DH and I have been together for 14 years, and while our relationship generally works pretty well, I have to say that I miss the excitement when you meet someone new of seeing yourself through their eyes. Specifically, that rush I used to get when I met someone cool, and we were hitting it off, and he didn't really know me yet. There's a weird freedom in that. With DH, I've gotten stuck in a rut where I know exactly what he thinks of me and sometimes it feels tremendously limiting, especially in terms of our sexual relationship. There are things I would try with a stranger that I wouldn't try with him, because I know I'll get mocked or feel self-conscious. I miss the freedom of someone not knowing me that well yet...because I could try on a new persona.

Don't know if that makes any sense, but I hear you...

"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

and all of my married friends.

My outlook on this whole thing is that we're all just pretty much floating around life alone. When it all comes down to it, we're here for ourselves, we're doing this by ourselves, and we'll be judging ourselves for what we do in the end. Having relationships with people is just one of the ways that we can experience ourselves and figure out how we relate to life, in all of it's many forms.

It sort of all depends on why you are married. I am married because I want to know how to work on a relationship with another person and find ways to work through the boredom, find ways to work through the struggles and find ways to make something that can become mundane into something that is the most important and beautiful thing in the world. In doing this with my partner, I am able to spread that knowledge/practice into every other area of my life, including all of my relationships with people as well as my relationship to what happens to me and how I react to it.

For me personally, having sex with someone else would defeat the purpose of my own marriage. The grass is always greener on the other side, but I've had sex with enough people to know that it always comes back to what I face with my partner. It always returns to the feeling of boredom, and to wanting to have sex with other people. I get along well with my partner, so why not work with him to try and find a solution to this boredom? Otherwise, I risk the whole relationship and may have to start all over building up to the point I'm at now.

When I feel like this, I have to ask myself why the grass is so much greener on the other side. I've been in unhealthy relationships where it was greener because it was healthier, but when this happens in my marriage, that is not the case. Usually, I am feeling this way because I start to feel old. I start to feel like the boring mom on TV. I start to feel like I need more spice in my life and that I am just becoming bland. (It doesn't help that our culture spews out messages through the media that paint us out to be younger and fresher when we are 'sexually free,' whereas sticking it out and not just jumping on whichever dick looks good today is made to look old, religious, conservative, etc...) Fixing this problem has to come from inside of myself, not from the outside. In my own life, having sex with someone else wouldn't be solving the problem, it would just be a distraction from the problem. When this goes on for so long that I can't see a way out, I often have to talk with a friend or counselor about it so that I can figure out what the truth of the matter is.

Anyway...just my two cents.
"Fundamentally the markswoman aims at herself"DT Suzuki

I've always read posts here but never felt like commenting except for now. So I guess I am a newcomer. Anyway, I had to say I have always gone thru the same thing w/ my DH of 7 yrs. I think we just get bored and then sex starts to feel invasive. I have had "flings" with other guys earlier on, and when I told him about it, he wasn't happy even after I explained that that's who I've always been, that i've always been in open relationships and if he didn't want ours to be one, then I couldn't do it, bla bla bla... So we ended up establishing something like an agreement of discretion, in which we could then both engage with others as long as we didn't tell each other or heard from others (he said what bothered him the most when I told him of the earlier episodes was the "gross mental image", not so much jealousy or territorialism).
I know ppl have all sorts of theories as to why people shouldn't have a relationship like this and stuff, but let me tell you, I always feel refreshed and eager to do it w/ him after I'm w/ somebody else. So I guess it works for us...

i'm playing devils advocate here. But do it. Just do it.Don't get old bitter ugly and tell yourself that you're happy because you have some obligation to keep subscribing to some moral code that society has taught you and have excercised your will to accomodate whats easiest. That shit will kill you. yuch, yuch, yuch. This is your life and you are god and you already know what you need. So what your husband doesn't believe in open relashionships? I don't believe that mine should smoke pot. So its his job to not get caught. See? Have a meaningless affair. Have two. It'll put a spring in your step and color in your face. It'll keep you young and your mind sharp and open up other possibilities in your life. I know if my husband got to sleep with other women he would walk on air and be kinder and more patient with the kids and myself, be more joyous and energetic. I wish he could find a FWB type of situation, but of course most women that are attractive and not old bar whores with a Barry White voice from smoking Virginia Slim menthol 120's the past twenty five years aren't down for that, and he has little time to be on the prowl- but I am crossing my fingers for him. I would totaly jump on that shit too, but I only wanna sleep with other women so he I am pretty much in the same boat. But you, you my little cabbage- the world is your oyster, and everyday is another one closer to death.

Glad you posted this. My husband and I are on shakey ground right now, but I felt this way before the trouble started. It's just that I miss the feeling of a new mysterious person, and passionate sex. Both of those go hand-in-hand for me. And there's some autonomy associated with having sex with whomever you please, a sensation that is greatly lacking in motherhood. I don't have much advice, as I've been dealing with this quite a bit throughout my relationship with my husband, but definitely wanted to offer some solidarity on the matter.

Snicker snicker, I think we all feel like that sometimes (some of us - like me - more than others). For me it may come from a deep place of dissatisfaction with my own life. Like, maybe sex with someone else will make all of my troubles melt away, I'll have a great career that pays well, kids who don't smart off every five seconds, an ex-husband who will just go away or something, enough money to dig me out of my fatass financial hole. But, of course, none of this will happen unless I make it happen. Anyway, I fantasize about inappropriate men too...sometimes it's like I'm in heat. The blue-collar lawn and garden guy trimming trees from the back of his truck, a professor, a random guy who smiled at me in the grocery store. Maybe it's our desire to lead more meaningful, glamourous lives (?) Maybe it's pining for the good 'ol days when sex was something you did when you felt like it, not when the kids were asleep.

Sex with my man is good, but it takes me a lot to get in the mood with him. BTW, I left a financially stable (to say the least) relationship for an artist as well...strange, huh? Let me know if you come up with any good explanations. Maybe I can figure my own wanton ways out too.

no matter how tempting it is. if y'all don't have an open relationship, it'll make things waaaay worse. This too shall pass! counseling is a good first step to working out the issues, and if you're both committed to working it out, then you will work it out. Don't worry about the sex. it'll come back. you may just need time to explore sexuality on your own. invest in a vibrator. let SO know you're okay with him servicing himself (sometimes people feel guilty doing this when they have a partner). work out your fantasies in bed with yourself and a trusty vibe. there have been periods of time when i'm not interested in sex with my partner and it helps to have sex with myself during these times.

"revolution is not a one time event" Audre Lorde

except I feel so much the same way. Dh and I have a really great relationship in everyway except sex, I , too, feel like I want to jump anyone else.(I've got a list kinda like that, but usally involves guys with great arm tattoos.) sad. Does it have to be this way? If you get any enlightenment, share it with me.
Mummy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird...