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News from Monarda-landSubmitted by Monarda on Wed, 05/14/2008 - 3:40pm.
A little over a year ago, those of you who were here may recall that Lucy joined my little family. Her birth was attended by the most caring and solicitous team of health care workers and everything about it was the opposite of our first birth experience, which was horrendous. At around the same time, my dad had open heart surgery. Serious but not emergency; he'd had one 25 years before, and he was in great shape, so while we were concerned, we weren't SCARED. A few weeks later, after turning the corner in his cardiac rehab and starting to feel better, he tried to carry a step stool down a flight of steep stairs and fell. He landed on his head at the bottom of the stairs. At first, we thought he would recover--need intense rehab, but recover. Instead, he died 6 days later. This year, this time of year is hard for me. I adored my dad and felt like the world was a safer, kinder, more joyful place with him in it. I lived with the unarticulated comfort of the IDEA of him barreling through life, literally with a spring in his step. He was a happy guy with things to do, things on his "list", big things like preserving wetlands or making health care more accessible. He was flawed, of course, but he was a wonderful dad and human being. I am having a hard time believing it's been almost a year without him. That's in the background all the time for me. In the foreground are these: DS potty training. He is 3.5 years old and has, up to now, been completely disinterested. hallelujah, mamas, he's going on 5 days straight with no accidents!!! It has involved mama flushing wipes down the toilet after a poopy accident (don't do this, your toilet will overflow and your 12 month old baby will splash around in the water as you try to clean it up resulting in the need for a bath all while DH is out of town), LOTS of underwear-changing, several mad dashes to the Target bathroom (with full cart and baby and giant purse, grab baby and purse, leave cart in hall, run with baby, bag, and kid, get in stall, help with snap, frantically try to prevent baby from continuing to stick hands in toilet while DS stands there and says, "Maybe I don't, mom." False Alarm!), and unbelievable heights of bribery ( M & M's is just the beginning), but we are victorious. The reduced diaper bill is warmly welcome. The newfound independence is refreshing. Watching the last little scrap of "baby" fade away in my sweet boy is tinged with sadness. Lucy, polar opposite of DS. For all his caution, she is reckless. For all his clumsiness, she is a chillingly skilled climber. For all his good, long, sleep, she is easily awakened and up at 6 every morning. Last night, she walked. She's been cruising ledges and furniture and cat backs and door handles for weeks, but last night, peg-legged, arms flailing, abruptly lurching down on all fours once or twice, she wobbled over to me across the vast rug of the living room. I can't stop watching her herky-jerky steps with wonder. Where has the year gone? My work life has completely changed. Where there was resentment and exhaustion, there is reason and pacing. No, I didn't quit my job. Ironically, I took a promotion, and somehow, it made life easier. I don't know if it's because my boss views me differently, or I view myself differently...probably both...but a year ago I thought I was going to quit, and now I am really content. it's not without its struggles, and I'd still rather be home with my kids. That said, it's better. Much better. At this moment, I'm sending you mamas some love. The ones I don't know well and sometimes have a hard time keeping straight (numbers in screen names always throw me for a loop!), and the old-timers who are still here blogging away. Hope your day is sunny and your world at peace. "Some losses are hard to bear and it is a luck if we have losses of that quality." six months ago this would have rung empty for me, but I am inching that direction. I know I'm lucky. It's starting to balance out just a little bit. Not on here much--the days are just not long enough-- but thanks so much for the update. It seems like just yesterday that you had Lucy! Geez. Good luck with the potty training. And peace and love to you, mama from the bottom of my heart. My internet pooped out yesterday before I had a chance to send my cyber love your way. Plus, you know, our kids are the same ages and my little herky-jerker doesn't let mama on the computer without *help* This was a beautiful post to read. 11 years ago I lost my dad and I still have a hard time around the same time every year. Mucho hugs and vibes and love to your right now mama. Yay for potty training and walking. i wanted to say more but both kids are screaming so I've gotta go! *hugs* lm
much love back to you monarda. So quiet down cobwebs, Dust go to sleep! fun to read. I'm sorry this is a hard time of year for you. I love what you had to say about your dad though, he sounds fabulous. It seems like even though this is a rough time of year, things are going well for you right now. I'm so happy. I love it that everyone always talks about how different their kids are, the anticipation is killing me now (still about 5.5 weeks out from my due date)about how small child #2 will be. Keep smiling Monarda! L
Can't wait to hear all about your new one and how s/he and Owen are together. xoxoxo Hope the last few weeks go as smoothly as possible. It's nice to hear from you! Aww! You should post some pics of her walking! That is so amazing! I'm glad that your work life is easier and working out well. I wish you well and thanks for letting us all know how you're doing. Thanks for this update, mama! Reading about your little girl walking, your son using the potty and your father brought tears to my eyes. How sweet. Thank you. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** I am so sorry about your father, life can be so bittersweet. Thanks for the update! I was just thinking about you yetserday. I was waxing nostalgic about my pregnancy and remembering that red stretchy maternity dress that you gave me. I lived in that thing! I need to find the non-pregnant version of it.
That WAS the non-pregnant version, you know...it wasn't a maternity dress, it was just a huge Old Navy dress. I think. I loved that one too, it was so comfy. I am really thrilled to be reminded that it got you through your pregnancy too. xo. I had to laugh at the image in Target, rushing off to the bathroom!!! Glad the potty training is working now. Your father sounds lovely. I'm (very belatedly since I wasn't here then) sorry that you lost him. Your memories sound wonderful though. Peace, mama. Awesome! thanks for the update, glad to hear you are doing well mama. I can't believe it has been a whole year. My younger son is your older one's age and spends lots of time in public restrooms. He was a newborn when my father died. It was so hard. I tell him about grandpa, but even his older brother doesn't remember a whole lot about him. Your father sounds like a wonderful person. Congrats on the first baby steps! Sunflower the unflower Thanks for sharing the story about your father. He sounds like a motivating and loving force in the world. "Fundamentally the markswoman aims at herself"DT Suzuki Thanks Monarda. This was wonderful to read. It sounds like your daddy is your gardian angel workin' his happy majic on your life. Thanks for the love and right back atcha! The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing. has never been my strong suit...shheesshh The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing. I kinda like the combination of guardian and garden angel...like he's helping things grow & prosper, watching over Monarda, and since Monarda's screen name is Monarda-- plants!-- well, it's quite perfect. |
"Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou
It's just the same with mine! DSS is quite, peaceful, always asking for the things he wants, sweet, anxious, a deep sleeper. DD is commanding, climbing, running, dancing, talking, opening doors (and running down the stairway), loud, awake at 6 or latest at 7, sometimes even at 5 o'clock in the morning.
Some losses are hard to bear and it is a luck if we have losses of that quality. You understand? It is good to have someone who it would be a heavy loss. I mean, it is much better that you can say "I miss him so badly" than "I am glad he is dead". It makes it no easier to bear, I think, but it always comforts me, that I had the luck to have met such a great person.