mom stuff, again, my mom that is
Ok, so about nine months or so ago I wrote my mom an email (which I posted here) telling her I wanted a break. Today I wrote her an email telling her I wouldn't be coming back from the break in the foreseeable future. After writing the first email, I was all shaky and weepy and nervous, after this one I am excited and happy. It's weird. I guess I've come a longer way than I thought.
So no contact may seem harsh if you don't know the story, but pretty much she has a mental illness and is abusive, and after 33 years of being her thing, I am done. And it feels good.
- Henry's blog
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How much I needed to read this tonight! I'm in the same boat, been afraid to formalize it, since EVERYTHING I say engenders some kind of retaliation. But, now I I will do it, and I look forward to the "Whew"! Thanks for posting this!!!!
"...we can't solve global warming because I f---ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective."--President Elect, Barrack Obama
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
I've been feeling sad that I won't be able to connect with a long line of mamas till way back, but then I have to remind myself that I am just formalizing what has already been. I've never had that long line. It's a wide horizon of mamas I know now. Sha-la-la let's live for today.
"...we can't solve global warming because I f---ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective."--President Barrack Obama
I know that feeling of relief; of freedom from what I call familial terrorism. good riddance!
seed & flame
Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake. ~ Marie Beyon Ray
I'm glad you are feeling so much better. And feeling strong about this decision. I'll admit I don't remember all the details, the last time you posted about the email was just after T was born and everything from that time is hazy. But I know you've done the right thing. It sounds like you've used the last 3 months to do some healing and it's time to continue with your life without the abuse. You go, Henry!!!
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
I used to feel bad like that, too. But then I think, shoot, I stuck it out when I was a kid. I did my time. I have other people to care for (and this is the proper order of things--I am the mom, I take care of my kids; not the other way around as it was with my mom). You don't have the responsibility to care for someone who abused you. Period. It's like Obama putting a salary cap on bailed out execs!
"...we can't solve global warming because I f---ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective."--President Obama
My mother does not have a diagnosed mental illness but I often wonder if she has one that is low-grade or just a personality disorder, that has allowed her to function as a 'normal' person. When she told me on my birthday last month, first words out of her mouth no less, "You're still alive" in this disappointed, accusing tone I decided enough is enough, what a FREAK. I mean who does that, who says that to their own baby on their birthday??? except some kind of crazy person (and there's this whole back story of how she could have aborted me but didn't which she was always telling me about when I was a kid, WTF who tells a little kid that? jeez) I was so hurt, and was like, whaaa-? She tried to blow it off like Oh I'm just kidding, blah blah blah. except...she wasn't kidding, not at all. This has been a constant in my life, tiny little mean things she says to me to put me down or hurt my feelings. anyway! don't mean to hijack, just to let you know I understand.
seed & flame
Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake. ~ Marie Beyon Ray
It sounds like you've needed this time away from her to put the guilt to rest and see things clearly. It's always a sign to me when I take space away from somebody and don't miss them at all - or when I feel better without them in my life. I do remember your posts. You have done everything you can. It's time to take care of you now.
"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson
Living drama free is important. I took a huge hiatus from my mom because her mental illness was so hard to deal with, the break was just what I needed. Glad you have made this journey and are comfortable where you are at. Good for you!
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how different it feels right now. I think I usually stop short of taking the action that really helps - I spent years getting crazy with my mother, and then it would get really bad and I would pull back for a while, but then I would get involved again when I felt better and start it all over again. She isn't the type you can talk or train into treating you well, she just can't do it. And she'll say something very hurtful and turn around and say that you misunderstood, she never said that and never would say that and she forgives you for misunderstanding (luckily she sometimes says things in front of others, so I know I am not totally crazy). So yeah, I feel better, I still feel selfish for not sticking it out. But life is too short to have a bad one.