Happy Easter, and Bio-mom drama.
We had dsd and dss this weekend. DSD was ON all weekend...I keep looking for the underlying problem, what she's missing, what she needs, and I just keep finding that she flips out when a. she's asked to do something (unload the dishwasher) or b. doesn't get what she wants (ice cream). Major flip outs, cussing out her dad, refusing to do what she's told, screaming and slamming doors. She left her teeny-bopper myspace like page up and I snooped--she's "18", eating a strawberry in her profile pic in what I think is supposed to be a suggestive shot, and shunned by her online "friends", with comments like, "what are you doing here, z? Nobody likes you!" So, she's having a hard time, she's troubled. Sucks to be 11. I get that.
This morning we were going to church, our very liberal hippy-dippy UU church, and s/o had asked her to not wear eye makeup (she's 11), so of course she had the whole nine yards on her face and when he told her to take it off it's "No. You can't make me" type of response. We were running late, I was frusterated, I went off. On the car ride we had a good talk about picking battles, inviting conversation, that we're open to discussion and possible compromise--that it's not about the eye makeup it's about respect.
S/o was supposed to drop the kids off at their home at 7, but when we got home from eating, before 5, bio-mom shows up--without calling--at my house. I invite her in and she *starts in, in front of the kids!* about how she wants us to know that she will not allow anyone to talk to her kids 'that way' (turns out dsd told her I called her a hussy and a floozy--not so, at all at all) and she will not tolerate her kids being treated 'this way', etc.
So I ask the kids to go outside for awhile and invite her to sit down, have a drink, she says no, she's said what she needs to say. So I say we need to discuss this further because I'm pretty confused. Being as objective as I can, her logic is pretty out of whack. She blames dss 13 for much of dsd's behavior, but doesn't want them to have alone time at our house becuase that's what he wants, so he'd be getting his way. The fact that he gets straight A's means that he's just good at playing the game and manipulating the system, so he shouldn't go to public school but should continue to be homeschooled, which he hates. He doesn't really know anything (this is a Smart, capable kid. Dsd struggles and is behind academically, but apparently that is dss's fault too). I feel so bad for this kid--I think his mom just doesn't like men. It's pretty clear to see where dsd is learning to feed on drama, and I just don't know what to do with that. I get that bio mom's intentions are good...her implication was that we go to some bullshit church that says dsd will go to hell if she wears eyeliner--which she knows is not so...but dsd calls her up saying she's being abused and mom just rushes right over to defend her, noble, maybe, but in the long run just more detrimental to dsd as it totally undermines our parenting.
Ick. I just needed to vent, comments welcome,I'm willing to be wrong, thanks.
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You know, I pulled some shit too when I was a little older with my mom about my dad's girlfriend. I think I was 13, so my lie was a little more sophisticated and believable. I wouldn't buy that someone would call an 11 year old a hussy at face value. That seems absurd to me. I told my mom when I was 13 that my dad's girlfriend had asked me if I really ought to be eating french fries and should be ordering a salad instead then patted her tummy. My dad dumped her, he said that was the reason. My mom bought it, I doubt my dad did, but he didn't want any drama with his kids. Back to you tho~
Baby mama is homeschooling them... she probably NEEDS to have time alone. Also, it's really common for girls dsd's age to get a little catty and maybe even pull some underhanded shit and lie. There has got to be a united front between you and baby-mama. I say this as the child of people who didn't have one, who called each other out in front of me, who didn't have clear rules or consistency. It fucks with a kid. They start pulling this bullshit where they lie and create drama just to get their own way.
Also, sometimes email is a better way to communicate when emotions are high. Start out the convo talking about how you know you all have the kid's best interest at heart and that you guys agreeing on the core issues; you respect her as their mother - you want to help her out in any way you can. Seriously. Sometimes all a mama needs is to hear some props from the new wife. Sometimes she might be just pissed off at the baby-daddy; and it's just that much better if you're awesome to her and she'll know that you're taking care of her kids while they are with you. I've never had to do it; but I can't imagine how difficult it must be to let go and send my kid off to someone I disliked enough to break up with them; PLUS their new partner and know that I have zero control over what happens over there.
P.S. I *know* there is drama there. I know. I know it's rough to deal with her. I'd have a really hard time too! You've tried, this has been happening a long time. Have you ever heard of or tried that "fake it till you make it" strategy with her? It sounds like you guys all have the same wants and goals and dreams about these kids. You all want them to be safe and happy and loved. I know it seems like she's a little nuts, but maybe if you just prop her up a little she'll come around.
holy cow, you've got your hands full. its hard to be the only grown up when talking to another person who is theoretically, and age-wise, an adult, too, but isn't behaving as such. You are someone I admire, mama. you are doing a great job keeping it together in those moments were it would be easy to push a button and get rid of someone! if only that were an option! lol. i hope it gets easier to deal with all these relationships at some point! hugs and love.
but i didn't see it here, and i would totally tell you.
11 years old, with a myspace? doesn't sound like the child of a protective mother to me.
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i don't know if that bio mother is being noble in protecting her kid, or being dramatic to manipulate or get attention. hussy and floozy don't sound like 13 year old words to me, i would wonder what the kid actually said, if anything, to bio mom. what happened after bio mom said that? did you deny? did you assure that you'd never say anything like that? did she seem like she was more interested in the fight than resolution?
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that said, if i thought for a second that someone spoke to my kid like that i would not be all "let's talk about this" about it. i would march in there and knock skulls. i'd make it clear that none of it was open for discussion. i would try to find out what actually happened but i would also make damn sure that everyone involved knows who's in charge.
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so, i don't know. if you were to call her a day later, would it go any better?
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the behavior of the 11 year old, i can't tell from this. it could just be 11 year old behavior. my 10 year old is a drama queen. she sometimes says "you can't make me" and we laugh because of course we can, and we remind her that we don't "make" her do shit out of a philosophical choice, not because we "can't."
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I feel the same way--not interested in power/control struggles..I'm just not always sure how to get around it.
I did talk with biomom later that night, and taking dahlia's cue really blatently spelled out my wish to support, etc. (which I've done all before, but on retrospection it's pretty clear that biomom makes me out to be her dad's girlfriend, so I tried to speak to that stance). She came close enough to apologizing for barging in and undermining us, she gets that she was wrong. A couple other things came up in which she was supporting dsd's lies and manipulations, so I at least put it out there that there is another perspective.
Our conversation reinforced to me that dss is really blamed for a lot and, honestly it sounds like he's just not liked. Feeling more and more like a moral obligation to me to get him out of that environment.
Thanks for everyone's feedback, I do appreciate the feedback!