Obligation with son's paternal side?
It's a little messy. In short: I was pregnant at 17, married at 18, and left him at 19 (dysfunctional/abusive). He died when I was 21. I quickly noticed the difference in how people treated us as the young widowed/orphaned family vs. the single mom who had left her abusive husband. When ds entered school I decided to just go with it--my personal history is nobody else's business unless I want it to be, and I might as well just let ds know the good about his father and keep it at that--why not? So...he's hazy on the details and timeline of our relationship and I realize that he's getting old enough that he's bound to add things up eventually. I don't know how honest to be with him.
Also, my husband had 3 children by a prior marriage--they are all young adults now and I am in contact with the oldest. She seems to have a lot of issues. The middle child has fairly severe autism, and the youngest is a 'religious freak' according to his sister. My sense is that they're all on the dysfunctional side and have some trauma around their upbringing, as well as a different view on their dad then I've presented to ds. The extended family has never had anything to do with us and I stopped extending myself a few years ago. Through internet communities now I'm 'seeing' more of them and kind of just quickly looking the other way, pretending not to see. Honestly, I would just assume they not be a part of ds's life, at least until he's older, which I guess isn't an issue since no one's trying to contact him or be involved...but I feel it's inevitable. I feel deceitful knowing his half-siblings and aunts and uncles are in reach and I'm choosing to look the other way.
So, what is my obligation here? What do you think?
- mnemosyne's blog
- Login or register to post comments
Personally, I don't think you have ANY obligation, what_so_ever.
PS: If you son wants to know his half siblings, he'll let you know.
there is no obligation, but if you want to get them together once in a while, a great while, that might be nice. but i don't think anyone would fault you for not bothering. what do the other kids want? do they want to see him? and your son knows they exist, right? i think at this point it's fine to sit back and see how it unfolds.
come out
Where have they been for the last 12 years?
I'm sorry they weren't there for you like they should have been. Family is family; they chose not to be that. Especially when he died and was no longer around to pay child support; they should have been there for his kid. Because that's what a family does.
Keep the contact info and any information you can pass on to your son; maybe talk to his sister and feel out a possible meeting. If it seems like there would be drama around that happening any time soon; it can be put off a decade or two until DS is more stable in who he is and all that.
He's going to put the pieces together at some point; ages of both of you in all of this, where the other kids were and what they grew up like, the fact that you guys were no longer together when he died.
DS does not need to know all the nitty gritty about your relationship with your ex; but information like names and who is what to whom is really important for a person missing half of who they are.
IMO, you have no obligation.
If they are reaching out, that is a different story all together.
If they were functional, healthy people, that is also a different story.
When your son is 18, he can choose to contact these people or not. I personally think your only real obligation is to let him know this when the time comes.
Check out my daily photo journal:
http://ocim.livejournal.com/
Check out my daily photo journal:
http://ocim.livejournal.com/
You have no obligation at this point. Your son's half-siblings sound completely dysfunctional and actually I think your obligation is primarily to your son at this point, to keep him safe, emotionally/mentally (as well as physically of course). And it sounds like they aren't going to be good on that front, at least right now. Maybe as DS gets older, better able to deal with this kind of thing; you can always re-evaluate. But especially since his half-siblings aren't reaching out to be part of HIS life...you know? Not your responsibility!
I say this as someone who has a bunch of half-siblings who have enriched my life - my dad while he was alive kept us all together and now we stay in touch because we love each other and have functional relationships (well, they don't all have functional relationships with each other but that's a whole 'nother thing!!! haha but I get along with them). Some day maybe your son's siblings will be able to be in contact with him in a healthy, sustainable, loving way. In the meantime, trust your instincts and keep ds away. You can explain this to him in a way that he can understand, I think.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith