Pedal Through It- It's amazing what you can ride right over smoothly, your legs acting as shock absorbent pistons when you say s

Just before I got sick I started mountain biking. I tend to worry about everything all the time. When I first started mountain biking I sucked at it. The first time I fell about 17 times. I was pissed as hell. And then, strangely I went back for more. I realized I had to concentrate on the moment and let go of all the crap I worry about constantly if I wanted to stay on the bike and avoid pain. It was like wicked behavioral therapy. I'd be ridin along and then start thinking...what If I can't pay the bills this month? What if Ethan does die from the crazy crap they tell me and WHAM. I would run into a tree, knock the wind out of myself. And I would lay on the ground laughing my ass off with tears in my eyes from the pain. Laughing, because I knew that I was slowly but surely learning to let go; to focus on the here and now, that the injuries were superficial, but the learning was deep.

I learned to mountain bike on particulary rocky, bumpy trails covered in roots. At first, I would see a rough patch and I would instinctively slow down, and when I hit it at a slow speed I would inevitably fall and hit jagged rocks, roots, jam the cold metal of my pedals into my thighs. A fellow mountain biker would yell as we came up on tough spots, "PEDAL THROUGH IT! HIT IT HARD!" I thought he was nuts. But slowly, I began to spot trouble up ahead and pedal harder, hit it faster. It's amazing what you can ride right over smoothly, your legs acting as shock abosrbent pistons when you say screw the fear and pedal through it.

The mountain biking club I biked with thought I had lost my mind. But slowly I fell 15 times, then 10, then 5, then 1, then none. Finally I spent 2 hours focusing solely on the moment and what lay ahead. It was like my brain was finally able to shut up and rest. All the crazy anxiety, about Ethan's health crap, money, boyfriends, friends, crazy tenants, house crap etc., it all dropped away.

Mind you, I looked like I had been hit by a car at first, I was covered head to toe in bruises from wacking trees and falling when my mind wandered. My doctor thought I was in an abusive relationship LOL. Eventually just getting in the car to drive up to the trails my mind would get quiet and shut up. I'd blast music on the way up and after a hard ride and a beer with the club drive home beat, smiling and at peace. It trained my brain how to find that place, and then I could keep finding that place for about 3-5 days and then I had to go retrain. (Apparently I'm a little slow on the uptake.

Unfortunately, lyme killed that. I'm trying so hard to get back to it. Running, mountain biking, motorcycles, dirtbikes and bridge jumping have been my main release valves for the last few years and they're mostly impossible with lyme. It's been a real struggle to figure out how to destress in a healthy way. Occasionally I flip shit on my poor boyfriend and yell/cry about the craziness. (I think it's about once a month.) Thankfully, he takes it all in stride. Dunno. I gotta figure this thing out.

I used to date a musician and we would sing for hours and I would be amazed at the level of pain that I had no idea was just under the surface. Somehow, it seemed sweeter after singing. I heard this singer Alison Kraus say once, that she loves melancholy music sometimes because if something is that sad, it means that there must have been something really beautiful before that. One of my favorite quotes is from Khalil Gibran (sp?) who wrote "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." I kept that on my bathroom mirror for the first month of lyme craziness. I think it means that in the end, things will balance out and something really beautiful will come of this. I have to have faith that there's something really good at the end of this.

i have been teaching Ethan to ride his bike. His disability makes balance extremely difficult. We've been riding down to the corner store a few times a week. At first when we would cross the street he would see the curb up ahead and slow down, and then not have enough speed to get over the hump. I started yelling encouragingly "PEDAL THROUGH IT! HIT IT HARD! PEDAL! PEDAL! PEDAL!" This week he's been pedaling harder when he sees curbs or bumps and he's been hopping high granite curbs with no problem. I beam with pride and give him a solid hug and high five after he pedals through it. I never would have thought this would be possible a year ago. It's such a good life lesson. When you see a rough patch coming up, stay the course, acknowledge the fear, then say screw it and pedal harder through it.

It's amazing what you can ride right over smoothly, your legs acting as shock abosrbent pistons when you say screw the fear and pedal through it. Your legs turn sinewy, strong, sleek and unafraid. And your soul follows suit.