relationship advice? oh man, that was weird.
So, I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months. It's awesome, right, we're doing really well, we're in love, yadi yadi yadi...yesterday was a bad day though. I went to pick him up from a bus stop really hung over and looked at him in the car and for a split second I wanted to break it off...but I can't say why and I didn't say anything to him I just freaked myself out and then right away realized how silly I was being and how much I am in love with him. we had a good afternoon and I told him what I had thought-dumb. It really hurt his feelings (duh-I think the brainy should be removed from my name now) and we talked about it but, man, I hated to have hurt his feelings in such a fucking dumb way. I have historically been a vindictive little bitch to everyone I've been in a relationship with, challenging them to show me the love I feel like I deserve, and often enjoying watching them squirm or hurt. Up until this point I have not had the desire to do this to him. He shows me the love I deserve and it's way better. but I think yesterday I reverted to my bullshit. fuck. then we went out to a bar together - that being only the second time I have ever gone to a bar 'with' someone...apparently I was flirting, a lot, and it hurt his feelings (again-i'm such a fucking winner) to the point that he took off while I was talking to an old friend of mine...the bouncer, who kicked my man out of the bouncer's corner on the patio because no one is supposed to drink or smoke there but let me stay and drink/smoke with him in the corner...apparently the thing to do would have been to go with my man? so after he got back he was watching me play pool with another friend (a dude-most of my friends are dudes) i didn't know he was back-then some girl was hitting on him i guess and he was like oh, man, sorry, I'm here with my old lady-that one over there and when he pointed me out I was hugging (but according to him-my friend was not hugging me like a 'friend') my friend after our pool game and then took off with my man. He was PISSED at me, like, threatening to sleep on the couch butt hurt. I feel like an ass, really. but maybe I shouldn't? I just don't know how to deal with this jealousy thing, I've been single for a long time and I guess I have to adjust my behavior? to top it off, he took off this morning to go hang out with his ex, which I am not happy about at all...not. at. all. i'm cool with them being friends, of course, we've all been friends for a long time but they were one of those couples who had become like one-name...because they were together for such a very long time and always together...so it's weird for me to think of them being together right now. jealousy is a bitch, i'm not sure how to fix the hurt I gave him, as much as I want to, and I fully plan on spending the rest of my life with this man...I just don't know how.
"If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in our hair." ~ David Sedaris
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See, my man calls up his ex every time he's pissed at me, and that just used to pissmethemuthafuck off! OMG, it would enrage me! Then I figured something out.
He calls her to remember why being with me is so much better. Why he couldn't stand being with her anymore.
But your man's ex lives out of town now, right? Did he already have plans with her?
What you said was kind of a bonehead thing to say... Was it that - when you went to pick him up all hung over, you were thinking ewww, this man seems like a DRUNK, am I picking up the pieces and enabling this? Not insinuating that he is; but I've had passing thoughts like that about people that aren't actually drunks, but when they need help dealing with their party, I start keeping tabs, kwim? The flirting thing... yeah, you should be able to flirt a little. A little. But keep track of another man's hands when they are on you. You don't really notice that slow slide from your shoulder to the small of your back when you're a single lady. When you feel that migration, I step back and pat their shoulder. Maybe wink and call them a naughty boy then go away.
It's an adjustment, the boundaries need to be clear. When I was single I was a lot free-er with my hugs and where I would let my "friends" put their hands on me. I would kiss pretty much everyone I knew on the cheek to say hello. It bugs DH though so I stopped. It took a while to get used to not doing that though. And, I think as my friends and I are transitioning out of our 20's, we're less affectionate physically in general so it's not really an issue.
Sounds like you and your man have some talking to do... Ask him what it is specifically that he's mad at you for and don't rip it apart if it's reasonable, just talk about it and talk about what you're comfortable with, what he's comfortable with. Obviously if he says he never wants to see you hugging another man, he needs a reality check, but other guys should not be stroking a drunken you in a bar, you know?
When I was single on and off, I definitely acted different when I went to bars alone or with friends and with my partner. At this point, I generally make sure that I am consistent about my behavior with and without my partner. If I am chatting with some guy (or girl, which would be more likely), friend or not, I often check in with my partner just so he knows that I know he is watching just by making eye contact with him. It seems respectful to me cause I know in my heart that he can get jealous, but I also think it's sweet cause it reminds me how much he loves me. My partner knows that I am going to do whatever I want pretty much no matter what, so I like to give him the respect he deserves in the relationship. Does that make sense?
Anyhow, that is just one way I have adjusted my behavior because I have a partner. You might want to look at your situation and think about it at least. Also be aware of how or if he has adjusted his behavior on his end to be with you.
Good luck!
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"Was it that - when you went to pick him up all hung over, you were thinking ewww, this man seems like a DRUNK, am I picking up the pieces and enabling this? Not insinuating that he is; but I've had passing thoughts like that about people that aren't actually drunks, but when they need help dealing with their party, I start keeping tabs, kwim?"
oh if only, but I was the one what was hung over
...
good point about the migrating hands going unnoticed when you're single...I should keep an eye on that for sure
and also, yes, the ex lives out of town but close, he lives far away from me and her and I have to share his time in the area with his friends, which is fine, but after the whole anger thing and me feeling like shit she has forgiven him but not me, kwim?