my head may explode if I don't get this out

Hello Mamas,
I've been guilty of being a lurker lately, not feeling like I have much to add to anything.

I need to say this right now, in regards to my current situation:
I. HATE. LIARS.
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
particularly ones I've dated. particularly the one that is the father of my son.

We're going through court right now, I have stuck to the truth from the very beginning. And about 90 percent of everything he has said has been an outright lie. Not even just a different POV, but actual lies. Mainly trying to make me look as bad as possible.

I am tired of it. I am frustrated to tears with this man. And he's been harassing me lately as well, to the point that I've had to get my lawyer to send him a letter saying that all contact between up from this point on MUST be through my lawyer.

I am frustrated that I let him get to me so much. I am frustrated that, even though REALISTICALLY he is such a tiny part of my life, he still manages to take up all my time and brainspace.

And he's hurting my feelings.

And he says horrible things to our son. He tried to teach him on his last visit that its good to hit and throw things when you're frustrated. I am glad my son isnt a year old yet, but I dread what this man could do to him if they spend a lot of time together.

I feel like I have forgiven BD for all the abuse he dished on me, and continues to dish. I know he has a lot of problems and is ill-equipped to deal with them in a rational, adult manner.

Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness, but not forgetting.

but I dread the future a little, because I will never forgive him if he dishes his emotional shit on our son. He already does, in little ways.

i don't want to have a cloud of unforgiveness over me for the rest of my life.

also...

I am soooo horny. SO SO SO SO SO. I can't even bring myself to masturbate because I think its wierd to do it when there a baby in the house. It ISNT wierd, but somehow, it makes me uncomfortable. So there has been no sexual contact in my life now for almost a year. No really worthwhile sexual contact in MORE than a year.
And I read MM's post about being horny and reading Twilight, which happened to be sitting on my pile of books to read. It piqued my interest, I started reading and WHAMMO! I'm About 100 times worse now.

I want sexual tension. I'm tired of only having the tension part.

Bleh.
Thanks Mamas
I love you!