Trying to get past this... I'm behaving like a two year old, really
Okay, for the past few weeks, dh and I have been discussing trying to have another baby. As you may recall, last year I lost twins at 13 weeks and it was a very bad situation. I lost a ton of blood and actually went unconscious and was hospitalized because of the miscarriage, which is pretty rare. That being said, I gave dh two weeks to think it over and after dinner last night, we discussed his decision. He said that as much as he would love to have another baby in the house, there is no way in his mind and heart that he can agree to possibly go through what we went through. In his defense, what he saw was horrific, I'll spare everyone the details and he is terrified of going through that again.
So, my issue is this: I so want another baby it hurts inside. Not to replace the ones I lost, that is not possible, but because I'm ready to be a mama for the third time. I am really sad about this but I also do not want to have another baby if dh is not fully on board. That just leads to nasty things down the road for everyone involved. So, I am pouting like a two year old over this one. I explained this to dh and he understands and is giving me my space to digest all of this.
I guess one of the hard things for me is regret and guilt. Because Ava and Lily are so close in age, I feel like I really missed out on enjoying them as babies. I was consumed by keeping my head above water and I feel like that is my real issue. Oh, I could punish myself over "ifs" but I know that will not help me any.
We've looked into adoption but it is not in our financial budget at all...the legal fees alone are outrageous. So, I know I will get past this, deal with reality, but I just needed to get it out. If you've read this far, a huge thank you.
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I so get this. As you know, we've been trying for a third but so far it's just not happening(only 2 months of trying but still). It's really been messing with my mind. I had always wanted 3-5 kids, only knowing after each one how many i'd want. Trying for this third one after miscarrying in April has brought on so many emotions and doubts about another one.
We went on vacation last week and it was so easy. The kids were at the age where they could play on the beach by themselves and still swim with supervision. It was great! I didn't have to lug around a ton of baby stuff or worry about naptime. DH and i talked about if we just stopped trying and just had the two. Last week, it looked good. REally good.
But now that i'm back to reality, i'm having the same yearning baby thoughts as you. I never really got to enjoy just one. With V, i was just learning and was pregnant again by the time she was 8 months. It's taken a long time to figure out the two of them together not to add L's autism on top of that. I would just really like another baby now that i'm a pro, if i do say so myself! I could be much calmer and i'd love to see the two of them with a baby sibling.
Anyway....I don't know where we are. I really don't want to go through the pain of a miscarriage again but i know that now's the time i have to try if we want another one. I hate trying like this too because of all the doubts it's giving us. Things are good, getting back to normal so why mess with it?
i'm rambling and this probably doesn't make much sense or even help you that much. I'm sorry your DH isn't on board but it's nice that you respect that and don't force the situation. Maybe he'll come around now that the bug's been put in his ear. I'm sure he's also looking out for you after what happened last year. Sending some love and vibes your way, my sweet friend.
On a completely different note, V started full day kindergarten today so thoughts of another one have been in and out of my head all day.
I too, really understand how you feel. My boys are very close in age and I want another baby. I want to wait until they are a little older so I can enjoy the babyness! My heart goes out to you and your frustrations will work themselves out. BTW- both of my boys are adopted and it is affordable. If you want to talk about adoption options off list, you can email me privately any time and I would be glad to fill you in on some things (thegypsybard@yahoo.com)
Happiness is being a Doula!
Happiness is being a Doula!
The baby-calling is a pretty strong one. I understand what you mean about missing out on babyhood - I'm in the thick of keeping my head above water right now, and even so, a third doesn't sound so crazy (though I am sworn to only having two).
I wonder if the miscarriage is the WHOLE story for dh? If so I wonder if some couple's therapy is in order - not to discuss your whole entire relationship, but just a few sessions to discuss the miscarriage, his fear of loosing you, a third baby etc. . . If it really is the trauma of loosing you (and the babies) that is guiding his decision about having a third, therapy might help him integrate and move beyond the miscarriage trauma. Maybe you've already done this . . .
Anyway its just a thought, I know it's a huge issue, and I know there might be a lot more to it, and I think you are totally valid to feel the loss of it all - both the twins and the possibility of a third baby.
I wish you the very best with this, and no matter what, I always love hearing about your girls!
Thank you for your support, Wildraven, I really appreciate it. You are in the thick of it, but I promise, having them so close is worth all the struggle. 
Keep your head above water and don't expect too much of yourself!
You must live, not simply exist.
I just wanted to send hugs and good vibes your way. I lost twins last year also, the second one was at 13 1/2 weeks, so this hit close to home. I'm sorry that you and your husband aren't on the same page about this, maybe he'll come around? Maybe talking to your doctor or midwife about trying again would make your husband feel more comfortable with the idea?
I don't know you all that well, but I don't think you are acting silly or selfish or any of that. This is so hard for you, I can tell. Let yourself grieve this too. Keep writing, if it helps, keep feeling.
