What's on my mind tonight
My DD's godmother lost her partner last year in November. She is mourning him, seaking for help in meetings with others who mourn. It does her really good.
Today she called, very upset, angry, and almost in tears. Her partner had a daugter, already grown-up. She lives together with a divorced man and his daughters since five years. I'll call her "A" to get things easier to write. "A" didn't get along too well with her father. Nevertheless they met about every other week. When my friend and "A" were looking through papers after "A"'s father's death, she said "Oh good, here are all the documents we need, so we can marry soon." Even then my friend were a bit disgusted. Today she found an invitation in her post, saying that "A" will marry in May.
My friend felt as if someone was harshly touching her fresh wound without any anesthesia. She was hurt. It was as if "A" was saying: "You lost your man, but I will marry. Hah hah, how lucky I am!"
How can people be so harsh, so mean to others who mourn deeply?
...the lover, the dreamer, and me (Jim Henson)
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When I called my grandfather, whom I love dearly, to tell him my man had proposed the night before, his wife told me he had died. It was my birthday. I had been going to ask if he would make the wedding cake; he had made one for some friends. Grandpa was an amazing cook.
We, I, choose to continue with wedding plans anyway. I'm sure at least one person thought it was tacky to have our wedding 6 mos later, but I know my grandpa loved me dearly, and would have wished me joy.
Perhaps 'A' isn't mean, just insensitive to your friend, and how her joy could be hurtful. Weddings are intensely personal events, and I'm sure A's feelings for her Dad are complicated.
The worst thing about grief is the lonliness of it. It's natural for your friend to be hurt so by the celebrations of life going on in the face of such immense loss. Christmas is one of those times, and that will be terribly difficult for her also. The wedding's time is a matter of choice, and I could see how that would make someone angry.
Grief is intensely personal also. I hope your friend is doing alright, and can manage the pain....I'm so sorry for her loss and send vibes of healing and maybe a few little moments of her own joy to help her get through what she is going through.
Don't be too afraid to be yourself. The alternative is always worse.
Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. You wrote what I could not.
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