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Group dynamics

This stupid little thing happened among friends, and it has been bugging me for weeks. DH thinks I'm completely blowing it out of proportion, and he's probably right. But I'm curious to see whether anyone out there understands my perspective, or if I'm just completely out of line here.

I have a group of friends, and about a year ago, I introduced a family member into that group. I've invited everyone to a few parties for various occasions. A short while ago, one of my closest friends (I'll call her M) e-mailed me about the really fun time she had hanging out with my cousin, on an outing to which I was not invited.

We are all moms and our kids are all about the same age. It was totally an event that I would have enjoyed. M had tried a few times before to underhandedly hook up with my cousin without me - mostly by inviting her to parties at her place that she knew I'd be unable to attend. She never asked me if I was OK with her pursuing a friendship with my cousin. But they are friends now, and have been going out and doing mama stuff without me.

Generally speaking, this kind of stuff doesn't usually bother me, but I've been having a really hard time not taking this personally. I am realizing that I have some trust issues with M, and I'm kind of not sure whether I want to continue being friends. When I had ds, I was the first one in the group to have kids, and it really freaked her out - to the point where she was constantly doing things with other mutual friends and asking them not to tell me about it. Popularity is very important to her, and she tends to favor one friend or group of friends for a while, then burn out on them and ditch them. It's not uncommon to be asked not to mention a gathering to so-and-so when you hang out with her.

I also found out that she offered my cousin a job at her business.

I am really upset for a variety of reasons. I realize that this is my baggage and I'm probably overly sensitive, given my history with M. For that reason, I'm usually very cautious about including people and observing boundaries with friends.

There is also the issue of M possibly burning a bridge with my cousin, but I figure they are big girls and they can work that out for themselves.

DH says I should just get over myself already. But I'm curious. Would this bother you? Would you say anything about it?

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It would irk me for a minute, yes

then I'd try to remind myself that M seems to have a problem in general. This is why it's best to reserve the title "friend" for genuine friends, not people you hang out with and have fun with but don't trust.

***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***

  • By Velma (not verified) at 04/30/2008 - 12:49am
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I guess you're right

I didn't see this side of her super clearly until after we'd been friends for about eight years, which was kind of dumb on my part.

"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

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"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

  • By guava at 04/30/2008 - 12:54am
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i don't understand where you

i don't understand where you are comming from at all. not even a little bit. where you are with this shows me how diffrent people can think and view things. I just don't get it. Aren't we allowed to hang out with whomever we want? I mean why in the heck would I ever have to ask friend a if I could hang out with friend b if I met b through a? And because i met friend b through friend a, I am obligated to ask her now when we meet? Everybody is so diffrent, and I wake up with diffrent perspectives on a daily basis. My friends all serve diffrent purposes and I hang out with some when I feel domestic, others when I want to be electric, others cus I wanna get shit faced, others who know what its like to have kids, everyone of my friends knows a diffrent side of me, and thats why I like knowing lots of people, because nobody is exactly like me. And about hiding and telling secrets? Why? I also rotate hanging out with whoemver suit my needs best at the time, just how I am, or maybe we are going through a similar situation, or are both needing attention and for some reason end up hanging out all the time. One of my best friends and I go through jags where we will speak everyday for months, not talk for six. Its alot more about lifestyle, too.
I am not trying to say you are wrong. Probably more people think like you do than I do, I am a weirdo for sure. Now I am just wondering how many people I pissed off in my past and am always left dumbfounded when I offend folks, which I always manage to do somehow. Definetly something for me to think about seeing as this topic has come up before in my life this past week, and I couldn't see how it could make somebody feel bad. Or maybe it could, but when I get jealous, which I do, I always think its my bad and turn it inward. Curious though on everybody elses thoughts.

  • By PattyCakes at 04/29/2008 - 11:40pm
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Actually

most of the people around me come more from your perspective than mine, so I've been feeling like I am the weird one here.

In response to your question: "why in the heck would I ever have to ask friend a if I could hang out with friend b if I met b through a?" My answer is this - because ultimately, at the end of the day, the message a gets is that you'd rather be with b, and maybe she's boring/uncool/not as fun and it makes her feel like crap.

