my paci sucking teenager- HELP!
Strange that since about Thanksgiving weekend I'm having some really difficult moments and hours my 4.5 year old, following several months of such incredible sweetness between us.
The reason it feels strange to me is that it coincides w/ my feeling overall VERY good at work, in my soul self, and coming back into myself w/ a level of confidence and passion I have not felt for a long time, post divorce etc. And yet w/ him I feel very INcompetent at times because things are not going that well w/ us, and sad too. It's like we're missing each other somehow. I feel a bit less invested, less connected, and I think he does too. This is subtle stuff. But he does a lot of things I find annoying
and not very appealing right now- BOY kinds of things. He wants to play shooting (w/ lego things he makes, never did this b4)
and action guys and loud hard rock air guitar (from his dad) and other obnoxious things like that- and he's very IN YOUR FACE w/ me. Of course his fundamental sweetness and fairness and loveyness is still
totally there, but all of a sudden he seems so much older. Meantime he's still a nut about specific foods, baby clingy at times,and struggling to give up "paci" at night. I present a solstice
holiday ceremony at his school, and in the middle of this homage to spirit and non-materialism he announces to his class: "When I'm a
big boy my dad is going to get me a BIG laser gun at Disneyland." (He said
some other great things too.) HOLD ONTO YOUR LAPTOP: He's also been (GASP) going in his room, closing
the door, telling me he's "resting," and looking at pictures of Ariel
from The LIttle Mermaid while having a big hard on and sort of rubbing himself. DAILY. SO I have this baby/tantrumer w/ his paci who is looking at girly pix. HELP! ANd I feel guilty b/c I am on the computer more and somehow a bit less engaged w/ him lately. Found an old h.s. (now long distance) flame on facebook for one, and TONS of work w/ my job too, whlich I'm not turnign down the the Depression in teh background.
A weird shift happened a couple weeks ago, where he acted like
he was going to kiss me in a romantic way, and then he said he'd seen Daddy
and his gf kiss like that. For a week or 2 he would once in awhile in a playful way try to kiss me like that. ANd i would say mommy's and kids don't kiss that way, tried to explain different kinds of love/affection- he got it and then it became a kind of joke w/ him. The last few times he's come back from his dad's from overnightshe's been SO TOUGH... really fragile at some point the day of return and hasa kind of MASSIVE meltdown, esp on Sundays. There have always been these kinds of transition meltdowns but this is a very trying period w/ them. ANd a lot of obstinant/refusal kind of behavior and attitude w/ me. Of course MUCH of the day
he is sweet and fun, but there are hours where it's like that crazy 2.5 yearold challenging me at EVERY request/turn etc. The sucky part about divorce is that I THINK his dad handles things appropriately re: GF and my son, but I don't KNOW. ANd furthermore, I have so little control. I did ask him if he'd seen more kinds of things than kissing, like Daddy and his gf in bed or even doing other kinds of grown up things and he says no, I don't think so. He's 4!
So tonight I was going over his schedule for the week and I said I was going totalk to Daddy to figure out if there is something we can do to make Sundays easier, since he comes home and seems to feel so upset at some point. The truth is there
is some blame/resentment in my saying this to him- it wallops me when he comes home and is so difficult- sort of erasing or impairing whatever rest I had off. ANd it was his dad who dropped our marriage like a sneeze, refusing to work on himself. So there's some pissedness that leaks out, toward his dad, I know, though I try hard not to. He returns dancing w/ glee w/ dad- totally mellow. Truth is I think he often loves his times w/ dad, and he can't have daddy a lot of the time. So tonight I asked him again does he have an idea why
he gets upset when he comes home? Miss daddy? Mad that mommy wasn't there? etc. And he said
"I think it's because I miss daddy, but I'm not sure." Then he
went ON to say he wants MORE nights w/ daddy, "but NOT more nights w/ Mommy." (THis after years of clearly preferring/needing me...OUCH.)
