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Fears of returning to the work-force.Submitted by peculiar old bird on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 3:23pm.
I’m getting ready to volunteer my time at an event that I believe in. Event organizing is actually a fantasy job of mine. I love being behind the scenes orchestrating the gathering of like minds. I’ve done it before in great capacity, as the force that made it happen, and loved the entire process. This time around I played a very small, humble roll and still found fulfillment in the success of it. I went back and forth last night trying to decide if I even needed to be present at this event. Am I valuable? Will I be able to contribute adequately? Having RA limits my physical ability and I often feel like people just don’t “get it” that I can’t lift something that a smaller in stature woman can. You know, because they can’t actually see my pain. Unless you live with chronic pain, or are close to someone with it, sometimes it can be hard to appreciate a person’s limitations. I often feel I let people down because I can’t help more. Being a part of a greater whole (volunteering my time for this event) reminded me of what it is like to work outside of the home. It was a struggle to feel like I was valued or that the work I did was valued. As a stay at home mom, my value is expressed in the sound of children’s laughter. Or the sight of a satiated appetite. It is given to me through Hal’s affection and conversation after a long day’s work. It’s the natural human responses to what I contribute that tell me I am valued. How do I achieve this in a job environment? Is it possible? I don’t like being the “subordinate” and constantly reminded of it. I can dig the hierarchy that exists, and even fall in line when its expected, but feeling like I am insignificant to the whole is kind of painful. It is what I have always loathed about working. Now I’m in the head space of questioning… What kind of work can I do that will be rewarding enough to not need to be told by someone higher up that I am important? I’m leaning towards teaching children. Children are so good and natural at showing appreciation. Its not in their words, but in their smile. Its not a pat on the back but a roaring tummy laugh. Its in watching them grow and learn. Having children value an adult is not something tangible but something that sneaks up and hugs you. I love mothering like no other job I’ve ever had and could ever dream of having. I am damn good at it. I won’t become rich as a teacher (heh, I’ll still make more than I do at mothering!) but I think it would offer the right balance of challenge and fulfillment. So I'm in the process of leaving for this event and I have to keep reminding myself that I am needed. The cause, supporting the midwifery community, is my driving force. I'm sure I'll have a wonderful time. Hey, there's free food involved! peculiar old bird's blog | login or register to post comments | email this page | printer friendly version
I've experienced that same appreciation-gap working outside the home as opposed to mothering or working for myself. I rationally see and agree with “Is it realistic to need anything from others?” I think the answer to that second question is a resounding, no. In my heart though, I'll be in the middle of working and I'll feel like other people there are getting that appreciation or something else will trigger me to start craving it again. I also rationally think it's sad to have this attitude about one's community, that you have to be an emotional island and that a smile or laugh is too much to dream of. I have a theory about one way our society is failing, and that is that many, many people feel a need to be special, attractive and appreciated but very few feel a need to be supportive and appreciative. This unbalance tends to drain people and create an ever enlarging unbalance. One thing that seems to work for me in this regard is finding a vast variety of things to do, sometimes being out with a friend, sometimes volunteering one place, sometimes taking a class, sometimes volunteering another place, etc. That way it starts to feel to me a little more like one particular place/event has unappreciative/unhappy seeming people while I still get that camaraderie and spirit boosting from one of the other ones. Then, the event/activity where people aren't that supportive I can go into that a little more thick skinned and kinda focus on how my driving force isn't the people but the activity itself. Just practicing that on a fairly frequent basis keeps me saner and happier and prouder of the way I'm forcing myself to grow out of needing kudos from people. Then that energy of pride gives me the strength to remember to be appreciative back to the people and events that are appreciative of me. I think teaching sounds wonderful for you! Go for it! That's awesome! ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** Velma, this is seriously the best advice of the year for me. Thank you for taking so much time to write this out. You have given me a different perspective that was lingering in me, but not at the forefront. I tried to make the event my drive but kept feeling sorry for myself because my friends (and let me say, working with friends isn't as fun as hanging out with them) were on the bossy side and short, quite often. I know that when pressure is on, that is normal and I shouldn't have taken it so damn personally. I did, though, and it put me in such a funk. I'm feeling better about the whole thing, now, and am giving myself some time to be away from those friends so I can go back to our friendship without any "baggage." A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb |
hi pecs,
mamacita already said it best, but i think the teaching is right on!
i recently put up a mantra in my home and at work that says:
"people value and honor my work".
i think you bring up some good points about why people work, and what they can/should/do expect.
as a single mom, and sole provider for my family, it feels good to be in the middle of my day at work and laugh because i've multi-tasked a bunch of shit, used my mothering skills when nobody is looking and channeled like a motherfucker at my desk.
i do this a at job that i was scared to take, but needed to for different reasons.
don't sweat this, just do your thing.
the event planning is cool as fuck - you can do anything that you want to in this world.
hearts,
dc is your friend!
a fire breathing/green scaled mistress production!