update

Hey Mamas,
Sorry so long out of touch. So I wanted to update you. Feel like I've fallen head over heels over head over heels in love while in a hurricane. Like this past month since reuniting w/ my long lost friend who I'm totally now in love with I'm savoring the sweetest kisses, the deepest tenderness, the most honest and dynamic talks, sex, mutual support while door are flying off the house and my kid is crying and at times the water is rising dangerously close to the front door.

A month ago N. came here and right away, AT THE AIPORT, seeing his shining face I knew- I LOVE THIS MAN. GOD I LOVE HIM. And could not kiss, hold, cry, laugh, love enough with him in the week that followed. It was beyond good, beyond right w/ us. NOT TO SAY it was all EASY though. He had just moved out from his house w/ his wife, having done like a 2 month full on separating process w/ her. She was VERY sad (this all started prior to his and my reconnecting) and also NOT a stable person and VERY histrionic. I don't really even want to go into how, but I can tell you it was very scary. VERY. AND VERY SAD. I really made my piece that he was not leaving her "for me," it was clear from so much that had gone on between them that it was over long before he and I reconnected. ANd we did not even lay eyes on each other once until they were not living under the same roof. But still there was a lot of guilt and sadness to process, for us both. Within the same period of his undergoing this clusterfuck I have had a lot of stress. NOrmal single mama working mama stress, but moreso.

My 5 year old preschooler son has been sick almost non-stop since about Jan. and truly nonstop this past month. Dr says it's all normal but it's been awful. Both times N came to visit for a week my son got very sick right before or right after, requiring a lot. The past 5 days have been the worst ever w/ fever up to 104 at some point each day, often twice a day, tepid baths, misery, vomiting, weeping, up and down all night, etc. Dr. says he's had a BAD ear infection AND a really bad virus both. It has been damn scary AND I've been alone w/ him for 5 days w/ this- his dad would not help but for 2 hours one day. My family who is usually supportive stayed away. N. is back on the east coast packing up to move here in a week. Also my son's preschool teacher suddenly dropped dead about 10 days ago of a heart attack (guy in his 50s) which along w/ deep sadness has resulted in my son suddenly not wanting to be in his bed, etc. which is so normal but has added a lot.

My mom who is 82 and needs help walking came to visit in between N's visits. This was a deep blessing as I adore her and her previously frequent visits had been aborted the past year due to health/mobility problems. But I was sandwiched between my son's needs and her's some- it is so different from when she'd come and take over some.

When N. came the last time I had a kind of nausea/panic attack the first night. I'd been up all night the night before w/ my son writhing w/ a fresh ear infection. I'd had so little sleep in weeks. He and I were just reconvening, getting to know each other again, and so intensively. Late one night my stomach which can be very touchy (mild IBS w/ a few major flare ups /year) just gave out. I ended up wretching a couple times that night. HE WAS AMAZING and like "I can hold you and hold your hair back or I can go outside so you can have privacy and check you every 5 mins" etc. I really got kind of panicky w/ all the nausea and feeling so vulnerable etc w/ a new man. But he was awesome and just present and kind and kept saying he loves me beyond all (we've even friends 35 years) and just let it go and don't worry- it's all water under the bridge etc. Held me all night. We woke up at 4 a.m .after and made great love.

STILL. THis has been SOOOOOOO much.

I read your posts and of your overwhelm at times and feel less alone. It is so much to try to integrate running my business as a therapist, having a wonderful but also very spirited boy, being a single mom, supporting us, and now integrating a new deep love and with a pretty dramatic/stressful start up even though OUR fit feels SO right.

Love to you all and I thank you if you made it to the end of this indulgent note. I hope I am not being too self centered. I send out love to you all.

M