An update and who knows what else...

So, I haven't had time to be around very much. The second year of my program (Chinese medicine) is supposedly the worse, and I guess I can agree with that (though I haven't experienced the 3rd and 4th years yet). I've been having sort of a rough go of it, and I don't know exactly what's going on, but I know a little.

To start, I have to have ds at school from 8 or 9 until 5pm every day. I was able to pick him up at 3pm last year, and while 2 hours might not seem like much, it's a big deal. He notices it more than I do, and I think it's caused him to be upset and sad - as it has caused me to be. On the hours that I am home, I've either got to study or cook or clean, so it's not a big "quality time" experience. I really hope that it's worth it for me to learn this medicine.

The second thing is that I had to get my IUD taken out about 6 months ago cause it was actually inserted incorrectly into my cervix, which we eventually realized when my periods were lasting for 12+ days. My midwife took it out, but my cycles were a little screwed and I ended up getting pregnant - 5 weeks ago I went in for an abortion because I chose school over baby - the result being a feeling of relief, but also grief that hasn't gone away. I would love to have another child, and we do plan on it someday, but I also need to finish this program and with the amount of adrenal fatigue it's already causing, I couldn't imagine a healthy pregnancy, nor could we figure out a way to afford the childcare, since my school doesn't offer that. For some reason, that came up for me today and was a big bummer.

Classes are going pretty well, though this is my "western medicine year," so I've got to learn how to use a stethoscope and bp cuff and do all kinds of MD exams and know allopathic pathology all while memorizing points and herbs and chinese pathology. It's just overwhelming. Most of the teachers are cool, but the guy teaching points is anal retentive and it seems impossible to answer any of the questions correctly or put the dot (we use those office labeling dots to mark the points right now) on the correct place. I feel like I'm too old to be going through the motions of memorizing all of this shit and getting marked off because I was an 1/8th of a dot off the point...blah blah, I could go on forever with this, but it's causing some anger to surface.

Things with dh are going pretty well. He's totally supportive and doing as much as he can, but money is hard and I am not the best person at managing the small amounts of it that I get - so in enters more guilt.

I'm trying to remember to breathe, but it's just hard right now, and today I feel like I need to crawl up in some dark cave somewhere and go to sleep for a couple of weeks if not forever. I don't have that option though, because being by myself is not happening very often and I'm lucky for the 1/2 hour I get here and there.

To top it all off, I found my first grey hair today. Man. That. Sucks.

So, I'm sure there are lots of happy things too, but my attitude is preventing me from seeing and writing about those right now. I will try and check in again when I am in a better mood. I hope you are all doing well. I have 15 minutes or so, so I'm going to check around and see whats going on.

Sending love.