Plan B makes me sad
My husband and I are trying to save our marriage yet again...I'm sure you guys are supertired of hearing about all this bullshit, because I know I'm tired of dealing with it, so I won't go too far into it. He's started counseling (we'll go as a couple once he's worked through some of his personal issues first) and we've both stopped drinking and smoking and we're beginning to work on communicating...blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, the last couple of weeks I've been really twidderpaited by his new-found ability to stop acting like a child and start acting like a man, and so last night we sort of got caught up in the moment and had unprotected sex. It was awesome, except for the whole guilt thing afterward. He went and picked up some Plan B for me this morning, and I took my first pill. And I feel supersad. Part of it is because in a perfect world I would really like to consider the possibility of having another baby. And it depresses me/pisses me off that, for us, a "good" time to have a baby will probably never come due to our rocky relationship/financial issues/lack of practical stability, so I'll won't have the opportunity to experience that joy of discovering I'm pregnant without it being accompanied by an immensely overwhelming anxiety and fear of our family "not being ready". Also, I've been wicked depressed lately just in general (I'm trying my damnedest to stay off meds though), but today it just feels way more intense. I'm wondering if maybe the heavier wave of depression today is due to the hormones from the pill? Or am I just being a weirdo for mourning some non-existent pregnancy?
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I'd say a little of both. I get sad EVERY time I have my period and it's stupid because it's a horrible time for us to have a baby. I blame biology.
I am sorry you are going through this, lots of *vibes* and hugs mama.
I am swisterland...switzerland? fuck it, I am swiss.
You have every right to morn the "what if?". It shows what an amazing mama you are to the wee ones that you already have. Sending you support for the depression too. I've been there with you and don't like the meds either. (((((((HUGS)))))))
I become insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. - Edgar Allan Poe
I become insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. - Edgar Allan Poe
I totally just had to take the Plan B plunge a couple days ago, as well. we were also having a really good emotionally intimate spurt and said "to hell with it." then the realization in the morning that, "damn, right now is not a good time for that." and the wondering..."will there EVER be a good time?"
EFF YEAH, Plan B makes me effing crazy. I can't take the pill, i'm too sensitive to the hormones, so you can imagine, plan b, being jam-packed with hormonal goodness will make a bitch go mad. it will pass. I JUST got over my screaming, crying, laying-on-the-couch-in-my-pajamas-all-day phase. It's okay to feel depressed and to mourn. I reasoned with myself the fact that, hey, Plan B is a hell of a lot cheaper than an abortion and well worth not having to go through that "overwhelming anxiety and fear." Yeah, EC sucks, but it's better than the alternatives!
also, I just came off meds, too, and am trying my damnedest to stay off. also, SO and I quit smoking recently. wow, we should spirit-bond or something!
sorry to high-jack the post. Take good care of yourself.
"revolution is not a one time event" Audre Lorde
"revolution is not a one time event" Audre Lorde
is so kick-ass, and I hope that your friends and families are being so supportive of you. The fact that you both got totally overwhelmed with each other sounds like you did a really good job of rekindling that fire, and that's exactly what you were going for, so good job for the both of you! That is hard work, and I hope that you are both proud of each other for that work. Relationships are the hardest thing that people can ever do.
I think that our relationships, with our partners, our friends, our kids, etc... are just ways for us to practice relating to the world, and so when we can succeed in them (in whatever capacity that succeeding is to us), it makes it easier for us to succeed in the world.
Secondly, you don't know that a good time to have a baby will never come, and the only good excuse I see that you've listed is "rocky relationship," as the rest of those really shouldn't stop you -- since, you can raise a child without a whole lotta money, all you really need is love, and I'm not sure what practical stability means, but I think you're probably pretty damned fun, and that's just all around more important. Maybe you could take all this energy that you're using to concentrate on how you won't be able to have a kid, and put it towards concentrating on the love that you've got inside right now, and how fun and beautiful you are, and how strong and amazing you are...and that will just all around make you feel better, as it should, because you are worth feeling better.
I can't take regular birth control (I had a heart attack from it when I was 20). As for Plan B, I've taken that about 50 times, and I don't remember any depression, so I'd have to say that it's probably coming from this lack of faith in yourself, and your relationship, and your ability to have another child. I think this lack of faith is completely and absolutely unwarranted, as, once again, you are a kick-ass person, and a strong and wonderful woman, and all of these things will work out.
Our imaginations are the most powerful things that we have. We constantly tell our children how important their imaginations are, but I don't see a lot of adults working on their own. So, maybe a little imagination would really help the situation here. Can you imagine your marriage as you'd like it to be -- you know, every night before bed, just imagine that. If that includes another child, or more money, or whatever it is that you KNOW will make you happier, just imagine that. I think the world is magic, and I swear that it will come true.
"Fundamentally the markswoman aims at herself" DT Suzuki
"Fundamentally the markswoman aims at herself" DT Suzuki
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Thanks for understanding. I feel silly/selfish wanting a baby, but I just can't help daydreaming. And I think you're right about the biology thing. I was watching a show on PBS (or something) a few years ago that said there is component in the scent of a baby's skin that a mother becomes addicted to, but the scent fades once your kid is like 3 or 4, and therefore you want to have another baby to get your skin-scent fix again, and thus biology has created in us a way to ensure we continually reproduce. It's quite possibly a bunch of hog-wash, but the theory makes me feel just a little less guilty.