Waiting

I've always planned on being a mother, but never on being pregnant... until now.

After one regrettable termination and several miscarriages - all the result of oops! style pregnancies, my partner and I are giving ourselves the greenlight to knock me up good and I hope this time we're able to make it happen.

Because with every loss of a pregnancy I've become positively aware that there is a life waiting, and more than a little insistently, to be born of my body, heart and soul.

There is a list of what some might call pragmatic reasons why now is not "the time" to be doing the baby dance for us, but I think it's actually the opposite.

I am finally with a committed partner who wants a family and believes in creating one with me (yay!) with the kind of intention I've always dreamed of.

I am managing my mood disorder better than in the past and with a very supportive treatment team; I also have a plan of action for whatever my neurotransmitters throw my way on this journey.

I am not in a nine-to-five office environment in the same job capacity that in the past has swallowed me whole, spit me out, and left nothing further for me to give to anyone.

I am writing again, creating with my mind as I give my body permission to do its own creating thing.

So I'm not yet married, although when June 7th rolls around I will be with or without bun in the oven. I have to admit, the potential for scandal amuses me.

So I'm on a wing and a prayer that the State of California's disability checks don't bounce on their way to my bank account.

So I'm a renter not an owner of our one bedroom apartment, already filled with four fur babies but hey, there's always room for one more plus a co-sleeper.

So I'm not gonna be the mom with the station wagon/mini van/SUV with room to sport all the latest must-have gadgets that I'm pretty sure most babies don't crawl screaming into therapy if they live without.

I'm used to breaking the mold; I'm a fat, mouthy, non-blond, and un-waxed Target shopper with my original anatomy intact who's kicking it in the Hollywood Hills trying to tell a story or two for the screen while I'm at it.

Nothing wrong with this picture except the folks who look at it through the judgmental glasses of the mainstream perfectionist.

All the pregnancy books say, no two pregnancies are the same. Well no two mamas are alike, either. That's why I said goodbye to BabyCenter and am embracing HipMama. Thanks for having me and after a few more cycles I hope to move from waiting and hopeful to expecting and thrilled.