notes from a woman who's husband walked out five nights ago
i havent seen him since friday night. with the exception of a couple emails yesterday about when to pick up the kids, i havent had any contact with him since the moment he walked away.
it is overwhelming. the anxiety washes over me periodically with the sense of loosing my other half. it is true, he is my other half, and despite the extremity of his asshole-ness over the last year, i am still madly in love with him.
i will love him forever.
and this is something he doesnt get.
cause i could drop all this shit right now and love him with all my heart, and raise our family together and pursue our dreams together. but he is overwhelmed by the sense that he is never good enough. something i cant change.
i only know that cause i have tried.
and he chose to escape.
he ran away with another woman, and tried to make it work. i tried to be cool and make space for the openess we had always talked about.
safe it is to say, things didnt work out.
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Oh, huck, I am so so sorry. How terrible. I'm sending you hugs.
Hold your beautiful girls tight. I hope he stays in contact with them, at least in the long term.
How wise you are to realize you can't change him; some of us never get there.
Hugs, mama.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
we are always here for you. (((((hugs)))))
xo (((huck)))
And, *HUGSHUGSHUGS*
I'm sorry that you're hurting, mama. Hope the pain eases soon.
Oh Mama!
my gosh!
I'm sending you lots of hugs and love your way.
We will be checking in w/ you, and please keep us updated
: )
i am so sorry. i wish i could talk to him and tell him i did the same thing to my ex-husband and i believe i will regret it the rest of my life.
Oh, mama. I'm sorry this has transpired. Every ending is also a beginning, and I hope that it means there's room for something really wonderful to come into your life, sooner than later.
24/MN. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD1.5
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.
You and your husband always seemed to me to have a very tight relationship.
I hope he'll come around and see how important you and your family life are to him...
Thinking of you, either way, and sending big vibes.
my thoughts exactly. My heart is out to you, and I hope your IRL community is circling you. We certainly are!
Huck, you are awesome, and strong, and brilliant, and beautitul. Partnerships are so, so important, but if it comes down to it, you are going to stand tall on your own. He is definitely acting the fool.
Oh shit Huck.
Please let me know if there is anything that I can do for you. If you wanna come visit and get away, let me know. Or if you just felt like getting together somewhere to talk or not talk and just hang out, let me know. My big kids can help watch the little kids and we can drink beer or wine.
Check out my daily photo journal:
http://ocim.livejournal.com/
Check out my daily photo journal:
http://ocim.livejournal.com/
(((VIBES, mama)))
"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson
Sunflower the unflower
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Sunflower the unflower
oh mama i feel your pain, i too am in the middle of the man i have loved for 12 years with someone else and not even talking to me as if 12 years was nothing, and though i am far better without him the pain is so very real every day that i don't hear from him. much love to you and know we are here for you. I'm sorry mama healing vibes for you and love.j
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
I am so sorry to hear that you've been going through such a difficult period in your marriage. I am so sorry that he is hurting you this way and I hope with all my heart that he'll realize the value of the love you two share. Much, much love to you and the girls.
"I have no country. As a woman, I want no country. As a woman my country is the whole world." - Virginia Woolf
"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." - Rose F. Kennedy
I am so, so sorry for your pain; huge hugs to you. You'll get through this-- you will-- and until then I'm sending you massive love and vibes. Stay strong, huck; you are a *wonderful*, beautiful woman and anyone who forgets that is a fool. Xoxo
Oh man. I don't even know what to say that hasn't already been said! This is really shitty, and if I knew you or where you liveed or your phone number I'd be baking you some cookies and bringing over some booze. If you drink. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, my heart goes out to you and your family.
When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible.
I am sorry that you are hurting. Sending you love.
I hope it finally clicks for him and he can change his mindset for good. If not, you are strong and will be ok, things will work out for the best in the end mama!
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
"Don't get stuck in absolutes. Remember, sometimes you CAN wash wool."
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
huck, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm vibing he comes back. it's not over until it's over. (((hugs)))
creative life | children
Just because there's twilight doesn't mean you can't tell the difference between night and day.
~Kelvin R. Throop
Really and truly sorry. I wish there were more i could say. I just love your little family.
i am so sorry huck. i am thinking of you and sending you vibes. xoxox.
