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I love you, but kindly... take a hike!I have always had this...thing...about "letting down" my parents. I feel like the older I get, the worse it gets. When I was a teenager, my dad dealt with disagreements by ignoring people, meaning that any time I did something he didn't like, I was completely ignored for days at a time. Not blaming my dad for this, but I have always felt like I have to do what my parents want in order to not let them down. The hardest part of telling them I was pregnant was not wanting to see the look of disappointment on my moms face that her 20 year old was knocked up, or to be ignored by my dad. The reason I bring this up, is that I am currently quite frustrated. The housing people finally offered me a new place the other day, which I went to go look at anyways (because I still have "no" issues)even though I will be moving in with C. The place was quite wierd, reminded me of a school. Anyways, I didn't like it. And Bear started screaming the second we walked in the door, and stopped when we walked out, which said a lot to me. I came here to my parents house tonight so that BD can have his visit tomorrow, and my dad was asking me about the apartment. I said I didn't like it, and still intend to move in with C. He then proceeded to tell me about why he thinks that is a completely stupid move for me to leave public housing. I said I disagree and am comfortable with my choice and he got angry at me. It is a travesty in this house to "challenge" my dads "authority". I just get frustrated with this. It's really not like I don't think things through. Granted I've done a lot of irresponsible stuff in my life, but now that I have a kid, I don't just do stuff without thinking anymore. I have thought a lot about this, weighed the pros and cons, talked a lot with C, talked with other people, and am quite comfortable with my choice. But why was I afraid to tell that to my parents? They are the hardest people for me to stick up for myself against. Another thing I have going on with them right now is trying to get them out of my business. I am appreciative of everything they have done for me, sooo much so. But I get really tired of them constantly asking me questions about EVERYTHING. They want to know every little thing about all of my business.They're constantly asking about every tiny thing regarding BD, information that I don't freely give up is looked at like I'm "keeping secrets". My mom constantly shames me for any compassion or leftover feelings I have for the man. They hate that I raise Bear differently than my brother and I were raised, my mom takes the things I do differently as an attack of her parenting. She got so upset about it the other day that she said "you know, I should never have even had children!". Errr...what? My dad has no respect for the way I parent, continuing on doing whatever he wants with Bear, even when I ask him not to do certain things, then he just laughs at me like I know nothing. anyways, i have to go because Bear is crying and wants me to come to bed... __________________
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Vibes mama. We all know I
Vibes mama. We all know I have parental issues. Haha. I know where you're coming from. But I second what Mercury says. They may be out of line, but it's gotta be hard for them. Maybe you could gently remind them that you have a child and can make good choices, if you haven't stood up for yourself already. It's so hard to confront my parents. Many times I feel like I have to be the parent and teach them HOW to be my parents in a healthy way. You know? Good luck and I'll be thinking about you. "Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou
"Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou
mama, you are their business
you wrote: They want to know every little thing about all of my business.
That's because you are their child. They are no less concerned with and fascinated with you than you are with bear!!! I know that seems crazy but as parent of grown child (my daughter will be 20 in May) I can attest that is true...I think about, wonder about, worry about, hope about, all that my daughter just as much now as when she was a wee girl.
BUT she is grown and I have to respect her space and independence as grown folk. it is one thing to know this intellectually, another to actually do. My daughter basically had to tell me, get out of my business, stop calling me and texting me all the time, stop trying to go where I go, etc. She said it very kindly, and gently, but it still hurt my heart. but oh well! I had to get with the program, because at 19 she is grown, it's her life and her program. So maybe you need to sit down with your parents and express all this to them. Be prepared for their hurt, even anger, and try not to take it personally. They love you and it just takes a great deal to adjust to a person that you invested all this time and effort and emotion into nurturing from infancy to adulthood to (what seems like suddenly) no longer want or even need, really, your guidance and oversight and management of their life. You are a grown woman, and being so means clearly expressing your boundaries.
creative life | children
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
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Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.
~Jean Anouilh
My parents are a LOT like this
and things came to a head for us ten years ago, when I made it clear to them that I wanted to live 3,000 miles away and "shack up" with my then boyfriend without being married. We didn't have kids then or anything. They threw this huge tantrum about me "ruining my life" because I didn't choose the career path they wanted for me, let them pick out the people who were "appropriate" to date, etc. My parents have major control issues.
Anyway, after not speaking to them for about 6 months, I sat them down (on the phone) and told them, this is what you are going to need to do in order to have a relationship with me. If you continue judging everything I do and taking it as a personal attack on your parenting, I won't be honest with you about my life, and we'll have a pleasant, polite, on-the-surface relationship. If you want to really be there for me, you have to learn how to listen without judging, and how to be supportive. Then I told them what supportive meant to me - like getting to know my partner, not just saying "he seems nice". Like not judging my career choices.
I can't say that it worked 100%, but things got a lot better after that. When they start getting hard to deal with, I stop returning their calls, or I write them letters and tell them they are overstepping their boundaries.
I would have to add that having 3,000 miles worth of distance between us makes this aspect of our relationship easier.
Anyway, don't know if this is helpful, but it sounds like your folks are still viewing you as a child, and maybe you have to talk to them about it. They will probably freak out and take it personally, but ultimately the prize is a closer relationship with you and your kid, and it sounds like their overbearing behavior does come from a place of love.
PS - I snorted my coffee out of my nose laughing when I read the part about your mom accusing you of "keeping secrets" - my mom does the same thing, and it's so ridiculous!!
"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson
"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson
Wow. No wonder you have
Wow. No wonder you have "no" issues! (I do, too, I mean no offense.) They seem pretty insecure. *sigh* I'm sorry you're having to mess with this, mama. Be assertive, but kind. It's not easy.
24/MN. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD1.5
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.