Do I stay or do I go?
I looked at the bookstore tonight for a book that would tell me, but couldn't find a thing. I just can't stand him right now, and can't stand that he can't stand me. There's little things that happened, that have illuminated deeper underlying patterns--I think I would be better off without him, but I feel like a failure. I'm sad for the kids. Goddamnit! I know he's an excellent father, I know my daughter adores him and will be damaged if he goes, I know my son calls him papa and is entering into manhood and oftentimes goes to him instead of me. But staying together for the kids? What do we think of that these days?
I'm relieved at the thought of being without him. I bought new sheets and am waiting for him to be gone before I put them on the bed. I'm anticipating not having his shit all over, not having to take care of all his business, not having to nag him, not having to be the bitch. It just feels like such a struggle to be with him and I feel constantly sabotaged, and lately I don't have his adoration to make up for it, just clearer and clearer resentment.
But is this how it is? Do I just have to stick it out, give it time, compromise, etc.? Or am I wasting myself in that?
Seriously, is there a guide?
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I'm sorry about this mama. I have no advice for you. For myself, I'd probably lean toward letting the relationship end if it has run its course, but some people would work on it with a 3rd party, I guess. Whatever you need to do will turn out to be the right thing in the long run. Your children will be mostly great but a little scarred either way just like the rest of us. Good luck with the transition/improving the relationship.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
hello mne -
i'm always rooting for you - no matter what.
i'm sorry to hear about this - i have to say, you've been at this crossroads on/off for a long time now.
i agree with velma - some people would seek out a counsleor, i think it's wise if it's a long term relationship and you want o make a go of it. people can heal, grow together and be happy. if they want the same things and they can reach a common ground, right?
i don't know - i also agree with velma that sometimes you need to let things run it's course and rebuild your life. from my experience, you need to let go most of the time when it comes down to being in a relationship only for the kids. in my case, i argued a lot with my ex, and the kids knew what was up. i was overworked, unhappy and unloved.
and let's be completely honest, you can live seperate lives and be in it for the kids, but why? for how long? does it only prolong the inevitable? i think it's unique question, it depends on the couple. *and honestly, if you ask that question outloud, i suspect you already have an answer in your heart*.
sharene once told me that divorce is all about wanting "something different/more". a person comes to this conclusion on their own terms, because relationships are complex.
for me it came down to being unsatisfied, period. i wasn't on my life path at all - and there was no way, i could continue living with someone day in a day out, while i felt this way.
don't be afraid - you can live the life you want. children adjust and most counselors would agree that it's better for parents to split and not argue, etc. instead of staying to keep things the same, etc.
imagine what you want out of life and reach for it.
i've been single now for 17 months, and i'm ready to rock and roll again. things change - your not stuck no matter what you decide.
love,
dc
queen of the lowtechs!
Oh mama, big hugs to you. To be in this position is painful and confusing. I know its hard. Is there a middle ground between leaving and compromising yourself? I don't think anyone should put themselves on the back burner for a relationship. It's the death of a spirit to not honor your truths, ya know? Is counseling an option? If so, that would be ideal if he was willing to do it. I think these feelings can be worked out if both people are willing to do the work. If counseling is not an option, then you have to take the lead on change. If that is something you can't do or don't feel you need to do, then how can change happen in the relationship? Hal and I hit these emotional ruts in our relationship, too. If you are ready to leave, then your rut has been going on for too long or you are giving up too quickly. Either way, something has got to change, and you know that which is what you are contemplating here. What's going to give? The relationship or you? Either choice - ITS THE RIGHT CHOICE. You will make the right choice for yourself and your family. Your strong, intelligent, and full of love and light to give and open to receiving. I hope the answers come to you clear as day and night and moves you in the direction you need to go.)))))))))))))))HUGS(((((((((((((
It's important for the kids to see you happy. Yeah, NOW I can look at my parents and see that they're somewhat happy, but they had to practically lop their own limbs off to get there. Too much sacrifice, and too long spent hating each other and keeping it together for the kids. I maintain that Mom would have been better off separating or divorcing. Dad would probably be SOL with his MS, but maybe that's why the universe kept them together.