Now I am not like this with all of my friends. I've even introduced M to other mama friends of mine and they hang out now and it's not a big deal. I think it's more this feeling that I can't shake that she went behind my back to deliberately exclude me. I'm pretty sure I am being somewhat self-absorbed here.

The other thing to point out is that, last year, M got really angry with a friend of hers and terminated the friendship because she did the same thing, and M felt like this girl "invaded and took over her world".

"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

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"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

  • By guava at 04/30/2008 - 12:53am
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PS-

Patty- in case I came off as attacking a different point of view, I get from your posts that you're not intentionally setting out to leave people in or out, you're just going through your life and hanging out with who you feel like hanging out with - I understand that. It makes sense to me, I don't think my feelings would be hurt in that situation.

I think what's bugging me in my situation is that I'm suspecting there IS intent here, given the fact that this friend ditched me the first time because I had a baby, didn't have the guts to tell me that to my face, but told everyone else we knew. Am not quite sure what the motive is this time. It's complicated.

"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

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"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

  • By guava at 04/30/2008 - 1:06am
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well, I am definetly not

well, I am definetly not liking this girl if you think she did it to spite you. She sucks anyway if she got rid of you because you had a kid. And then told everybody about that? see how diffrent people can think...because while my friend hanging out with my other friend wouldn't phase me, one friend telling another that she dumped me because I had a baby would make me mad at my friends that still communicated with her. Yuch.
If you want to keep her around, I hope you can seperate her into your aquaintence pile if she has anything to offer you, if not go cold turkey. One of the best things I did in my entire life was to just come to the realization that my best girlfriend was far from that and our relashionship was one sided. I think frienships can be as toxic as intimate relashionships and sometimes more painful because the boundaries emotionaly are all blurry and theres alot of grey areas and ego and social graces and it can just be a big headtrip at times. Plus, you feel like a giant asswipe saying "M, we need to talk, I think you take me for granted and aren't really intrested in me as you used to be. As a matter of fact, I feel used..." So you don't say anything because most people will just say what you want to hear and then tell everyone what a psycho you are.
Maybe this is part of the reason that I whine about meeting people and not knowing anybody and then yet I sit here typing away. Its just too much sometimes. For me. All I got is commiseration. And PS to you- in the future you'll find that I'm pretty hard to offend. Like now, I will be more coincous to the fact that it does bother some people, I won't maybe chance my politics, but if I meet somebody through a mutual friend and we are hitting it off and doing things seperatly, I may try and do some 'damage control'. Maybe in my situation though I would think nobody would be jealous over me so how can they get jealous if I'm not jealous worthy?

  • By PattyCakes at 04/30/2008 - 1:45am
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I would be annoyed. I don't

I would be annoyed. I don't really have any advice, but it sounds kinda like high school bullshit.

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Lana

  • By lana at 04/29/2008 - 10:56pm
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Actually something like this

Actually something like this has happened to me and my cousin. My best friends in high school (they are sisters) are now best friends with my cousin and they barely have contact with me anymore. Not my cousin, my old best friends. They live out of state and they all go back and forth and visit eachother and actually the last time our friends came out to stay with my cousin, they came over my house and left after a few hours to hang out together at a club where they knew I wouldn't be going, since I had a newborn.

So, (sorry not trying to take over your post) I think you're entitled to be a little taken aback by it. I really try not to let it get to me and just try to always ask my cousin how they are doing etc. Because they are entitled to make their own choices about whom they hang out with.
It does rub me the wrong way though.
No advice, but I know it hurts. If it really is something you don't see yourself getting past, mention it and see how things go? Just a suggestion.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou

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"Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou

  • By loveislikewoe at 04/29/2008 - 9:30pm
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That sucks

Thanks for sharing your story - I don't think it's hijacking at all. Sounds very similar. I'm curious - did the thing with your friends end up affecting your relationship with your cousin at all? Did you and she ever talk about it, or is it awkward at all?

Right after the first e-mail happened, I went to lunch with my cousin and didn't bring up M at all and it was really awkward. It felt like there was an elephant in the room. I have tried to avoid the subject at all costs because I don't want her to feel like she's in the middle, kwim?

"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

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"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

  • By guava at 04/29/2008 - 10:23pm
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