what's the worst thing you've ever been called?
for some reason this morning i was thinking about some of the shitty things people have said to me throughout my life and whether they affected me or not, and i really started wondering what other people's *WORSTS* are. it's interesting to me how differently people are affected by words; i may not be too bothered by one mean-spirited thing someone could say to me, but someone else could be sent into a tizzy over that same thing, you know? or vice versa; an insult that someone else shrugs off could be something that would make me make me collapse in tears. and sometimes it's not that actual words that do/don't hurt; oftentimes it's the intent behind them.
i was once called a "white trash, welfare, amount-to-nothing, baby-trapping assfuck" by someone i had been friends with for years and had a falling out with. it didn't even upset me too much, but i'd still consider it one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me because the intention was so hateful and cruel. he said those words because he THOUGHT they would be incredibly hurtful, even thought the result was far less dramatic than what he had intended. (btw, this person is NOT a part of my life anymore! he was the kind of 'friend' who had been making me feel shitty for a long time, and that i was starting to realize wasn't a great person in general. at the point that he said this to me i had no intention of ever speaking to him again, anyway, so his classy remark just cemented my decision for me.)
anyway...coincidentally, after i was thinking about the way people 'label' us can affect us, i logged on here to check some of my old posts and see if there were any new comments i hadn't seen. and as it turns out, there was an *interesting* new comment after one of my posts from a couple months ago; it was about how noa's destructive toddler tendencies were grating on me and i was at my wits' end, and the comment that was left (by someone who it turns out has never posted at hip mama, ever, besides this ONE comment! wtf?!) accused me of being neglectful of noa and of (and i quote directly) "viewing her as merely an accessory or burden. well, unless you're willing to give her up for adoption, you'll need to face these challenges with a better attitude or you will lose. your. shit."
OUCH, right?! now, i know that this coming from a judgemental stranger who doens't know me, and i'm pretty sure that he/she hasn't read my other posts or i don't think they would have still come to that conclusion, but still...ouch. it caught me totally off guard and made me feel very unsure of myself for a minute; it made me wonder about the way i come off, and whether that comment was my own fault for the way i presented myself in my post. and then i remembered "whoa, dude, if you let everyone in the world's negative opinion of you as a person and parent actually bother you, you're going to be pretty fucking miserable! chill out, ame! it doesn't matter what strangers think of your parenting or feelings!" and then i felt better, and actually did chill out. so this is another example of one of those times that i think the INTENTION was much worse than the actual RESULT.
so why is it that sometimes we're able to let the mean-spirited things people say to us just roll right off our backs without so much as flinching, and other times we're wounded and extensively hurt by them? what's the *worst* thing anyone has ever said to you, and do you consider it to be the worst because of how it actually affected you, or because of the intention the person had when saying it? (ps- i posted this question on facebook earlier but nobody really took it seriously. i'd love some honest input from the mamas here, just for curiosity's sake! xoxo)
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i used to internalize insults but as i matured and got to know myself better, they started penetrating less and less. but when i did internalize them, it wasn't about what was said, but what was behind it. why did they want to insult me? what was behind that, what had i done to offend or insult them? what, and since i never insulted or offended anyone intentionally, had i accidentally said that brought them to dislike me so much?
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and, i was naive. i used to think that the fact that i was a nice person and never said anything rude or disrespectful mattered. it doesn't. it doesn't matter at all.
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but now i'm at a point that unless i agree with a person, even irrationally, i don't internalize or even remember the insult. unless it's spectacular in some way in its delivery. examples escape me at the moment, but if i think about it i may actually think of some. the times it does penetrate is pretty much when the insulter is in some position of power, or someone i love a lot. my daughter calling me mean for example, after all the lengths i go to, to not be mean to her.
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actually, i just thought of one, i was called a bully by someone who knows better, because she was afraid i would disapprove of a life choice she was about to make (she was right) and used that insult to create distance before making it. and like your friend, she used it as a tool for an objective, not because she believed it, which is lame and childish as bleeding fuck.
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and, just so you know, i totally understand why a sudden, random insult caught you off guard too. people are mean, crazy and use the internet to get their aggression out on random strangers with little chance of recourse.
come out
I can't really remember the worst thing I have ever been called. Prolly some attack on my parenting. I asked Stephen and he said someone called him a conservative once.
