Warning...contents under pressure may explode...
Inarticulation has reached critical mass. I have always been so good at holding things together even when I don't hold things together. Pathologically even tempered. Lately though I feel like I am on 24 hour permanent on call status for everyone. I have so much I am responsible for everywhere that I cannot get anything done anywhere. I have reached the proverbial breaking point. One thing on the pile too many. I am a raw and aching nerve. I am irrationally, inexpressably angry and anxious and unable to cope. I know a lot of this is hormone related. The timing is not coincidental - I a bleeding and raging and I am a pathetic disintegrative mess. I think I used to feel this way more often, it's just foreign to me know and I can't process the anger that comes with it, other than to hole up in my room or in a corner and neglect everything I should be doing rather than risk snapping at someone or something. My house is a wreck. There are no clean dishes left. I have to work tomorrow. I can't sleep. My escape the house for the evening plans got cancelled at the last minute. I want to scream and break things or just give up but I know this will all seem trite and silly in the morning or in a day or whenever it stops.
"Good manners and bad breath will get you nowhere" (Elvis Costello)
Bad manners and varying breath:Exponential Detritus For Feeble Minds...
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hello love,
i gotta give you what i got tonight - hang tight baby. things are going to be just fine.
i know what you're going through, i'm not just saying that. we're in the same boat sister, and the challenges can be overwhelming sometimes.
i'm sorry that your plans fell through, i know what this feels like when you're on the brink and you really need to get away, decompress and have fun.
i say: rage it - single parenthood is not a win/loose. it's a win-win. BUT, we have to run the show, so when the time comes and the shit hits the fan - i say: let that motherfucker drop.
who am i?
one lady running the show, and the show is exhausting sometimes. i'm about to leave my job that i hate, and trade it in for something better.
tonight i went to a fun carnival with a good friend of mine and her two daughters. i had a great time, and we stayed for about 5 hours. i bought myself a weird/slightly freaky electric necklace! (you know the one i'm talking about!).
if i put my hair up in an odd slightly offish pony tail, it looks pretty cool all lit up around my neck.
my friend is gearing up to leave her husband, and she's scared. she asked me if i have a "nest egg" and said that if she were in my shoes, she would be shitting bricks right now.
why am i not shitting bricks? i can't. what do i do about my life? i live it. inspite of the challenges, inspite of my lessons that i desperately want to learn, so i can move on.
i'll job search and come out on top.
YOU - will get what you need, clean your house in bits and pieces and when you can OR not. and i love you either way.
we do this because we must, and the flipside is that we aren't living in ridiculous "single parenthood bubble". is there ever a good time to run out of money? leave a job? pack up and move to tahiti? is there a right way to clean your house? be overwhelmed? fight the good fight?
i think so = and until i figure it all out, and what serves me best, i'll do the best i can.
with everything. just like you are, right now.
forgive yourself - and keep going. there is nothing wrong with how you feel - or what is going on in your life. you just are. like everyone else.
i love you-thank you for posting this blog.
forever - your friend, code name: cassiopeia
I am so sorry. I can totally identify. Some people ask me "How do you do it?" and I say "I juggle. And sometimes I drop all the balls." It's OK that you're not getting above and beyond what you can do done. It's not OK that you are at your breaking point. I hope you get some relief and peace.
Sunflower the unflower
Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky
Sunflower the unflower
All I can offer is HUGS mama. May you find some peace.
http://cooksewbitchy.blogspot.com/
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