Creating & Destroying Family
My family of origin was more than a little dysfunctional - but then wasn't everybody's?
It wasn't until I literally ran away at the age of 19 (to Alaska) and got some perspective (dark winters will do that to a depressive) that I realized who I was and how I defined myself outside of a dysfunctional family context.
See, I'm the problem child. The one who had an untreated, unacknowledged, misunderstood yet legitimate disease that brought out the worst in the inner workings of my family. I was the scapegoat for all the ailments of the family, not just my own.
And what happens when the problem child no longer agrees or allows herself to mirror the family's problems as she handles her own? Well, efforts intensify to make that definition stick lest the family structure devolve and each member face the task of dealing with their own sh*t, and if aware enough, their guilt of sticking the problem child with an entire family's worth of baggage.
One of the areas my partner and I have been focusing on for a while now is creating family. This is a priority for us not just because we want to develop new patterns of being but also because we are planning our own family. To that end we have made a concerted effort to find and foster opportunities to develop adult relationships with my siblings and their families.
It has been hard to accept the pessimism and negativity we've been met with in the form of non-communication, unextended invitations, passive aggression, and point-blank rudeness in the face of our attempts at communication, flexibility, interest, and inclusion.
A few examples: exclusion from events as small as dinner to as big as birthdays and holidays, trash-talking regarding the validity of my disability, ignored emails and phone calls, and my favorite - today - pointedly refusing to acknowledge my existence at a family event I suggested and organized.
Mamas, is the lesson here that my identity as the problem child in my family of origin has so tainted my adult sibling relationships that it does not serve me or my partner (or our future child) to nurture an extended family?
And is it the wiser, healthier endeavor to rechannel energy into creating a different kind of family, comprised of loving friends?
Particularly painful for me to contemplate is giving up hope on an adult sibling extended family, since my mother raised us by reminding us that we would always have each other.
(Although, it is true that my mother was also the problem child in her family of origin and has strained relationships with most of her siblings. I guess I was hoping to avoid the whole "doomed to repeat the past" thing by learning from that pattern.)
Summer (35) ~ Hoping to be a Mama
Thomas (34) ~ Patient Papa in Training
4 Fur Babies ~ 3 Angel Babies
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particularly about the intensified efforts of the adult siblings when you refuse to play the role anymore. like you i had hoped by simply not playing along, the dynamic would change, and sadly this did not happen. what happened instead was ridiculous fighting/abuse like you describe and more, to the point where i had to remove myself from the whole family dynamic, thus remaining "the problem" in their eyes by not being around.
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my feeling was, and maybe this is yours too, i put so much time and headspace into working shit out with these people, in a way that's pleasant and healthy for everyone, and they simply did not reciprocate. they don't care. ergo, they are not worth the effort. not just for me, but the ideal of preserving "family" contacts for your child so he/she has a those contacts.... well, do we want the kind of contacts who only care about what they want, people who wholly disregard anyone who isn't them? i finally decided no. not for me, and not for my kid.
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so, i guess you're smart to work on all this before you have your child, but sadly, i was in a similar place and did not find a solution before i had to give up and move on to focus on friends.
come out
but i think a lot of people have to make similar choices and it doesn't matter who you give to your child for love, as long as people love your child.
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i'm not trying to give you platitudes, it's really true that it's the human condition, we all have to try to define ourselves outside that family dynamic and seriously question whether it's a good dynamic to begin with. and it's alright, you just have to provide love for 1. yourself and 2. your kid. and honestly, what keeps me from really feeling like this is tragic is the assumption that everyone in my family is also going through the same thing. they're trying to make their way despite the hands they were dealt just as much as i am. i assume that their respective roles frustrate them and they're doing their best to define themselves apart from that like you and i are doing. so, perhaps this dissociation is not permanent. long, but not permanent.
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or not. i've been around long enough too to see families that never get over it, no matter how old they get, no matter how hard they try, no matter how much they stay away from each other or try to get along.
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i think you'll be surprised as you talk to people raising their kids how many people are in exactly the same spot as you.
it's sad and all but you can't force people to like you, to want to be your friend, to want a good sibling relationship with you. Let them go, and let them relate to you how they can. maybe this is all they have to give to you.
creative life | children
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
"Mamas, is the lesson here that my identity as the problem child in my family of origin has so tainted my adult sibling relationships that it does not serve me or my partner (or our future child) to nurture an extended family?"
i think it is more that their way of identifying with you is what has tainted their ability to have a loving relationship with you. at this point, it has nothing to do with you, though i'm sure they would like for you to believe its all your fault that you aren't getting along. restructuring family dynamics isn't going to happen just because you have changed. it takes the whole family to change their negative response systems in order for that to happen. its okay to give up hope that this mega change will ever happen. it doesn't mean you are closing the door. it just means you are letting go of what is not, in the moment, a reality for you. this letting go of what you wish for opens other doors for new experiences to come in. you can make a point to always respond to them with compassion, even while saying no to their toxic lives.
"And is it the wiser, healthier endeavor to rechannel energy into creating a different kind of family, comprised of loving friends?"
i would say you have enough energy to be loving to your extended family (which includes setting strong boundaries when they are intruding in any way, and even distancing yourself from them mentally, physically, and emotionally) and to channel your energy out to others and other goals. letting go of the idea of having a sane family life with those you grew up with will give you the space to have a sane family life with yourself and those you choose. otherwise, you'll be miserable and always let down by your birth family, and that will seep into other aspects of daily living.
hugs. i think many of us mamas here have experience with toxic families. i understand what you are going through to that extent. i also have a disability and my MIL completely ignores it and treats me like the limitations i have are because i've chosen to have those limitations. however, i really don't care what she thinks (anymore) and don't feel like i have limitations at all... i just do things and handle my daily life differently than others. good luck and hugs!
nah, not a hollow joke at all. in your heart, that is what is going on, for that day, its a nice gesture - a gift to them, to your partner to your self - for you to allow your families to be present at your wedding. it is okay for it to not mean the same for them, because it is a day for you and your partner and you can make it about what ever you want. and knowing that the unity will be a day event, instead of a grandiose moment of change, can make it quite a special day. congrats 
Cultivate your "alternative" extended family of friends and likeminded souls, put most of your energy into that, but keep the door open to your "real" family in a casual way. React like you would to say, inlaws, instead of blood relatives - be friendly and gracious but don't react to the dysfunction so much - it's their problem, really and not yours.
"Good manners and bad breath will get you nowhere" (Elvis Costello)
Bad manners and varying breath:Exponential Detritus For Feeble Minds...
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Wow, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that your story mirrors my own to such an awful extent but then again when I'm in the middle of something like this the thing that gets me through is my hope that not everybody has to deal with the same bullsh*t as me.
Not so much, eh?
Listening to your words I am struck by how you came to the decision that you didn't want your child to be absorbed into the dysfunctional dynamic.
I will also make this choice, because the way historic patterns continue is for them to be handed down by example.
While it is painful for me to be perceived as the "problem child," it would horrible for my child to be taught to do the same.
Summer (35) ~ Hoping to be a Mama
Thomas (34) ~ Patient Papa in Training
4 Fur Babies ~ 3 Angel Babies