You got me thinkin Miss Mash..

I kept pushing this deep and deeper into my memory only to have it resurface every couple of years. He has been sober for about 7 years now but I didn't have the balls to confront him on it. Nor was I ready. It has been super strained when we meet up, because I kept thinking why does this man even want to see me if he blames me for such extensive drug use? Along with this comes the memory of him taking me with him when I was about ten to the portland drug houses. Where I would wait in the hall for him with frightening people staring at this child watching them with mounds and mounds of drugs all around. At the the time I had no clue what it was just that these people had guns and it didn't feel good. So it turned me into a person that want so so badly to be the best parent I can be for I don't want my children with these memories for a childhood. Then mommymash asked this question and I got pissed. Why am I still hiding this? Why can't I just let it go? I need to move on from this and be healed.
So what did I do today? I called him. And I said this has been bothering me ever since you said and I want to know why you did. And he said that is the worst thing that he could imagine himself ever saying and that he must have high. That a normal and sane person would never in their right mind ever say something like that. And to never hold stuff in for that long. He apologized profusly, which really doesn't make it any better in my book. He said he feels like shit that I have been stuck with it for so long. And I though good, now it is on you and off of me. And you know what? I feel a ton lighter today than I have in a really really long time. It's out of my head and away and now he knows a little bit more of what kind of monster he really was. So thank you mommymash. That felt good.