What to do with an obstinate almost 5yo?

Submitted by expat mama on Tue, 10/28/2008 - 7:38pm

Really, she is driving me mad. Normally, I am the positive discipline guru. I rocked my discipline classes, but I am at a loss...
She is pushing every boundary, although we are super consistent. She is screaming at her little sister & really scared her to death yesterday. I get it, she is afraid of the new baby, but damn, this is too much. I've talked with her until I am blue in the face, I make extra alone time with her, DH is super involved, etc.
Is it time for chores, a star chart (of which I am not a fan), what?
Her best friend's birthday is tomorrow & DH thinks she should not go, that her behavior over the last two days is unacceptable. I hate to take that away from her.
Thoughts? Suggestions?

Comments

lost account

Tue, 10/28/2008 - 7:52pm

eh, i wouldn't not let her go. she wouldn't make the connection between not going and her behavior. KWIM? honestly, unless something obvious presents itself to you as being "the problem" and you can help to fix it... just keep being patient and understanding. let her have her meltdowns, keep the boundaries the same as always. maybe she will go to her room 10 times in one day instead of 1, but what-ever the redirection is, its consistent. i'm totally guessing 'cuz she's a year older than my oldest which puts her in a different learning bracket. maybe she needs a different kind of discipline now? i'm interested in other responses, too, because i don't really have experience with age five. all the ages seem SO DIFFERENT!

expat mama

Tue, 10/28/2008 - 9:33pm

her go. I think we need to reboot the system, KWIM? CLearly, she needs more attention for the positive. We may do a simple chore chart that she earns extra stuff for, like to go to the ice cream shop around the corner or something. E is almost 3 & fairly clueless, but S is terrified of the change the baby may bring...she also might be remembering how rough a baby E was. We're going to try to ignore the 'negative' behavior, praise the 'positive' & save the smack-downs for the serious stuff. Wish me luck!

lost account

Wed, 10/29/2008 - 12:29am

I know ya'll will figure it out. and let me know what worked when you do. :) please.

urbanearthmama

Tue, 10/28/2008 - 7:55pm

I think the connection isn't there, it has to be an immediate reaction. This is my two cents. When the action starts, one warning to change the behavoir, next time--time out for 5 minutes( a min per year old.)
I have also taken to making my kids run around the yard (biggish yard) 5 times if they are fighting(after a warning), which works well because they get away from me(so I can calm down) and they get endorphines which makes them laugh. It can be hard to be tough when you feel it might be fear or hurt feelings causing it, but IMO that is an issue to be discussed seperatly, the bad behavoir needs to be addressed immediatly. And no, I never use the term "bad" to them. Hope that helps, my heart goes out to you both.
Mummy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird...

Mummy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird...

expat mama

Tue, 10/28/2008 - 9:48pm

I think she needs it. We have always done time-outs, but she has been bucking them. The first time she can go as long as she needs to & if the behavior continues or is really serious, we use the timer. I like the yard idea.
We have been talking & talking about the baby. I am always honest with her. Yes, there will be change, but there will always be time enough for her. Of course, E has chosen this time to become less 'daddy's girl' & more fixated on me...as I am sure you know, I am stretched thin.
I never tell them they are 'bad', ever. Just that behavior is not ok, or disappointing or that they need to make better choices.
E was a super difficult baby who cried all the time for 7 or 8 months. I think S may be remembering some of that. I'm also a little unsure how to satiate S's need for alone time with me without excluding E, KWIM?
I really feel like it'll be easier once the baby arrives. It is like she has all this anxiety building up to it. Cross your fingers.
How are you BTW?

mnemosyne

Wed, 10/29/2008 - 12:04am

With my son I found that giving him a lot of Physical affection was what he really responded to. Tickling, roughhousing, dancing...it's fun, and gets them at that core kinesthetic level that 'I am loved'.
I would also really crack down, hard and immediately, on the negative behavior, and as unemotionally as possible--don't give it the power.
Chores sound like a great idea, too, to emphasize her ability, as the oldest child. Things that she can be helpful at and feel proud of. Good luck, mama, it sounds like you're really trying, and doing great.