a new possibility for us :D
oooo Mamas, the prospect of a new living arrangement is on the horizon for Bearboy and I!
For anyone who doesn't know the jist(gist?) of things, we currently live in government subsidized housing, in an itty bitty two bedroom apartment (itty bitty as in about 15 steps long) I quite liked it here until BD moved in around the corner and I can see his apartment from my bedroom. Creepy. I've been uncomfortable being here since, because whether or not he is ACTUALLY watching me, I get wierded out by the possibility that he COULD be. Also, I feel like a bit of a caged animal in here lately, access to outdoors isn't easy, my windows are facing the wrong direction to get sunlight so it pretty chilly, even with the heat cranked.
I have been at public housing to move me since BD moved in around the corner last October. I said I would be fine with anything as long as he didn't move in next door again, but the lady wanted to put me somewhere with a secured entryway (not like that does me any good here, because the other tenants let people in allll the time). I went and looked at two places she offered. One was wayyyyyyy far away in a very, very VERY creepy place. The other one was wayyyyyyyyyyy far away in the other direction and also very creepy. It also smelled like cigarettes to the point that I could barely breathe.
I have registered myself with another housing co-op in hopes that they might find me a place, but they don't have any openings yet.
BUT!
We were over at C's house the other day, and she mentioned that she is looking to rent out one of the bedrooms of her house so that she can continue to afford to live there now that her (separated)husband has moved out. She said that Bear and I kept coming to mind. Bear cosleeps with me, so one room will be fine for a while. She thinks university students might feel uncomfortable there, as she has 2 little girls, no tv and no oven. She also remembered that when I first left BD, I was looking for a room in a house with someone who had kids.
I am going to share my little pro/con list with you ladies, maybe you can offer insight?
pros
===
-kids around for Bear to watch and interact with on a daily basis
-someone around so that i will not be alone all the time
-it is a HOUSE(big PRO for me!)
-there is a backyard with a big garden, and small raised gardens for the kids by the side of the house
-she grows all her own veggies in the summer (joy!)
-her family eats the same way I/we do
- she insists that if I move in, yoga class will be free
-closer to downtown/the farmers market/amenities/busses
- although rent is about $150 more than it is here, it INCLUDES all utilities, phone and internet, which I pay on my own here, so it works out to be cheaper
-plus, we'd be sharing the grocery bill
- there are stairs, for Bear to learn how to climb
-everything is already child friendly
- the house is big, bright and beautiful
-The other kids(and cat!) around will also be helpful in teaching Bear to share and to be gentle
-We have similar parenting and living styles
- I really like her kids and so does Bear, and they seem to quite like us
- She has a washing machine and dryer that DON'T cost money to use, plus a drying line in the backyard that I can hang our clothes on to dry 
and diapers! No more diapers hanging on a drying rack in the extra bedroom!
-C loves having guests and random people pop over, so I will meet lots of nice new people, and Bear will have lots of young kids to play with
Cons
===
-where will I put all my stuff? C's basement floods, my parents are looking into moving to a smaller house now that it's just the two of them living there.
-My own issues with living with people. I have lived with 2 other people in my life, and they both ended horribly. Granted I was "romantically" involved with them both. Granted, for the first one I was an anorexic teenager gone crazy on birth control pills, and we rarely hung out with people besides each other, and all we did was stay in our dirty, tiny apartment above the very loud downtown and smoke pot and watch movies. ALL THE TIME. And the second one was BD, and well, I should never have moved in with him because he was/is a big jerk and I knew that.
-If I move out of public housing and then decide I don't like living with C or it's not working out, I can't just call up public housing and say "Okay! didn't work. put me back in cheap housing again!". I think this is probably my biggest negative factor.
Some other things to think of:
-C's husband(who moved out) is still around a fair bit to be with the girls because both he AND C were stay at home parents. While I get along with M and quite like him because he is very nice and light-filled, I do also think he's a bit self centered and kind of dumb in his lame reasons for leaving such a wonderful lady. i do see him now from time to time and we get along fine, so I don't think this would be too much of an issue.
- I know sometimes we can both be a bit frazzled due to our "former significant others". This could either become a very supportive friendship, or one where we just get annoyed with one another.
-Going hand in hand with the "where will I put all my stuff?" is the fact that I JSUT bought a dehydrator and a sprouting setup (lights, trays, shelving unit...)only to move into somehwere where all that stuff is already there...
I've got a while to think about it,and am leaning the "yes" way. Can anyone share any insight on living with people. Advice, ideas, thoughts?
~Seriousness is a sickness; your sense of humor makes you more human, more humble.~
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about what to do with all your stuff. I'm of the belief that if you're paying for a portion of the rent based on how many bedrooms you're using, you should also have space in the living room, part of the kitchen storage, space in the bathroom for your stuff.
Living with a roommate is completely different than living with a partner. I have basically no trouble living with a partner, but somewhere in my mind, a roommate really bothers me. My husband's mess I see as "our mess" whereas a roommate is purposely trying to diss me by leaving all their shit in my fucking way all the time goddammit.