And I know you're not looking for advice, so feel free to ignore or tell me to go jump, cos really I don't know all the specifics and nuances of your relationship with dh, etc. But maybe more time will help. I know when my husband mentioned being ready to get pregnant it took me months of slowly processing before I was ready to agree. Granted-- totally different circumstances, as I had not been through what you both have been through. But people what their own natural time and maybe not enough time has passed for your dh to "come around." I like Wildraven's idea of therapy too...
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
hi babe!
i want to give you some love and support right now! of course it's saturday, i'm replying late, and i'm sorry!
i'm at work (surprise!), and i'm typing in the dark, seattle wants it this way because this city isn't always planning on having 90 degree weather! it's beautiful here, and i'm thinking of you.
the nit and grit -
first off - i know how badly you're hurting, i wouldn't normally make a blanket statement like that. but we've been friends for years, and i've been through similar pain/situations.
seconds - you're absolutely right. you want to avoid getting into a situation where you get pregnant and your man isn't backing it 100%. that's not to say that he wouldn't represent, because he would/could. but we all know what happens when men are forced to confront something at a heart level that they don't want. for whatever reason. especially having children, i think this can destroy/chip away at the core of even the best/most solid relationships.
thirds - the miscarriage was a serious situation for everyone. both of you are devestated, and it could easily take a few more years to iron out and heal from this pain/loss. give yourself time.
fourths -
what happened in my past - and i want to stress, that this was a long time ago - i've moved on since.
i really wanted another baby for YEARS with my ex. he didn't, he was content with it just being the 3 of us. and that was that. i pushed and we argued for years about this. (it was such a difference in opinion that we should have/could have ended the relationship at that point). i ended up having 4 abortions in this marriage, and one misscarriage. my last abortion was march of 08.
this reaked havoc on us, and it was probably the nail in the coffin. i can honestly say that reproductive opionions either need to be settled or you need to walk out. that's a hardcore thing to say, but this was 14 year relationship! things could have been handled better on both sides.
bottom line -
i got pregnant with mars in 01'and was adamant about keeping her, i really wanted my daughter. he was cool with this, and loves her dearly. but, our marriage couldn't withstand the push and pull, and we needed to split anyways. what i'm saying here is that it didn't even come down to "getting what i wanted". truth is truth.
this is not a dead end sad story - at all! i have a good life, and so do my kids.
i have debated even now whether or not i would have another child with the right man. would i do it again? my eggs are good! i'm still not sure, but all these years later, i can honestly say that feeling's change, and that's a good thing. a few months ago, i would have said yes! now, i don't think so.
my life has changed drastically, for the good. with that has come new feeling's and i like where i'm at right now with skye out of the house as a young man, and mars 7 years old, living with me.
plus my movie career is taking off - finally - i go to my first movie class this afternoon.
i did the right thing for myself everytime, i've had a few regrets, but i lived my truth.
you'll figure this thing out - you need more time to heal. take it and do what you need to do with it.
you've got a good man, and in my heart i believe, that if he doesn't want to do it, he has legitimate reasons.
and so do you - it's not a "who's right/wrong" situation. it needs to be mutual on some level to set it off and make it work/right for everyone.
including the 2 kids that you already have.
i hope i'm coming across as supportive! these issues are so tricky and hard to discuss.
i like what everyone said here - it's a reflection of how unique we all are. especially when it comes to birthing, parenting, etc.
send love to yourself holly - surround yourself with light, you can heal your heart, forgive and move past this.
i love you - just christy.
the asian le femme nikita with an open heart chakra! *whew!*
mostly because it's not one sided - and the feeling's run high. the intensity of wanting another baby can feel overwhelming sometimes, i understand this.
it's not just desire, it's biological, it's love, it's physical, it's everything rolled into one.
i think it's great that the two of you can talk about it, for some couples it's complete silence, and one person is hostile/upset about it, or it's a raging ongoing despute/argument. in my case it was an all out war.
in terms of feeling that you didn't get to enjoy the girls growing up, i can relate to that.
i think a lot of mother's can agree, that we live under a certain amount of pressure, and "do".
i was 17 when i had skye, and hustled for years. after having mars at 28, it was a completely different experience. i had more time, a partner and i was a stay at home mom for 4 years.
i went through a time where i felt guilty that it was all "go" with skye, and not that way with mars. it kind of drifted off my back when i went to work and things came to hault with my ex.
it doesn't matter now, but at any rate, this is what i felt like in the past.
present tense - i know that i continue to do the best i can for myself and kids, non-stop everyday. i still temporarily hustle as a single parent, but that's changing.
mars and i have settled into living together just the two of us, and i finally feel like i have the one on one time with her that she's always needed, and she's 7! i think that says a lot.
you have courage to talk about how you feel holly, you've done a great job at keeping your heart open inspite of loss, and you've been true to yourself, every step of the way.
even if you and your husband can't come to an immediate conclusion about this, believe this:
you're right to feel the way you do, it's not wrong to want another baby for any reason.
love,
dc
the asian le femme nikita with an open heart chakra! *whew!*
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First, Congrats on having a kindergartener! How exciting. You must post some pics of the big girl.
Thanks so much for writing this--we seem to be at the same place right now and it really made me feel less crazy and alone. You are such a good friend, K, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
You must live, not simply exist.