I went back and read that comment and that was crazy weird. Like the whole who is she and where did she go bit? I hate stuff like that because it can kinda sting at first even if you don't even know the person.
I have gotten a lot better at not putting too much value in other people's opinion (about me) all the time. Sometimes I want opinions and I value the opinions of my loves ones, but I don't place them above my opinions of myself, kwim?
i once called my mister sexist and he went off. joe punk rock anarchist can't possibly be anything of the sort. yeah, quackin like a duck, buddy.
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that troll... it's the online equivalent of someone flipping you off on the road. it's nothing. less than nothing. i bet that person didn't think about it for another second after hitting "post comment."
come out
hmm, i can't really recall. i've always kind of not cared what most people thought or said about me. in high school and younger years i cared a lot more as i got older i really don't care much at all. Now i just figure people who talk shit about me are jealous of me in some way. what an ego i have, ya? I would say though people judging my parenting iritates the hell out me or someone talkin bout my babies. I think i get more hurt by peoples actions than their words.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
but what your query made me think of was the times i've had "dirty jew" and "fuckin' dyke" and "bitch" screamed at me on the street by total strangers. i didn't internalize these insults insofar as i don't feel there's anything negative about being of jewish descent or being queer or being a woman. at the same time, what they represent has been completely internalized by me, and they just struck that chord - i am not safe in this culture because hatred of the Other is an integral part of the foundation of this culture, and i am Other in these and um, other ways.
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu
dragon knows dragon
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu
dragon knows dragon
a slut - many times, mostly before I had even had sex! I was very flirty in HS, but hadn't really done much but kiss and sit on some laps.
Bitch, but so what.
Whore. That usually came from a girl that had wanted a boyfriend of mine and he'd denied her...
Cunt.
Stupid.
Faghag.
My ex had called me pathetic several times, he also used to refer to me as his "big girl" as I was the heaviest of all of his other girlfriends (I weighed 130 lbs at the time). I have to admit, that hurt and helped me along with an eating disorder for a few years.
I've been called a spic... Am I even spelling that right?
Either way, that doesn't bother me either.
Gosh, I've been called lots of stuff without it ever really bothering me. But two things that have stuck with me - in terms of holding onto being upset about it - my mother once called me a quitter, in a slightly nicer way ("You never stick with anything! You ALWAYS give up, so no, you may not have ballet classes because I don't know that you will actaully do it). And when people have accused me of lying - that irks the shit out of me because I really take to heart that I hate being lied to and therefore do my best to not lie to anyone else.
I was trying to remember anything bad I've been called and couldn't until your list sparked some memories...
I was called a liar and dishonest by a dean at my graduate school (I was the president of our graduate student/teaching assistants union and he did NOT like us). He accused me of lying and not looking him in the eye at the gym. I was really angry about this because I never lied. Okay, I probably didn't look him in the eye at the gym but that's a GYM thing, not something about HIM. I don't look at anyone in the gym! I was mad cos it kinda hurt our organization, that he felt this way. But he was a total whacko anyway so I got over it. Then a couple of years later I found out that one of his grad students faked all the data for her dissertation. He apparently can't tell a real liar when there's one right in front of him! I felt redeemed by karma.
In high school a guy called me a cunt. I hit him, kinda punched him in the face. I like to think I'm more of a pacifist that this. But calling me a cunt is not acceptable! Especially when I was in high school. It would bother me less now.
On a lighter note-- I have often been called a communist/commie or part of the Mob (as in, organized crime). Both because of my union activities. I think both are hilarious insults. And being called a communist is not *much* of an insult, in my book.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
In general, it wasn't even valid so it didn't bother me! I've been called:
cunt
bitch
whore (but I've only been called a slut by friends, in jest! Figure that one out)
jew-bitch (I'm not jewish, but someone thought I looked like it)
nigger-lover (yup. Guilty. I fucking hate that word, but I took this one as a compliment.)
quadroon (I'm actually not, so I don't really get that one. Still I was offended by the sentiment.)
baby-killer (and I've never even had an abortion! lol This person was referring to my stillborn daughter)
white-trash, welfare sucking dummy
cunt
Most of the insults I've received were more creative than one hurled word. Where I come from, insults are basically a communication style. A form of affection. Bitch is a term of endearment. You take the piss out of someone because you love them and you want them to do better.
