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MIL strikes again! And she fed Max McD's chicken.Submitted by peculiar old bird on Tue, 04/29/2008 - 6:17pm.
I’m sure by now some of you are tired of reading about my MIL woes. For those of you who are not, read on… First of all, for those of you who may not know, we are vegetarian and are raising our children vegetarian. If you have a hard time understanding why we would want to do this or why it matters to us, ask me and I will try my best to explain it. About two weeks ago, Max told me he ate chicken nuggets from McD’s while he was with MIL. Inside it killed but I did my best to stay neutral and calm. I talked with him about it, reminded him that mommy and daddy don’t eat meat and asked him if he liked it. He said that Lola told him it was “good meat” because it was white meat. He did like it. It infuriated me that she told him that was “good meat.” He also told me that Lola told him, You used to eat meat, mommy. Can we move to another state, now??? I said, yes, mommy and daddy both ate meat when we were younger. When we got older we choose to stop eating meat. When you get older, you can decide for yourself if you would like to eat meat. For right now, mommy and daddy do not want you eating it. He said, Oh, okay. I know all the shrinks in the world would say that it is Hal’s job to confront his mom. BUT…I did it. Hal would have put it off until it was too late and then used that as a reason to not do it. I know him like that. I spoke with her on the phone in the kindest, non-confrontational tone, using words that were not accusing. The conversation went very smoothly. She lied. I know she lied because part of what she said was what Max told me. She also stuttered and repeated her “story” a few times even though I was sounding “on her side.” Grandma called me when MIL and I got off the phone and told me MIL was upset about what I said to her. Not only did I flat out ask her about what Max told me, I proceeded to let her know that Hal and I would like to be the ones to introduce meat products to our children. I told her that it is important to us that if Max does eat meat he eats “quality” meat, free-range, organic… ect. She “sounded” like she was understanding me. I told her that in our home, being a vegetarian is “just how we eat” and we have never and will never tell Max that eating meat is “wrong” or “bad.” I complimented her on how she has handled Max’s request for her meat items in the past, letting her know that we would like her to continue telling him, ask your mommy and daddy or when you get older. Of-course when I filled Grandma in on how our conversation went, she agreed and supported me. Bottom line is that MIL does not like people setting boundaries and she certainly doesn’t like it when people set them like an adult should. This was a big deal for me to speak to her respectfully, calmly, and concisely. I finally have gotten what my therapist was always trying to get me to do… be super kind, killem’ with kindness. MIL couldn’t argue with me because I was so friendly, non-accusing, and calm. As she defended her self, I agreed with her. But I know the truth. On the same day Max alleged eating meat, FIL brought him home in his truck, without a car seat. Now, Hal and I have decided that our children will only visit with their grandparents when we all go as a family on Sunday’s. Its Hal’s job to tell them in some fashion that we are disturbed by what Max has told us, upset about him once again being transported without a car seat and feel it is best if we all visit them “as a family.” I’m not sure how Hal will do this, or when. This is part of my issue with Hal. He just doesn’t want to confront and then deal with their reaction, when it comes to his family - specifically his mom, he avoids ALL FORMS OF REAL COMMUNICATION. He has an understanding of the psychology of his issues and we talk about it often. However, we all know its easier to know what the problem is than to actively change. We always have a united front but its usually me standing in the front! I have insisted that he be the next one to deal with his mom and he is just shitting in his pants over it. This is so unattractive to me (in both the literal and figurative sense!). I’ve told him that if he doesn’t set boundaries with his mom he is not only letting me down, but is also letting Bella and Max down. We don’t need his parents to agree with us, but we do expect them to respect our differences on this issue and NOT offer our children dead animals (talk about calling it "what it is"). NOT “talk them into” eating meat. And NOT misrepresent our (Hal and I) history. Please send some vibes to my husband, my gentle and kind husband, so that he will grow some balls. peculiar old bird's blog | login or register to post comments | email this page | printer friendly version
