loss

so I lost my job and then my grandma.
Short short on how...she had a drastic surgery summer '04 in order to "fix" her UTIs and prevent them from damaging her kidneys...bladder and urinary tract (including urethra and vag) were removed, hello urostomy bag.
she did okay for a while, a couple of years but then it was one thing after the other. Every 6 or so months she had to have the shunts pushed back in to her kidneys...an outpatient 'procedure'. The last time (around valentine's day) her doctor had been so busy ignoring her complaints of a fever that he was taken by surprise during the procedure by the giant ball of bacteria built up in her urostomy bag. He picked up on it after having shoved a bacteria covered shunt in to her kidney....guess what happened next? Pain, weakness, nausea, misery, and the kidney was removed. All of this, the infection, everything, made her so weak that dialysis (which she only just started in October after a previous shunt replacement went 'wrong') became EXTREMELY painful. I found out why-that same doctor put her fistula up too high, bumping on her major nerve in her armpit almost-when she lost the weight and was weak it was too much to bear. She decided to discontinue dialysis, no more pain.
The thing is, her doctor called her infection in February a UTI...wtf? So, I am in the process of having this 'doctor' investigated. What kind of ass operates on a 74 year old who is weak and has a fever? What kind of ASS doesn't EVER come to the rehabilitation home he has caused his patient to be in....NOT.EVEN.AFTER.SHE.DECIDED.TO.DIE!
I'm going to find him and he's going to explain himself.
So, aside from being angry I am heartbroken. My mom texted me the night she died to ask for a ride to the home to visit her (we knew she was going)...no calls, no stopping by, no call-bombing, just one sad little text. I didn't get it until the next morning and then my mom texted me to tell me my grandma was gone...F.U.C.K. so now my mom blames me for her missing her mom's death....okay?
Let's not even get too far in to things like all of the rants I had to hear from my mom just a month or two ago about how she wanted her mom to die...how she had ruined my mom's life and blah blah blah
let's not get in to the fact that my entire life, whenever my mom got sick of being my mom she would ditch me with my grandma. I lived with them about equally through out my life. Including when I was 15 and my mom just ran away. my grandma retired early and moved 700 miles so that I could finish high school, she took on my brother when he was a toddler and raised him until he was 12 (he's only just 13 now)
I would not be who I am without her, I wouldn't have gone to college with out her.
I could go in to more details, etc. but that was draining enough. So vibes for a safe passage for my "Damen" (what I could say instead of grandma as a toddler) and healing and processing vibes for my family