This situation would probably be really awesome at first then settle into alright or maybe sometimes a little annoying. I've known single mamas that did awesome with sharing a house, they watched each other's kids and took turns cooking and cleaning and all that. I don't know what it's really like though because I have never lived with other parents.
Do you have a likable caseworker you can candidly put this question to? My experience with hud was at first atrocious, but once I was approved on sec. 8 and really researched all my options it really helped advance me in my life. I had a decent place at affordable (when I first got on I think I was paying $14mo!) rent and I could afford to do other things--school, quality time with ds...actually tonight I ran into a guy who worked for them who helped me with a grant program that I qualified for because I was on public housing that scored me $6000 towards starting my business. So, it can be worth it to stay in it and I would really push the program to see what you qualify for...but if there's only shit options in your area then at some point you'll want to make the break anyway.
The sit with the roomies sounds ideal in a lot of ways. One red flag that goes up for me is about the husband...is he going to be coming back? And wanting you out? If things don't work out, what will you do? Can you see backup rooming options? If you do decide to move in I would be sit down together and write out an agreement. I see these things work well a lot of times, at least for awhile, but it also ruins a lot of friendships, so the more you can be upfront about in the get go on respecting boundaries, agreeing on communication, etc. the better.
It's great to have options, and it sounds like a move is def coming for you somehow!
i personally think it could work!
this opportunity sounds really positive overall because:
the positives are a plentiful - and the bottom line is that i vibe you really don't like to live alone. if i'm wrong about this, please tell me. dahli is right - some single mom's thrive living in a communal enviornment, i did it when skye was little and it was cool for about a year. some need it this way to move forward, they like the companionship and added support. and it just plain makes sense!
i actually think you could easily set some boundaries and work out any potential kinks before you even hit the door, you're excellent at boundary setting - you can do this bears!
when i did the roomate thing - skye and i shared a flat in the early 90's with like minded single folk. and honestly, it worked because skye was the only child in the house.
dahl brought up some good points - can you negotiate more space? or will this move be the catalyst to pare down your stuff? honestly, i think it's worth it in the long run, if you have to leave some things behind. just my 2 cents.
the ex-factor is a non-issue. if you can maintain a clear boundary about whatever goes down between C and her ex, then you should be good to go - and vise versa. this could be a really healing time for both of you - and i don't see any drama seeping into the situation. it's really between the two of them, that's it. you get along fine with him and outside of basic communication and being friendly for the sake of being a good person, you don't need to say or do anything more. does that make sense? i hope so!
you never really liked the public housing situation, right? i understand - i've gone that way too. when skye was little we lived in straight up projects and it was hairy at times.
present time - i've scored on the housing front as a single mom with just mars and i love it. i've personally passed up on two situations where i could have picked up a roomate and it would have financially helped me out a lot. BUT, i prefer to live alone, and i've kept my space open for the right man to come in and build a life with us. my ideal siuation:
a good man comes in here and handles brizness/spends quality time with us! i would like him to be able to spend the night with us and we could go over to his place and sleep over there too. i dream of a good man waking up in my bed on a saturday morning, rolling over and giving me a kiss - starting the first pot of coffee and pulling a jerry mcguire with mars & skye eating cereal and talking over cartoons and mtv, in his drawers. a hot shower and a enjoying the day out with us would follow!
anyhoos - never mind the tom cruise "cocktail" moment, i support this move wholeheartedly. i think your friend is cool and i can honestly see the situation working out for several years. this can only be a win-win.
p.s. i know it's scary to let go of the apartment/public housing you have and face the possibility of it not working. create a mantra to help yourself get over this like: "moving in with c will be a win-win for both of us. we're compatiable and it's a positive move for all of us". you catch my drift girl.
love you and please let us know what you decide!
your friend - Christy X the woman who dreams of a good man/the right man coming home after a late night of work with a boner, 3 new pairs of fishnets for me to enjoy and a smile on his face! *he needs to shower before he gets into bed!*.
cassandra is searching for wayne!
you've caught the right vibe mama, that i really don't like living alone. Although I think it is good for me to have the time that i have had on my own to kind of find myself, I do like the idea of not ALWAYS being alone.I am very social. We discussed today how if I move in, we are both going to work on the boundary thing, as in still keeping time for ourselves, and not constantly worrying/feelining like we have to take care of one another/do everything for the other, which is how both of our previous living situations were.
I also DONT want to live in public housing forever, I think this would be a good jumping off point for getting out of "the system". And if things dont work out, its will be a good time to get my butt in gear and find ways to earn more money while being with my son. And really, as long as I have enough $$$ to keep good food in our bellies and a roof over our heads (and some clothes...), thats all we REALLY need.
Christy,
I believe you will find your man with a nice boner AND fishnets sooner than later Can he be wearing the fishnets??
