single mama blues
Hi Moms,
Haven't posted in awhile, except re: politics. Hope you are all feeling good this Sat night. I'm lonely and get to feeling discouraged about finding a real man partner. I've dated some good men the past couple years briefly (only a few dates each usually) but I just can't HIT it, and at 44 and a lot of therapy and soulful lifework behind me, I know I WILL KNOW when I do. But I run from work to home to child/family events (only single mama at the preschool w/ my 4.5 year old) and then the weekend rolls around, he goes to dad's, and a sadness strikes. As a single woman I had great women friends, but some of them have gone away, and my son and I have good Family friends but on Sat night that doesn't work. I find that truth be told some of the single mom friends I've made are a lot more bitter or melancholy than I am about their divorces or situations...or just totally avoiding all dating- and so hanging w/ them is a mixed bag (don't mean to bag them, but feels like I'm more middle of the road then they- who are either so wounded they're totally OUT of circulation, or feeling like life has betrayed them b/c they don't have a man- I'm not in either pool). I've never been a bar cruiser- can not and will not. On Match and other sites I met some very eligible bachelors but who seemed DESPERATE and I could not handle that energy w/ a toddler. None of the families at my son's school have started getting divorced (yet, sad but I know there will be more in the future school years)...and since I work alone in my business as a therapist and can't date clients- well I'm purty isolated.
Anyone made headway on this? I should've gone out and campaigned for Barack and also join environmental groups, stuff I care about. I think this would work for meeting people and also if not I'd be doing stuff I care about. Am just tired w/ work/child/household to add more.
IDEAS?
Thanks
M
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I have no advice except to just try to enjoy where you're at? Easier said than done I know. If it's not good to sit when DS goes to Dad's then maybe have something planned in advance so you don't have the opportunity to let the sadness strike? I know with being so busy and tired it probably is exhausting to plan and part of you just wants to sit on Sat night. That's how I feel at least. For now I'm enjoying solitude but I know there will come a time when I'm ready for companionship. I am sorry to hear it's been so frustrating for you. Idea about campaigning sounds fab. You could meet your Barack! 
BTW it's so sad but true what you said about divorce, I guess with over 50% divorce rate you will see more in the years to come from that group. That's my ramble. I am sending you big hugs and lots of encouragement mama.
I am having a bad time when DD goes to her dad too. I feel lonely and isolated. it is probably made worse with only working very, very part time....i need a career to put that energy into as opposed to self-pity. Making art used to help but my motivation has dwindled and i feel lazy and disappointed in myself.
I am, uncharacteristically, afraid to meet people since my last interest broke things off...I hate to feel like i made a mistake leaving dd's father, regret is smothering me and i find myself suddenly overcome and crying, so i am resolving right now to #1. get counseling of some sort or go to some 12-step meetings and #2 to make some awesome friends to do stuff with on fri/saturdays when dd is with her dad.
last night i went to an art opening and felt so awkward that i smoked a ciggarette, which i gave up seven years ago!
You can read about some of my dating escapades in my blog. I'm 40, solo single mom of two teen girls. I run a housecleaning service--so I'm alone most of the day (and my clients tend to be married women, anyway).
I've been single for 9 years, and I've been very bitter (still kinda that way) and have avoided dating. I've also been the pie-in-the-sky girl.
I guess about a year ago, I started going to a neighborhood bar with a single woman friend of mine (who doesn't have kids, but that wasn't a deciding factor in hanging out with her). We both like Metal and have other common interests. I've met other people through her, and have managed to worm my way into the Metal scene. And I have a Metal band and play shows and have misadventures as a result. The main thing is that I let go of the idea of Saturday night being "date night" per se, and have let Saturday night be adventure night. Took me nearly a decade to get to this point, unfortunately. I do go out and do the things that I like (for me, this involves ear plugs and mosh pits). And I get attention, conversation (of varying degrees of interest and plausibility)--I do get hit on, too.
This works for me, right now.
\m/
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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You always come through w/ the spiritually enlightened answer and cyber hugs. Thanks so much! The thing that's hard NOT to bite the bait on is the desperation I see some of my friends get into who are 35+- it's like the drought is coming and we MUST FIND A MAN, b/c after 50 it's impossible- it's such an overfished pond and the ones women want by then can go much younger. IT's a horrible way of looking at human relationships, and I basically refuse, while knowing there is some truth in it. At 44 I am still sought out quite a bit as a slim/fit and conventionally young looking professional woman- but part of THAT even turns me a bit- I could be in a wheelchair in a year (God forbid) or on meds that make me heavy, and no less loveable or wonderful. But that aside, a lot of the women I would like single-mama solidarity with seem either, as I say, SOOO wounded that they have hidden themselves from all men in one way or another, OR kind of desperate- like having the dream of a husband etc is the only REAL dream. Last night I was out w/ a very attractive, smart single mom friend of mine who just turned 50 (mom of a 6 year old- had him late) and I just could've wept when she said, "My other 50 year old friends and I think being 50 is just awful. There is nothing good about it- not a single reason I'd rather be 50 than 40 or 30, I'd so trade what I have at this age for youth." I was SHOCKED. I talked about Eleanor Roosevelt, my mom, lots of women I know who really came into their power after 50, I talked about what a b etter more comfortable, free, compassionate bigger person I feel myself at 44 than even 5 years ago. But she was having none of it, and said "Well for me there's nothing good about getting old. It's terrible." ANd also has the idea that life w/out a man is deeply incomplete. NOW IT REALLY REALLY SUPER DELUCA (as my son would say) would like to find true partnership, but I WOULD NOT trade my life for MANY MANY marriages I see, and am in fact RELIEVED to be on my own compared w/ the drain I see in a lot of relationships, for women. I do also see a few great relationships. I guess the bottom line is I really need some hipmama friends to hang with. I'm too isolated from powerful single moms who think outside the status quo, while keepign their hearts and bodies open to men.
LOVE Mag