Tween boy angst.
I'll be honest, I just want to punch my kid in the nose pretty much everyday lately. He's 11 1/2. He's socially akward. He's insecure and defensive. He's a great person--funny and intelligent and sometimes charming and helpful. I feel like we're on this wire, that I have to get it right, now, before it's too late, that he could go either way. I want him to be well adjusted, not sullen and anti social and lame. He's doing alright in school in the subjects he likes, and bombing out where he doesn't really want to follow through. This is our first middle school year, and first year with a traditional grading scale, so it's a transition and i think I've been pretty cool--a lot cooler than my mom would have been!--but am finding I need to ride him everyday to make sure he's done what he's supposed to and followed through with all the stupid procedural stuff like put your name in the right place, but even then there's no guarantee that he'll actually turn it in. He's in music classes he really likes and I'm taking him to UU middle school group and occasional sports stuff. What else should I be doing? what can I do to help him pull through as a strong, confident, kind man? I feel like he needs a coming of age thing, or to get his ass kicked, or to be empowered in some way I'm missing.
- mnemosyne's blog
- Login or register to post comments
On the one hand, I think you can take some of the pressure off yourself because you want him to become a strong, confident and kind man and he can get there regardless of whether he puts his name on/turns in some (probably lame) assignments. I struggle with this too, because I feel as women we tend to have an easier time just accepting the lame procedural stuff that turns boys off in school so much, but that sometimes we need to get past what's easiest and learn from what people who are successful are doing.
What I try communicating to Tony is that his feelings (that the homework is too much, too annoying, lame, not teaching him what he wants to know, etc etc...)are all really valid and that I, if I had to do that work, would feel the same, but that sometimes it is just time to buck up and suck it up because not doing the work so often turns into a nasty and aggressive power thing with the teacher and ends up being a bigger problem instead of going away.
A couple thoughts: can you guys make interesting plans for the weekend and do something that recuperates both of you to face the week? would it work to incentivize some of the assignment-turning-in like "you can do blank Friday night if your teacher tells me you turned in all your stuff"? is it possible for him to do some service oriented camp this summer? does he have any hobbies that could be taken to the next level? would a tutor in a difficult subject help?
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
i do not have a teenage boy so take my words with a grain a salt but i think those years are petty much awkward for evryone except for the choosen few. if you love and support him and always let him know how cool you think he is and how proud you are of him as a person i think emotionally he'll come around and be fine. The school work thing is different however. you gotta just lay the law down if its just lack of effort. and his age there is no reason he cant get his name in the correct place on the paper kwim? In my house nothing under a C was acceptable point blank. and c were not truely acceptable had to be better. you gotta put down the rules as far as grades and school is concerned but thats just my opinion.good luck mama.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
I totally understand you when you say you feel like you have to ride him every day to make sure he does his work, but he will gain confidence when he knows he can do it on his own. When he knows he can handle the consequences. Let him handle his own homework and chores, if he doesn't follow through oh well he will quickly learn he has to deal with the consequences.
Social wise it's an awkward time, 11-12ish is still a time you can help friend-wise kinda. encourage him to have friends over and reach out to other moms of kids in his class to have their kids over. My 11 year old would freak out if I called his hanging out 'play dates' but that is how many of his new middle school friendships started out. me and a few moms making arrangements just to get our kids out of our hair for an afternoon.
and basically just back off, boys need a lot of space this age I've found. When he feels he has breathing room with you that will greatly ease the sulleness and defensiveness.
seed & flame
Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake. ~ Marie Beyon Ray
And we have done really well getting him to speak up and be a person in a social setting. And he does. With that being said, he is still a scmuck 40% of the time. He is in a magnet school that has a huge priority of getting them to stand up to people and be themselves around adults and the world. But on the other hand I think tween boys lose some brain cells around this age. It is really aggravating. And I want to scream sometimes. We have him in the rock band at school, and this has helped me be more empowered and outspoken. What does he like to do? I think getting him talking about anything he likes or dislikes helps alot. Boston goes through spurts when I have to say "hello, are you in there? Where are you!" He still breaks down and cries over silly things, or tells me off randomly. No self cenorship at all.
I am right there with you, with the tween stuff. It sucks. I think aliens came and abducted our kids and replaced them with these people!
I make a point of pointing out if someone else is treated bad by someone at school, or in life in general, I say is that how you want to be remembered? Or do you want to be remembered as a nice and gentle person. And leave it as that.
Oh man, this really sounds like my 8.5 year old. He's always been socially ahead of the curve. The kids his age are still acting like normal 7-8 year olds, and he's 3 years ahead of the game, sulking and moody. I really worry about what he'll be like in middle school. Of course, maybe he'll actually be a decent in his teen years? 
Sometimes it's so hard to convey to him that I really do love him because his moods are so up and down. Maybe you could find a day, in your schedule, to take him out to do something, just the two of you. Just to reconnect, so it's not always you being the bad guy, you know with the riding. I know sometimes I do this to sorta show my son, that I'm more than just 'mom'. That I can be a friend to him too. Though, I'm not sure he views me as such most of the time.
Also, Peculiar Old Bird recommended the book "How to talk so kids will listen, How to listen so kids will talk" and it's really amazing how it works, when I remember to put the suggestions to use. Good luck mama. "Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou
"Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith
but I guess it makes sense. I mean, I don't like going through the bullshit either, and it is especially hard to give a shit about it for him, but I keep trying to align myself to conform there, cause sometimes you just gotta. Thanks for your clarity on communication, that's nice to take the charge off it like that, and I'm going to try the weekend carrot. It's a good idea.