Not Another Manic Monday

After doing combat with hypo-mania for weeks followed by a fairly large-scale manic meltdown on Saturday, I decided to do what I've been contemplating for a while - go back on a mood stabilizer.

Even if I wasn't so manic I was driving everybody nuts (including myself) and risking my professional and personal relationships without reason or remorse, my recently unchecked mood disorder has wreaked havoc on my menstrual cycle and unleashed some fairly rabid hormones.

Not a pretty combination. Also not helpful when trying to push my writing career, keep the wedding plans rolling, and especially not when trying get knocked-up.

I am on Day 3 of my third menstrual cycle in 1.5 months. Not only am I not ovulating, but today I am bleeding and crampy and cranky less than a week after my last period ended - which was seven days long. I would say this makes trying to conceive problematic; if I can't keep my cycle stable because my moods aren't stable, then what would be the point of staying off a mood stabilizer until I get pregnant?

Right. None.

So I am going on Tegretol, an anticonvulsant med I took with great success for mood stabilization all through my 20s, which is rated least-risky for pregnant women with epilepsy to take. Because, of course, no doctor in their right mind would tell a woman who suffers from grand mal seizures to go off her meds, while my mental illness should be expected to go unchecked because... why?

Because Bipolar disorder isn't potentially fatal? Wrong. Because Bipolar women hoping to conceive should simply suffer since it's all in our heads? Wrong. Because treating Bipolar disorder while trying to conceive decreases the chances of conception? Wrong.

It's been two days since I've been back on a mood stabilizer (also still taking Folic Acid, Vitex and Omega-3 supplements) and I'm starting to feel human again, and not a moment too soon.

When I meet with my OB/GYN from UCLA early next month for preconception counseling, I look forward to hearing her thoughts on if I should stop the Tegretol even when I eventually (hopefully) verify a pregnancy.

By then I'm hoping to have further anecdotal evidence through my charting on how closely linked my hormones and brain chemistry are because this is ultimately what I wonder: If not being on a mood stabilizer makes me into a monster, then what effect would that have on a baby I was carrying? And is that more or less than the risk of being on a medicine that epileptic women take to save the lives of themselves and their babies while they are pregnant? Do I not have that same right, privilege and obligation?

Going off of meds, even with medical supervision and therapeutic support, is clearly something that I cannot manage effectively or appropriately. Since going on mood stabilizers 13 years ago I only lapsed in their use once - when I couldn't afford them after my ex-husband left me uninsured - and I ended up in the loony bin. I have never been one to throw my meds and all caution to the wind because I like the "whee!" effect of mania. I've seen too up close and personally the damage I can do to myself and my world and facing that for the many months it make take me to conceive plus the nine months of pregnancy scares me shitless.

I want to be able to conceive and I want to be able to do so with my mind and body in one piece and at peace. To do this I require medication that poses less risk than I would face without it. End of story. This does not make me weak or selfish or stupid. It makes me responsible for my life so I can be responsible for creating another.