Then when I asked why he thinks he gets so mad w/ me sometimes w/ me he said, "I
save up all my crankies for you and all my nicies for Daddy, because Daddy's calmer." I have to say this REALLLLLLY pisses me off b/c I feel like I have
contended parentally with SOOOO much more than his dad has, and that his dad was a pathological and abusive w/ me as a husband when he was a baby, that he looks good as a dad because I have given him
SOOO much good spin ((and his dad CAN handle fathering as opposed to a real woman) had GREAT non-reactive discipline so my son could have the best of him, and now he comes off smelling
like a rose and I look like sloppy seconds, w/ my aloneness, my struggles and crankiness w/ him, no boyfriend (could have one, don't like the candidates) It just feel so UNJUST and messed up for me.
I have been a petulant baby at times too, really off base. Like when he had a HUGEfit on Sunday, after about an hour of trying kindly to help him, I said, "YOu
know, I"m going to call Daddy and maybe you can go back there for awhile."
IT was SOOOOO mean. It just feels so unfair that I get all the crap. "NO NO NO Mommy I dn't want to go there!" he wept so sadly and pathetically in the face of my mean insult,
I tried then immediately to repair, repair, own up, repair, be a grown up again. Tonight
when he said all that about preferring his dad I told him "That hurts my feelings when you
say you save all your crankies for me b/c Daddy's calmer" (like I deserveto be punished) and I CRIED and when he then handed me his teddy bear I pushed it aside
and said, "I don't want that." ANd then he hugged me and we
hugged and I pulled it together but it sucked. I felt sooooooo incompetent and like he had to make up for all my hurt, that i was a baby too.
UGH.
Done so much work on myself but am sure at times I am messing up my son w/ my own unmet needs and primitive man crap.
Thanks Mamas.
Peace Out to you.
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MY guess is that he saves his crankies for you because it is safe for him to express his true self around you. Whne my kids used to spend time with their dad, DD16 (who was 7 at the time) would come back being very bossy and angry, and I figured out that she was put int the position of being the mom of the house at the FAX's, so I told her that I am the mom. and I do the mom things, and it's okay for her to be the kid and she doesn't have to do that stuff when she is with me.
So, maybe you can tell your kid that it's okay for him to be himself around you, and you will take care of him, and he doesn't have to be a grown up around you.
Probably your FAX doesn't let him be a little kid--he probably has the expectation that your kid "should" act older, "should" be calm--and that's what he tries to do, KWIM.
Disney Dad--what an asshole.
"...we can't solve global warming because I f---ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective."--President Elect, Barrack Obama
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Okay, I will admit that I am totally biased because I'm also in the position of being the everyday parent, which means I am the discipline and tantrums and errand-running and frazzled to hell parent. It's crappy that your kid's dad is the exciting "fun" parent and that he seems to feed it with appealing to your kid's materialistic side.
It's also crappy that he seems to be instilling values (and experience) that are inconsistent with yours. Even if he is not actively trying to teach your son things that trouble you, your son is always going to be learning by watching his example.
I don't think you are messing your kid up with your issues. I think your kid is having to negotiate two vastly different systems. Tough for both of you for sure. I bet I'll be facing the same as my son starts to spend time with his mama and I am dreading my post that will probably go exactly like yours.
Best wishes!
Hey mama. You are going through some hard times with your boy right now. Max is four, too, and they are just so smart and aware of their surroundings - both physical and emotional surroundings. From what you described here, it actually sounds like you are handling him very well. I know its hard for you, but for the most part you are totally doing right by your boy.
Now, the computer in the room, I totally would never do. I don't care what anyone says. My kids will not have a computer or TV in their room until they have their own home to put it in - then they prolly won't need to squirrel away in a bedroom. I don't think it is normal for a 4.5 year old to look pictures up on line to gain sexual pleasure. Yes, masturbation is totally normal, but the looking up of pictures online in my eyes, is a red flag of some sort. He is old enough to absorb and live/repeat what is going on around him but not old enough to make sense of it all. The masturbating to pics on line makes me very uncomfortable to read. I'm not saying you should accuse his dad or say anything to your son, just saying, my red flag went up.
I want to also assure you that the reason why he melts down in front of you and not his dad, is because YOU ARE THE STRONGER PARENT. He feels safer with you. He feels like he can let it all hang out with you because you don't make him feel bad for having emotions. He won't be able to tell you this, but trust me, its how children operate. You are going through a lot, and he is picking up on that. You will always be the strong one for him, the solid one who didn't walk out or give up, the one he can cry in front of - and that says a lot about how amazing of a mom you are.