You've been having this stuff go on for a LONG time with C. You're not happy. You've talked about it, tried to get things fixed, and he just isn't cutting it. You DEFINITELY deserve a partner, not another person you have to take care of without feeling taken care of in return. As far as the kids go, I'd say work out a good co-parenting plan, basically. Your boy looks to him as a role model (which can be good and bad) but that doesn't have to change if he moves out.
I'm one who has a tendancy to cut and run so my partner doesn't have the chance to hurt me more. So maybe I'm coming from that place with my take on this. I'll be sad to see you two split, but I think that's where you're at right now and you've been there for a long time.
Is it possible you two could separate, scale things back for a specified period (three to six months) and see if you both want to get back together? Or is it not worth that?
24/MN. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD1.
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.
I currently abhor my husband. I wouldn't walk away from 10 years without taking steps to heal the wounds.
I suggest a break. Call it a separation, vacation...whatever. Then look for a third party to help.
January fucking sucks, the economy fucking sucks, War sucks, bills suck, kids sometimes suck...relationships get caught in the crossfire. Make sure your decisions are not just stress induced.
Vibes mama.
It seems to me that you have made up your mind. Staying together for the kids is no option I think. But I would go to a counsellor as proposed. If it only were to get a clear agreement for the children.
...the lover, the dreamer, and me (Jim Henson)
Unless you think this might be a rough patch you'll both get over. You've been under a lot of stress lately, if there's any chance of working things out, rekindling what you once had; well yeah you should go to a counselor and work on you guys. If not, you should work on you and see a counselor about splitting up.
Have you flat out asked him what he wants for you guys for the future? Sometimes it takes a talk about whether or not to split up to shock you into working on the relationship again.
I don't know about a guide but for me, I decided to stay. That was 7 years ago, husband and I almost divorced in 2002. and made the mistake of telling the kids, that was heartbreaking! They were really torn up about it. So if you decide to split up for good, I'd advise not telling the kids until it's a for sure thing.
What really helped me in deciding to stay was my mom and other people asking me if I had really done all I could to make the marriage work, and if so I could walk away with no resentment, no shame, no sense of failure because I would have truly tried my best. I had to be honest with myself and No, I hadn't done the best I could. and neither had he. When we decided to stay together and each do our part, each own up to all the ish we both did, it cleared up so much of the resentment and pain because instead of being focused on the flaws in the other, we focused on our own selves, you see?
it will be very hard to do, but if you try to look at your relationship like, what can I do to make his/her day better, it will tremendously increase the level of mutual respect and love...falling back in love with my husband was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life, so I have a very soft spot for encouraging couples to stay together. but if either of you go into it begrudgingly, or waiting to see what the other is going to do to make things better before you act better, it probably won't work. You've both got to be willing to work it out with an open mind and heart.
bookstore | daily me
Wherever there is a human being there is an opportunity for kindness. ~Seneca
We almost split up in 2006. I'd already written the check for a deposit on a new place. Man, it was so hard to get US back. But like you mentioned T, it was one of the most beautiful things too.
That's the main reason we told the kids, because we didn't want them freaking out when people were calling me back about my new place. It was a cute little house too, right around the corner from our house. So glad not to have to use it though!
bookstore | daily me
Wherever there is a human being there is an opportunity for kindness. ~Seneca
but someone very close to me is going through something very similar, so I have an idea of how hard a decision this is. It seems like the kid thing makes it so much harder to get clarity about what you truly feel and want, maybe you just have to DO SOMEthing (in one direction of the other) to start to get the clarity you need.
And I second what Mercury says - it will only work if you both actually want it to. You can go through all the couple's therapy you want, but if you're not being honest, if there's not at least some glimmer inside you that actually wants to stay (for you) than it won't work.
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We're both mellowing out with a little time around things, and will try another counselor...I waited on a couple on their 37th anniversary last night and asked what makes it work and they said that as long of one of them is willing to work/try when the other is fed up it evens out. And he is that one right now, so be it, I'll keep on trying.