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lazy ass sahdSubmitted by mnemosyne on Wed, 06/18/2008 - 5:17pm.
What do I do with this? I tell him very specifically, "we're going out of town on Thursday. I"m overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. I'm working A LOT. We only have one car, so we really need to combine errands to get everything done. I need you to: 1. Put the wash into the dryer 2. Pick up printer paper while you're on that side of town 3. Draft the letter to the judge so your license isn't suspended 4. Map out our route and make a list of groceries, etc. for me to pick up. 5. Maintain the house. I'm not asking for the overflowing bathroom garbage to be taken out, just maintain the housework I did on Sunday. Pick up dirty socks. Do your dishes. That kind of thing. I get home and my house is trashed. He had a dinner party. He spent the grocery money on wine (oh, but there's none left). I got a cup of soup standing up for dinner and am coming home to a filthy kitchen, stuff everywhere....and NOTHING that I asked him to do was done, which I had asked for specific reasons and now there's a domino effect; I don't have printer paper so I can't do my work this morning, which means I'll have to go to the store late tonight (thanks!) and delay our trip to do fucking business. And the kicker is, he's pissed at me! Apparently, it's all he can do to 'nurture the baby' and asking for any multi=tasking/help is outrageous on my part. He does take good care of the toddler, no doubt. What it means though is that when it's my time with the baby I'm catching up on all the shit that he couldn't deign to do. It's about respect. We had the mister at home for a while too... and for a while I felt like I had EXTRA to do when he was; aside from the fact that I didn't have to drop off or pick up the bug and it took a couple hours off my stressful commute - and the kid was calmer, saner, etc. It was awesome having him at home. It really was. But, there were those days that I walked in and had to clean house, take care of both of them because the house was a pit. So... Ground rules. What bugged me the most was the kitchen mess. And not having dinner made/the kid dirty/them still in their jammies. So we talked about it, and he started making sure that they changed into daytime clothes at some point, the dishes were washed and dinner was at least started when I came home. Then I was calmer, I would have time to stop at the store on the way home. It was chill. I could come in and swoop up the kid and cuddle him while hanging out in the kitchen while my man cooked. Even toddlers can help clean up. And cook. We never had the issue of anyone throwing a party while the other was at work - that would straight up piss me off. I think it would bug the mister too. A person who doesn't have an outside job should, at the very least, be cleaning up the house daily. It doesn't take that long. Babies nap, and bigger kids like to play alone from time to time. Pop in a movie, get them interested in coloring, something. You know? I'm the breadwinner too, and it really chaps my hide when I come home & have to start job #2 (housework/baby) the second I walk in the door after a long day, so that he can have a break. DUDE WHAT ABOUT MY BREAK??? I feel you and wish I had a good solution. What does help me though is to focus on that one thing you said in passing "he does take good care of the toddler, no doubt." So many of my working lady friends are force to shuttle their kids off to folks they barely know. Is anything in the world really more important to me than my little gremlin being cared for during the day properly by someone who loves her as I do and really has her best interest at heart? Hope things settle for you soon. the upnote: you've continued to try to communicate with him. making a list, telling him what you need, and the most important thing: you've been fair about this. none of your requests have been outrageous or demanding. you're asking him to pull off what he's agreed to do. take care of your child and take care of the house. the boner: i would be pissed too to come home to a dinner party mess, and a lame excuse. that shit starts to build up and it's not fair when it cuts in on your time with your baby. what would i do? what did i do in this situation when i was married? i got fed up, literally accepted that i would end up doing most of the work, and let him pitch in on his own terms and do shit his way. my ex was okay with a pigsty, i wasn't. he would do minimal cleaning, BUT when he did it, i think he did a good job. my next round: seriously, and i'm dead scorpio serious about this - the next man i live with, we'll hire a maid to do the bulk of the work. hang tight - you're not alone. do what you can, and leave the rest up to him. it's almost like whether he does it or not, it's truly his responsibility because he's at home. it's frustrating, i know. we love you - hearts friend, dc a seeker, a dreamer, a channeler and a part time destroyer! we've been doing some counseling and our deepest epiphany from that is that if we spent the money we're spending on counseling on a babysitter and a housecleaner we'd be a lot better off! what else could you do? I don't know honey. My mans the same same way. A good, kind, caring, loving, sexy, funny man, but he would have so done this. When he was a SAHD, I would come home and clean and get up with the kids in the night. I don't understand. But in all fairness, he could care less if he came home now that hes the breadwinner to a sty, so I don't even get points for being the tidy organized homemaker. He just thinks of himself as enlightened because it doesn't bother him, and I should work on my obessive need for order. They say women are better multi taskers, but I think its because we give a damn. I think women are more or less concerned with the whole of their family at all moments, and men are programmed to be on their own agenda that may incorperate their family when its convienent. We fought alot back then. It did no good. I would honestly have better luck explaining to Miho that he shouldn't grab his nutsack when I change a poopy diaper. My mans a smoker, and he drinks every night and when he has a few beers he spends all night practicaly chain smoking cigarettes. It amazes me he can stand out there and it never occurs to him to pick stuff up that he leaves lying all over the yard, or that he could be inside helping me so i can have some free time. If I were to tell him about the mess in the yard, he will get all pissy and defensive and I'll end up feeling like I did something wrong. Like I said hes good, kind, caring, loving and sexy but sometimes, this ruins all of it. I feel your pain. "He just thinks of himself as enlightened because it doesn't bother him, and I should work on my obessive need for order." |
..when I know why I'm single. I have zero tolerance.
I don't see it worth it to bother with that bullshit. You've explained your side, you have established ground rules, things that really need to be done for your sanity and stability. And he's disrespecting it. I don't know the circumstances surrounding this dinner party, but the irresponsibility with grocery money--GROCERY money, food for the family--that's just...inconcievable to me. Not only did he NOT do what you asked him to, it's like he blatantly did the opposite.
You mentioned it in a reply, though--you mentioned something that could be a viable solution, or at least something to try for a few months. Housekeeper + babysitter - counselling = Happier Family. Maybe.
Other than that, if I were in your shoes...damn. I don't know. I'd probably play the martyr and hate it. Then I'd weigh whether I'd rather have a second parent around for stability's sake or boot 'im because he's a drain on you. More trouble than he's worth. *sigh*
Again. This is why I am single. And after reading your post...I mind it less, I think.
24/MN. Queer, veg, AP mama to DD1.