HUGS
PS: Don't worry about the materialism in your boy. It comes and goes in all of us. You will have the most positive affect on him, even if he's into stuff that makes you cringe.
Awesome! I'm happy that you clarified instead of chewed me a new asshole! Doesn't that just suck that he is all around great except for his relationship skills? I hate hearing that about men. I almost feel as bad for them as I do for the person who gets burned by their total inability to see they may actually be able to improve their interpersonal relationship skills. Sorry you got burned by a dude like that. At the very least, its really great to hear that parenting-wise he is pulling his weight in loving your child. Good luck, mama. And yeah, being tired really pulls a number on me, too. May we all get solid sleep!
just read both posts. sorry to hear bout tiredness and frustration. glad today is better. i guess boys start early in looking at the opp sex and the touching thing. my nephew plays w/ himself randomly, watching scooby or whatever. he is 4. it must be hard co parenting w/ other parent not in same home. glad you are able to vent here if needed. hope it helps. sending you lots of encouragement!
He comes home from visits all bent out of shape and really, really sad to be back here. Often saying things like "I hate my life" etc. It usually comes down to the fact that over there it is like vacation and here it's like life. You know, chores, healthy food all that fun stuff. A four year old is going to be easily swept up in that. Also, for my son, he gets refined sugar and other stuff he doesn't get here and is in withdrawal by day two back here at home. It also frustrates me, and I also say mean things like "Well, how about just living there instead?" which I don't actually think is all that mean. Nor do I think what you said is mean. You said it from a place of pain because this situation pains you. You don't really need to be better than that 100 percent of the time, right?
I'm also right there with you that the dad is probably a good dad like my son's, but, at least in my case is such a misogynist that he can't do right by a woman. Which feels really unfair on two levels. Why, as a total giver in that relationship did I get the shitty version of my son's dad: Cause I'm a woman. And, why, as a total giver in my relationship with my son do I get the shitty version after my son's dad feeds him less well and spoils him and ships him back all assholian? Cause I'm mom.
I'm sorry you are going through that too. You aren't alone. You aren't doing anything wrong. You talked to your son about this, which is good. I don't think it's about your son being a boy and them always being on the same "team". I think it's about lower standards over there, most likely. A girl also will prefer a vacation-like atmosphere to a home-like one. That will come back to haunt your ex, as there just isn't as much to respect. His true colors shine right through as to his character--it's ok, but not quite where you are, right? Keep talking to your son about how you feel when he does this. I swear that it helps. I don't see how you're messing up your son. I think you allowed him a chance to practice being caring for a person he loves and to see that saving up crankies is unfair. After all, is this what we want our kids, to be all demanding that they get to live like they are on vacation and throw dog shit on their loved ones for not creating a vacation-like atmosphere at home for their entitled asses? Don't beat yourself up.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
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Hey ALl,
Thanks very much for taking the time to respond. Just wanted to clarify- he's not online at all, just looking at a Disney storybook I bought him a year or so ago when he was fascinated w/ The Little Mermaid story. So it's not as "out there" as it may have sounded. And actually, maybe I painted a pic that his dad is "to blame" for how he's acting...but he's actually a loving dad and we are on similar pages re: parenting and exposure to stuff. In fact, his dad chooses NOT to have a computer at his house, while I do and he has gone on to some little kid game sites and stuff on my computer (well monitored). His dad WILL allow slightly more fighting toys etc then me, some hard rock, but we both agree on no guns, only preschool computer games, no PG movies, trying to not go overboard at Christmas and coordinating meaningful gifts etc. WE both read and play with him a lot. Our values on parenting our pretty close- why I married him really. My anger at my ex is more around the fact that he REALLY didn't come through for me as a partner, he is very compartmentalized (nuts w/ women, good dad, decent professional- all in one) and I think M and I both pay for that, esp me at times. But thanks for the assurance that I'm not doing something wrong re: his crankies- I DO believe he feels he has to "keep it togehter" w/ dad, which is a gender parenting issue I Think exists for many (ie Mom's home! Everybody cry!) but even moreso in this case as his dad is NOT good w/ big emotions and I'm sure he senses that. Feel better today. SOmetimes tiredness puts such a negative spin on everything.
Thanks and love to all.