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family court sucks, part 2Submitted by mommymash on Thu, 05/08/2008 - 7:02pm.
i'm just kind of thinking out loud here, so feel free to ignore. i just read back what i wrote earlier and i'm feeling bummed by how negative the whole thing has become. i wish the whole process didn't have to be so energy-sucking, and i wish i could have more faith in the end goal, which is that BD will get the help he needs so that he can be the healthy, positive influence in *DD's (*whom i shall from now on refer to as monkeygirl due to her impressive climbing ability and her abundance of affection for the banana*) life that he claims to want to be. i have to remember that underneath the terrible things he has said and done, he is human and is probably ashamed and afraid of himself. reminding myself of all the reasons i know he's not good for her right now kind of takes away from the point that i hope he will be good for her someday. hope, hope, hope that she will know her father as a kind, loving, affectionate, even-tempered man rather than the mean, angry, sometimes violent man he has been so many times before. am i foolish for wanting to have faith that he'll get help and change?? or am i terrible for having a sinking feeling that having faith in that would be a disapointment?? AAACK, i am thinking too much! |
I do not have a lot of love for my son's bio father, but sometimes when I am being super negative on him, I do think that I should be more grateful to him. Without him my son wouldn't be here and that boy is the absolute light of my life!
It may be a negative way to see things, but I've acquired a "hope for the best, be prepared for the worst" type of mentality when dealing with certain types of people. Especially anyone with a chemical dependancy. It can take a lot of AWFUL things to happen to them in order for them to be functional, well-adjusted people. Sometimes, they don't make it there. I mentioned my ex-husband to you in an email. I don't have contact with him anymore, but through news from mutual friends, he has not gotten better and I doubt he ever will. He has a romanticized notion about being "touched" as he has put it. He doesn't want help. I hope for yours and your daughter's sake that your ex WANTS help.
You never know what can happen or what makes people see the light. And that goes both ways... in a good direction or bad. It can be a fine line.
Don't be down on yourself, though. You're just protecting your baby - that's what Mama's do.
I'm really hoping you get the best possible result out of this, for you and for monkeygirl