How guava got her groove back.

First of all, let me apologize for being so AWOL this summer. We just got back from a nice long working vacation in the Pacific Northwest at DH's family cabin and I am SO SAD to be here! It was so nice to be in a climate where you can actually go outside - during the day - in the summertime - and be active without wilting from heat or humidity. Here in So Cal we've been living inside a dark house with the blinds drawn and the air on for months now. Like lizards in the desert. I love summer, and to me this is so depressing.

But anyway. I hit this point when ds1 was about 18 months, and now with the little one almost 15 months, I'm heading there again. That point where I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, the possibility of having some tiny slivers of time in which to recapture some of myself. The pre-baby, pre-mama self. Remember her?

Up at the cabin we are right on a pebble beach. It's salt water and DH's uncle lets us rent his boat. Even with two little boys under the age of 4, you can still walk out the door on a whim, grab a diaper bag and some PB&J sandwiches and go for a three hour cruise. The kids actually fall asleep on the boat. I can strip down and jump into the water wherever I want. The water is cold but it felt great. It woke me up and made me feel alive.

In the years since I have known DH, this place has become a sort of refuge for me, but this year there were other, yummy distractions as well. Delicious things kept coming out of the water. Like Dungeness crabs and salmon. Like the new hottie boys who moved in on the other side of the cove. One of them, in particular, was just my type: tall, dark and punked-out, with crooked teeth and a scruffy Mohawk. I was good, I behaved. Even though he was kind of flirty. I just lusted after him. I had forgotten how long it has been since I lusted after anyone like that. Nothing happened except that it felt great to feel sexy again, and cool.

Since I've been back it has been really hard to adjust to my daily routine and boring life again. DH and I fight, I work, I make dinner, I dress my kids, I feed my kids, I do laundry. There is only one thing that I have taken back with me, and it's this memory... I went water-skiing while I was up there - something I have not done in about five years. I was doing great and showing off when I wiped out. Perfectionist me was all bummed out that I ate it with hottie boy watching me in the boat. But when I climbed back in, embarrassed, he was all excited that I skied, and said, "If you don't fall, you didn't try."

I keep thinking about this, now that I am home. It's too easy for me to make excuses and succumb to inertia. It's also too easy for me to defeat myself before I even try. Yesterday I dragged the whole family to the beach. I dragged my surfboard onto the sand and put on my wetsuit. I took a step into the water. And I got stung by a bee right on my toe, got an allergic reaction and now I am in bed with a fever.

But if I don't fall, I didn't try.