Hello Again
Yep, that's right. I am pregnant. Again. This being the third time within a year with three types of protection used, I have to believe that this child really want to join our family. It has given me a new take on acceptance, on accepting that maybe my own plans are not as grand as the greater plan afoot. Of course, this makes my husband and I a little ticked, since it took us so long to shape our plans but attachment is suffering, right? According to my calendar, I am fourteen weeks along with a mid-October due date. So I should be in the honeymoon weeks but I am still feeling seasick quite often these days so I wonder if my timing is off. I know how to check it, go to a doctor, right? But there lies a problem: there are no English speaking doctors on the island. My Japanese does not involve such intimate matters as my body. So I have the choice, either stay up despite my exhaustion and study, or retreat back to my home country with my tail partially between my legs. I don't know.
What I do know is this: we've been here before. And I asked here before "Should I stay or should I go" and in the end, went back, hopeful that things were better than we had heard. But they weren't. My husband found the only full-time job that he could but the pay was mediocre. He was supposed to start school but they messed up something with selective services and couldn't get aid. I eventually found a job as an adjunct instructor but that is absolutely less glamorous than it sounds (because it sounded so fabulous to begin with, right?). We ended up moving in with my parents' for a few months, working at Target and Starbucks, then eventually finding this job here.
This job is not so bad. The boss is an asshole but not to me since he can't yell at me because I wouldn't understand. The kids are great and this year is better than last because all the sour apples are out of the barrel. We are isolated and we aren't living where we wanted to be. The island is nice but tiresome. The closest city is a three and a half ferry ride away. Our house, well, I've complained about my house before. It's free though.
With the recession in full blast, I know that (logically) staying makes sense. I will eventually propose that my husband take over my classes to allow me to have a maternity break. If they don't agree to that, then all this indecision doesn't matter as we'll be headed back soon anyway. I'm of course sad that I will have to work through my pregnancy and return to work soon after the birth. I wish I could be back home sometimes because I would have the support of my friends and family and go back to my amazing midwife for the birth.
Also, my husband finally got the selective services deal straightened out so now he can go to school. Eventually we have to leave as I want him to go to school so I don't have to be the only one working for the rest of our lives. That's a heavy load, especially for a writer who aspires to be a stay-at-home unschooling mother.
Anyway, I just thought I would put everything on the table and get some feedback since I value your perspectives so much. Thank you and take care.
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addition. I don't think you'd be ocming home with your tail between your legs. Breathe...what is it that you want?
first off congratulations!! about the baby. I'm so sorry I have no advice about what you should do, but I think you will make the right decision for you and your family. it does sound to me like coming home is what you really want to do though.
creative life | children
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
congratulations, greentara! yes, that is one persistant little soul.
so much to think about right now, wish i had a workable solution to suggest to you that didn't seem trite. for now i'll keep you in my thoughts.
ps- i was horribly nauseaus with my first AND second until well into my 16-17th weeks. it will fade soon.
I don't know what to say. I am incredibly fertile, and the only thing that has worked for me is the IUD. Is there a military base there? Can you see an American doctor there?
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thanks mnemosyne:
sometimes i have my husband's projections about our situation imprinted on my thoughts. japan means more to him than me as it feels he can thrive here as an artist. to return without achieving any of his goals makes him feel like a failure. but in the end, we probably will stay here since the recession is so tremendous and because our eldest son is enjoying kindergarten here and learning a lot right now. i don't want to interrupt that. i also need to get him prepared for entering an american school before we could return and a few months to get him ready for 1st grade would be unfair.
so we will try and study enough to get this baby into the world safely and prepare on many other levels to eventually return to the states sometime next year.
thanks for giving me the space and support to work out my dilemma. take care.