mamas of older boys - tell me about your "sex" talks

meesh,

i'm glad that you posted about this, i think a lot of mother's want to know how to break the ice with their sons. the title is serious, it can be done. *and most importantly, i think you've done a great job!*.

and from my experience, young men can masterbate anywhere, mostly in the shower, i think!

i started the sex education young in my home, skye was 4-5 when he knew the real deal. i was proud of him because he took a natural interest in sex education, and went to blockbuster on his own and picked out an educational tape. i had broken the news to him probably a year prior.

like your family, nudity wasn't a big deal in our home, but once puberty hit, it was off limits. his body was changing and he wasn't comfortable in a naked house. everyone covered up!

funny enough, even with a man in the house, i still look the lead to educate my son.

masterbation, sex, disease and (mostly) protection has been the main focus for many years now.

i say: start them as young as possible, get age appropriate material, once they start asking questions, you know that they're interested and ready to learn the facts.

at your sons age i would encourage you to sit down and disuss condom's, protection, possibilites and his choices when he's ready to have sex.

when skye was open to hearing it, i always chime in, sex is an open door policy in our house, we can discuss it anytime, anywhere, etc. it's never innapropriate and no question is off limits.

once junior high hits they really need to know everything, because they're subjected to alot of adult material.

once high school hits they need to be armed and ready! the issues of porn, protection and disease came up regularly. you know that when skye left for job corps i handed him a huge box of condoms, and i remind him regularly to think twice, and to always use them, no exceptions.

example: just today i was approached by a few of his friends in the grocery store. once boy in particular is always sweet and shakes my hand, asking how skye is, etc.

i was with mars, and told them: "he's doing great, has a few girlfriends, and i always remind him - be smart son, use protection, use your head - take your vitamin c, your immune system needs it!". they laughed, but they got the message. there were other young men sitting around them. i find myself saying these things to young men because i often wonder if anyone has taught them the value of respecting themselves and loving themselves enough to use a condom, everytime. there's no excuse not too.

AND it helps to have worked in the sex industry for years, i guess. maybe that has nothing to do with it.

i always practice what i preach. i want my son to be safe in this world and grow into his manhood with years of good sex ahead of him. i remind him of that, there's no room for mistakes these days.

i hope this helps.

your friend,

christy X/DC

the ultimate: i can stop traffic production!

but I am big on early education. We started sex ed at 8-9 years old in school. By 11, your son probably already knows a lot, and really needs responsibility and emotional education. Condoms and boundaries. If he hasn't had much sex ed in school (is public education more conservative than in the 80's?), he will be needing anatomy. Masturbation he most likely already knows all about, so maybe let him know it is okay and smarter than sex at his age.

I remember that in 6th grade, kids around me were already having sex.

DSS is now 9, and I started talking about sex with him, while I was pregnant. I wanted him to know what happens. I bought a book (Peter, Ida and Minimum) which we read over and over again. In it a lot is explained in a way he does understand. From January on they had sex ed in school. I am curious what they will talk about then. I am not sure if he feels ready for it.

If your son has a dad available, and/or perhaps older male relatives he can talk to, that would be great. One thing I learned from my husband and talking to men in my family (brothers, cousins) is that puberty was a very lonely and confusing time for them, that they had to muster through it alone with no real help or guidance from the men in their lives and they felt highly uncomfortable discussing the changes happening in their bodies with their mothers. I've tried to be respectful of that and not be all up in my teen son's business - yet being the mama, that's part of my job description, huh. It did kind of irk me at first that he felt more comfortable talking to Mercury Man about this stuff.

The talk: my children have known from wee ages how babies are made, I've always been matter of fact about it and said it in age apropo terms.

I've expressed to my children from very young ages that their body is their own and they are allowed to touch any part of themselves, but touching the genitals is a private act. When your 3 year old son is aimlessly touching himself in the tub or wherever, that is much different than a teenager's act of self-release. Merely broaching the subject caused my teen son to flee the room, and I realized that this is...none of my business. It's his business! You no more have to tell a teen boy about this than you do a duck about swimming.

On dating, I don't allow my teen son to date, because I don't believe at his age (14) and level of maturity he has the self control to think about protection, his impact on another person, their impact on him, etc...the long range consequences of sexual activity. So I do not put him in situations or allow him to be in situations where he would be required to make older teen/adult decisions, such as dating, having a girlfriend, etc. We have tried to stress to him a time and place for everything, and place restrictions on his time and where he can go and who he can talk to and so forth.

I have also talked to my teen son about porn. He may very well end up a typical creeper man fascinated by it, but I have tried to express to him that he has a right to decide for himself what is and what is not sexy; he doesn't have to have other people's ideas on sex foisted and imprinted on him at a young age. I explained to him that if he looked at porn now, it would become so imprinted on his mind at this young age that he would develop a life-long dependence on it, to the point where he could not enjoy sex without playing some porn image over and over in his head. I also explained that if he chose to look at porn as an adult, it would still be there, but for now, it is not appropriate for his age.

a book we like! is The What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys by Lynda Madara & Dane Saavedra. It's illustrated with drawings, and my teen son reads it a lot.

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