parenting contamination or something
I am suffering from parenting contamination or something. I hang out with some moms and kids where the parenting is very different from what I do, and where it is not the kind of thing that I want to do, or would work for our family, and somehow, just by being around the other person, I start to gradually shift in their direction and it's really screwing up my relationship with my son right now. Plus some of the other kids behavior is showing up in him, and of course it is not the other kid's good behavior.
I do not want to have contempt for my child just because he's a child (like person 1)
I do not want to yell at my child, threaten him and snap at him constantly (like person 2)
I do not want to be irritated with him every time he makes a request (like person 3)
and yet, I am doing all of these things when I am with these people. I'm some freak who can't seem to be myself around them. Instead I start acting like them (though objectively it's only a little bit, not totally).
I want a forcefield. I do not want to treat my kid those ways because I don't like it, he doesn't like it, and we have a great way of dealing with each other most of the time, and it's based on mutual respect and kindness. But I am falling short.
The easy answer is to not hang out with these moms. The hard part of that is that I don't have other people to hang out with and it scares me to feel like I have pretty much no friends here that I can and want to spend time with. It's a small town, a small pool of moms, and these moms I am complaining about acting like are the few that I can stand as people. (and by the way, what they do with their kids is their deal, I don't want to change them, the problem is me and me acting like them, not them. Not how they are acting. I can understand where they are coming from, and it isn't my deal. Like how most people send their kids to school, and we won't be, but that doesn't mean I think they are bad moms. But it would be wrong of me to send my kid to school believing what I do, just to be like them.)
I know some of it is me being overwhelmed by their kids behavior and their responses. I know some of it is that my mom did this stuff with me and it didn't work for me as a kid, and it kind of scares me or something to hear it even if it isn't directed at me, brings up old feelings. Some of my problem is that I can't say anything to their kids about their behavior, or the moms about the kids behavior, or the moms about their behavior.
I hate feeling so weak that I can't even maintain myself around others. That when they're being mad at their kids and my kid is worried, that he turns to me, and I am kind of freaked out too, or worse, irritated with him. I want my son to feel strong and safe on the inside so he can move in the world and have a foundation. And for now (he's four) I am much of his foundation, but obviously not when I get all crumbly when he needs me.
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i feel like my input can annoy ya'll, but here it goes anyhoo...
i have been in this position, henry, every time i'm at my in laws around my SIL. she hits, spanks, hollers, pinches, threatens, punishes for every little thing. her kids have been drinking coke since six m/o, candy, too - two of them have rotten teeth. its pretty bad. also, when around several of my friends who have fundamentally different parenting philosophies from my own, i can relate to what you are saying. both my children are going to know how good they've got it by time they're 30 
. i can tell you, it is hard to stomach being around my sister in law. and sometimes its confusing when around my "conventional" momma friends. i'm sure everyone has strong opinion about the way i speak to and handle my children, too. but you know, i got to a place where i easily parent in my own fashion when around them, it happened just as i started noticing what you are noticing. now, i don't change my parenting. i figure they need to see that things can be done differently just as i do, just as my children do, all for different reasons.
i'm gonna throw something out there, i don't want to offend or push a button, but is it possible that you are being harsh in your opinion on them and maybe feel they may get offended or take it personally if you parent the way you feel you should parent? like, since you have a strong dislike for the way they do things, maybe they will feel the same on some level or another with the way that you do things, and then you may loose them as momma-friends? so to preserve your social life (that is what it is and maybe not ideal for you), you over compensate by conforming? and now, that conforming is like a mask suffocating you and you need to take it off. you know how to take it off. you can remove it and not hurt those around you. these women will no doubt learn from you. there is no need to point out what you disagree with in their parenting, even by parenting in your own fashion. if they get offended or start to feel insecure about the way they do things, they may learn something about themselves. you gotta be you. and you gotta let other people decide for themselves if they want to be around the real momma you, in all your idealism, in all your flaws. if they don't - if that door with someone closes - you gotta believe that as long as your door is open, someone compatible will find it and walk through. take baby steps to take the mask off, do it in what ever fashion works for you, but take it off. you may be surprised how easy it is. you've done the hardest part, which is to recognize something just is not working! hugs, mama.
This is a really interesting topic, and something I've been wrestling with myself lately. I haven't heard that description of it before - but it's perfect!!
I think there is something to POB's insight that some of the conforming you're describing comes from not wanting to offend your mama friends by acting out your parenting philosophy around them, since it seems quite different. Everyone judges a little bit. I think that's human. I certainly do.
I think the trick is to give them a little context for why you do what you do, if it's something really glaringly different (like if you're talking about school and you're the only one home schooling). Make it about you and your upbringing so they know it's a personal decision, not a judgement on them. If it's more of a subtle thing, like not snapping at your kid when he asks for something, you don't need to explain or apologize. I'm not sure other people even pick up on those little subtleties sometimes.
The other thing is that you might be feeling like these other mamas are your only choice for companionship, and if you don't fit in, you won't have anyone to hang out with. There's some pressure there. But there are lots of other reasons to like you besides how you respond when your kid asks for a sippy cup! If they don't like who you are...maybe it's not worth it? Or maybe you can plan a girls' night out where someone else watches the kids and you go out for drinks and connect without the kids there?
I have been thinking about this a lot because DH and I are friends with another couple who parent WAY differently than we do. The mama and I have managed to find some common ground because we give each other the "real" story behind why we do things. Our upbringings were different, some of our values are different, our kids have different needs and likewise many of our parenting choices are different. But the dad is this Mr. Pie in the Sky, everyone should be just like me, and if you disagree I'm not going to let it go until I "convince" you that I'm right, and DH and he clash like nobody's business.
"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson
I feel you Henry. it's hard sometimes not to be influenced by other people. (((hugs)))
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thanks for your input, and no, I am not at all offended! I think I have been acting this way that I describe for a while and not noticing it, and now i do and I can't stand it, so I do hope that I can step away from this crap. It's totally my crap. And I probably am overjudging them because of my upbringing. I am certainly not a perfect parent.