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
I'm just now reading this and I could just cry for you. I'm sorry he choosing to escape right now. Maybe he just needs a break to get his head back on straight. Vibing that he'll come to see and appreciate this amazing woman who loves him unconditionally and that he can come home to his family.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know if it's your choppy sentences or what but when I read this it really sounds like you're somewhat OK with this because you know that you tried. this is probably a good thing.
sorry if i'm totally misreading you...frickin' computer communication.
hugs and i'm thinking about you, OK?
I'm so sorry.
I don't know if it's your choppy sentences or what but when I read this it really sounds like you're somewhat OK with this because you know that you tried. this is probably a good thing.
sorry if i'm totally misreading you...frickin' computer communication.
hugs and i'm thinking about you, OK?
HUGS!!!
I don't have time to read everyone's feedback so I'm sorry if I'm just echoing previous sentiments but I do have some unsolicited advice to offer:
As I'm sure you know, you can't help someone who won't help himself. And if his problem is lack of confidence/self-esteem (as it seem like it is from what you've said above) that doesn't let him off the hook for his behaviour. You can't be expected to stand by him and indulge assholiness because he hates himself. I understand the impulse - believe me. I did it for YEARS with BD. All of the many times he hurt me and broke my heart I couldn't stop loving him and desperately wanting him to love himself and gain the will to get better. But I realize now that what I saw as compassion and dedication on my part really only made him worse in the long run. I made it easy for him to wallow in self-pity. In a way I rewarded it because I wouldn't let myself stay mad at him when he seemed so sad and tortured. So there were never any real consequences for mistreating me. I taught him that his welfare and mental state were more important than mine until that just became a fact for both of us. No good.
I, like you, thought that I would never stop loving him and in many ways I won't. But recently it was like someone switched a flip in my head and while I still love and care about BD very much, I can wholeheartedly say that I'm no longer IN love with him. You have no idea how impossible that notion seemed for so long. But I did get there.
The point is- it sounds like your hubby needs some tough love. If he thinks he sucks or can't do anything right then that's his issue. Being unhappy shouldn't mean he has a free pass to do whatever the fuck he wants. He has to take responsibility for himself and getting better if he's unhappy with himself or the way his life is. And if he can't do that - if he just wants to wallow in self-pity and selfishness without putting in any effort to change things and get better then you need to make him do it without you, even if he wants to come back. Unless he's really changed or committed to change.
Either that will give him the kick in the ass that he needs to get help and try to improve or it will push him away further and deeper into depression. You can't let fear of the latter get in the way of your own mental well-being. It could be that both will happen, who knows.
In my case, now that I'm really pushing BD away and trying to hold him accountable for himself he seems just... very sad because he knows he's lost me in a sense. And in moments of clarity he knows its his own fault. I can see in some ways that this has improved things in him. He is nicer and more considerate of myself and DS on the whole. Because he has to be... however slight or subtle they sometimes are, there are consequences to mistreatment. In other ways he is worse and there's no way for me to know if it's temporary or not. He's with a MUCH younger woman who seems really messed up from what I know about her and he's doing drugs that he hadn't done (to my knowledge) since before I met him. He's just kind of floundering. It used to break my heart but as much as I do still hold affection for him, I'm sort of numb to it now and I can't tell you what a good feeling that is. To care, to be willing to help if he wants to get serious about changing himself and his life for the better, but to be able to let go for now and for however long he remains unchanged (which might be forever) and focus on myself and my son without regret is SUCH a great and liberating feeling.
If your situation with DH doesn't improve then you will get there too Huck... it might take a long time -years even- but you'll get there.
Sorry if any of this advice seems preachy or if I've missed the boat totally and it's not applicable to your situation. And sorry to have droned on for so long but I feel like in some sense that I've been where you are. If you ever want to pm me and chat more please do.
Stay strong and know that DH is EXTREMELY lucky to have you in his life. If he can't see that and/or appreciate it then he's a fool. Truly. I realize that's just rhetoric that I'm sure you're hearing a lot right about now but it's the truth.
Take care of yourself. You are awesome!
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