~Seriousness is a sickness; your sense of humor makes you more human, more humble.~
Looks like you're laying the groundwork for this to work quite well for both of you. You may have more access to the needed alone-time because you can childcare-share with her a bit, if you're both interested. When it works well, it works REALLY well. I can see your reservations, but I think it's worth the risk, as long as you feel there's enough space for everyone.
I tried going into one of these agreements when I had to bail on a lease a little over a year ago. While we were planning things, turns out the gal went psycho on me because I vax selectively. She was a schoolteacher and had zero tolerance for that, "why would you risk other people's health like that! What about people who can't get sick and CAN'T have vaccines because of a condition!? You'll risk them because you're selfish!" Whole big thing. She bailed on me. It was devastating at the time because I had already given notice and couldn't afford to stay anyway, so I had to find a place to live. It worked out, and was the push I needed to get cracking on buying my dream house (done, and done.) But at the time, it sucked a lot. So just make sure you know each other well! I really wish it would have worked out, because I'd love to have a good arrangement with someone, but it just didn't happen.
24/MN. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD1.5
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.
Ok, I need to start another thread about this VAX thing because I'm confused.
bearsy - you made my night with this one girl! i realized how dorky i came across in my reply! forgive me!
thank you for supporting my open heart agenda. i'm waiting until the right man shows up, i'm not in a hurry at this point.
i want a man who will enjoy my legs and supports my tights/fishnet theories! i would love some surprise leg wear!! we'll see!
i think there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to live with someone. it's only a matter of preference and what feels right to you in the moment/present tense.
honestly, this is reason enough for me to say that you should do it. people might not see it that way, but some people really need to live in a communal setting, it's more productive/healthier for them. and i personally think that you've done your time on your own. and on a personal note, you're young enough to do this - i don't mean that in a disrespectful way at all. when i lived with housemates at 19 with skye (i realize that you're older than i was) it shaped me into the woman i am today. i hope that makes sense. i needed that type of support going into my 20's. when i look back on it, it was vital in terms of my personal growth, etc.
my buddy lisa, is my age, and also planning to do the same thing - and i completely support her doing it. she wouldn't want to go about it like i have. as single mother's we have to do it our way, whatever is going to make it easier on us, becomes the # priority.
i'm such a scorpio - even when i meet the right man, i could go the next few years shuttling it back and forth between our places. i don't want to be offically married or living with someone until i'm 40.
a few more years of my own space would do be some good.
you're on the right track to working out the fine lines with C - keep going, you're doing what's best for you and bear and what's right for you as a single woman.
something in this situation rings out to me, you're working on healing and moving on from your ex. i think you need more breathing space and a chance at working on your heart issues alone, but also having the balance of being around supportive people. this is your time to soar!
love you - christyX
cassandra is searching for wayne!
To me the pros sound to be more important than the cons. Set up an agreement with her so you both know what duties and rights everyone has. If I was a single mom I would look for something like that. It is so good to have support on a daily basis. And to have someone with whome you could talk. You wouldn't feel so lonely any longer.
Vibing you for easy move and joyful living!
...the lover, the dreamer, and me (Jim Henson)
...the lover, the dreamer, and me (Jim Henson)
thats a hard decision to make. at first glance, I was thinking, wow! that sound like an amazing living situation, but some other mamas pointed out the other things that might come into play. At any rate, it does "sound" like a lovely living situation.
and yeah, maybe having a frank and open discussion about what it is that you both envision in this living arrangement and create some clear boundaries in words or maybe even out on paper could be helpful.
much luck to you mama.
: )
This is wonderful news!! From what you've said here I get a great feeling about the sitution. The "cons" on your list sound more like fears and things you need to stay positive about to overcome. The only caveat, I suppose, would be what you would do if it didn't work out...but for some reason I really don't think you're going to have to deal with that! I think you should allow this great new opportunity a chance to grow...good luck, mama!
Ps- I'm a wee bit jealous, as I've always fantasized about finding a roomie with kids to share a house with. The support and resources would be wonderful!!
I'm asking 'cause I remember when I was a single woman and first on my own. My first attempt at sharing a place with another single mother ended badly because she kept bringing lots of guys home, and guys she just met at that. Not my kind of scene at all so I had to bail. and what about you, what if it's you who wants to bring a guy home, would she be ok with that? maybe get this talked over and clarified...
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yeah, the thing with her husband(-y guy) M had me a little wierded out too, but C and I sat down this morning and did some chatting/envisioning and duscussed what we would like to see come of this possibility.
She said she has already talked to M and asked him for his advice, and he thinks it would be a great idea. He also mentioned that he would love to hang out with Bear if I ever need to do anything, since he has no boys. which is quite nice of him, although I'm not sure about THAT.
I'm leaning the yes way big time. She's a bit neater than me, but I am totally capable of cleaning up after myself better than I do...I just dont...
Also, even if M DID come back(although I don't see that happening as he is off following his own path right now), they had someone renting that room when they first moved into the house, before their second daughter was born...so I don't think it would be too bad.
~Seriousness is a sickness; your sense of humor makes you more human, more humble.~