He figured out who my cousin was and was trying to suss out how exactly I came to have this cousin who doesn't look mixed, he just looks black. Like two years after the fact I ended up in his class and he called me that a few times in a derisive tone. I started calling him Iggy, short for ignorant, but he didn't get it.
Especially the baby killer one. Really?
Sunflower the unflower
Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky
Sunflower the unflower
that was about my reaction too. It actually hurt for about a fifth of a second, then I was all, wait. No. This is not about me. This is all about this bitch being straight up coocoo for cocoa puffs!
i have actually been thinking about this trying to remember the worst thing i've been called. because by definition it would be something that affected me, rather than something i was able to put into perspective right away.
i was called stupid by a stupid person, who is very self conscious about her intelligence and even though i was a child at the time, i knew what her motivation was and felt sorry for her.
i was called ugly by boys in school who liked me but knew i wouldn't like them.
i was called a liar, which i'm almost pathologically not.
i was called a scumbag by a semi literate trash lady that i actually wrote here about a few years ago.
as a child, before ever having sex (thanks Enselen for reminding me of this one) i was a slut to the kids in school. i think kids tend to do this with attractive girls. it's hard to say how it affected me at the time, because i was still a kid and didn't know as much as i do now. but again, it was the cheerleader types who were crowding the planned parenthood with their STD's calling me that, and i did know that.
i was lectured by a cop giving me a speeding ticket about what kind of mother speeds with her kid in the car. but, that was a cop and no one cares what cops think about anything.
i'm trying to remember something that really stuck in my craw but like a lot of you all i can't remember it. how weird is that? i'm sure there is something. i guess the fact that i remember these things makes them qualify. but still, it's not like i look back on these things and say "i can't believe they said that," i totally can believe it. people express who they are by what they call you, not who you are.
come out
called me a bad person, and that all of her friends thought so. I was to negative for her. I said thanks for your feedback! What a waste of time I just spent on our friendship! My dad once told me it was my fault, since I was such a horrible daughter, that he was a heroin user. Yup
that's pretty shitty! i'm sorry 
that one is always a treat, with the official debriefing, explaining the "reasons." it's like, have you ever considered that you don't need a reason? loser.
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sorry about the dad though, it's a lot harder to deflect those kinds of comments, even when they're so cartoonishly ridiculous, like that one.
come out
I read it last week and have been thinking about it ever since. The worst thing I've ever been called was "n*gger lips". This was the name two mean girls gave me in sixth grade, when I was the new kid in a new school. The whole class picked it up and started calling me that. It was probably the most miserable school year for me ever.
I hope those two skinny-lipped bitches are shelling out the big bucks these days for Restylane injections so they can have lips like mine. Knowing where they ended up in life, they probably are.
"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson
you and me both! though i was never called that when i was in high school thin lips were in now my big juicey lips are all the rage and i have actually had men stop and stumble over their words when trying to place an order at dunkin donuts no LIE.(I love lip gloss like a mutha mama no color just glossy as hell) one man was like damn baby your lips made me forget what the hell i wanted!!! ha ha fuck them jealous people.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
late! but here it goes... i had one friend accuse me of not being a "loyal friend," to him. i've always had a lot of pride in my ability to be a great friend to other folks, so i took this especially hard. however, he was an asshole so eventually, the friendship ended. but still, it hurt.
i also had a parking lot attendant guy call me "white trash," once. it didn't hurt my feelings, just really pissed me off.
one time, when hal and i were in our early 20's, he told me when we were in a fight, "you are nothing but lies and games," he also called me a "tramp"... *cringing* at the memory. those were pretty hurtful and killed me at the time, too.
the first time Max told me that he hates me. that killed my heart, too.
my skin has thickened a lot, but still, pretty thin skinned over here.
the comments from our kids for sure i remember nessa saying that all i said was well i still love you and then i went in the bathroom and cried for sure.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
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it just seems beyond assy that people get off on that shit, doesnt it? i always have a hard time believing people like being an asshole JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT, but i better get fucking used to it if i'm going to put myself out there in public forums.
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