For what it's worth, I don't think it was a bad or wrong thing for you to confront her, at all. Yes, I do believe that the adult child should be the one who deals with issues first with their family. But, when it comes to your children, and especially when it come to safety and such huge convictions on the lifestyle you choose, you have every right to speak up. It sounds as if you did it in a respectful and mature manner. Yeah, Hal needs to confront them about it all, but I do think you have a right to say something if it's not gettng done. Eh, that's my thoughts on it anyways. BleuRoo Handcrafted Sweetness that you are tolerating all this frustration without losing your cool but while still recognizing and communicating that the problem is Hal's and the in-laws'. This too shall pass. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** I agree with the other mama-I would be PISSED. wow, you have every right to be angry, I can't believe how well you have dealt with it. And I am with you firmly believeing that it is now time for Hal to stand up to them. Mcd's is one thing yes bad, but the no carseat thing..infuriating. Fucking ridiculous... ( I find myself angrier the more I think about it) These people are so disrespectful of you! HUGS and I am damn proud of you. I hope that you get the resolution that you need. Not just chicken nuggets but from McD*nalds *hugs mama* It's frustrating and the car seat thing is just too much. and I'm a meat eater, but that was way out of line. I mean giving an extra candy is one thing, but changing his diet, Ca-razy. No car seat? Geeeeez I am also a meat eater, but that is simply her not respecting how you want to raise your child. Wow, the carseat? Damn. I think it boils down to a lack of respect for you & your parenting. I am so sorry! I would have flipped out! The first thing I thought when I saw your subject line was "oh, no she didn't!" I admire how you've handled it. I would have probably called and yelled at her and then withheld child contact. Wow... I am impressed with how you handled it! That's great that you were able to be so kind about the situation. That will get you much further than confronting with anger. As a vegetarian with a vegetarian child, I can only imagine what it would be like if someone fed my child meat (on purpose) and then justified it. Yuck. Your boundaries seem healthy and I would be doing the same thing. I understand your anger over your MIL's total lack of regard for your wishes concerning meat and I think you did the right thing by confronting her, though I wouldn't have handled it with the same aplomb as you. But (and here's where I piss people off, maybe) I'd be way more mad about the FIL bringing Max home without a carseat. Yes, the meat issue is important and her behaviour sucks, but I'd probably beat the shit out of my mom or stepdad if I found out they were not using a car seat. I'm so mad just thinking about it and I can imagine my own mother doing something like that, as well as ignoring my food choices for my son. Grrrr. No way dude! I agree! I am really pissed about that. I just happen to actually like my FIL more but yeah, it is a HUGE problem that he did that - when MIL's car was home (the one with the car seat) and he could have brought Max home in that. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb Oh, I def need to mention that I didn't realize that Max was brought home without a car seat until after I spoke with MIL about the food. I even saw FIL's truck and it didn't dawn on me until 5 days later when Max said that grandpa let him ride with a big people seat belt in his truck, so I should too! I was floored but didn't want to add on to what I had previously dealt with. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb You did a really great job of handling this issue. I can just feel your diplomacy and all the work that it took for you to use it -- I know because it would be almost impossible for me not to have flown off the handle in either situation (meat eating or car seat). Your MIL totally childish and a little pathetic. You were totally grown up and responsible and she was a pouty kid. I think your solution of only visiting as a family is a GREAT one. They've proven they can't be trusted and until they prove otherwise, well, they don't get carte blanche. I hope Hal can get the cajones to stand up to his parents on this. I dunno some of us can stand up to our parents better than others (I do it too much, I think! Fortunately my husband - VERY diplomatic). (By the way-- the whole McD's chicken nuggets as "good meat"?! I'm sorry, but WTF???? I eat meat, but in no way, under no uncertain terms would I EVER categorize anything that comes out of McD as good anything, much less good meat. What a total travesty. Jesus, if you are going to violate your childrens' rules about what your grandkids can eat, at least be somewhat responsible and feed them meat that is actually raised ethically, without hormones/antibiotics, on a truly family farm, or whatever. But I guess that would require some responsibility, which your MIL doesn't have much of, I guess. Sad) I think you handled that beautifully. Both with your son and with your MIL. It doesn't really matter if they understand, it's your family. As my sister says: "That's why you got to be the mommy with your kids, and I get to be the mommy with mine." "One must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human being." but you aren't being united if you are standing out in front, right? I mean, if this is a family decision to be vegetarian then it's a family decision and it should be dh who confronts MIL. It seems like it's only setting you two up to ruin whatever relationship you have to make you do it. I understand that your husband is kind and gentle...he probably doesn't want to deal but he may have to if he wants his children to continue to respect the family decision to be vegetarian, right? vibes to HAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can totally understand your disapointment over her giving him meat. Hell, my heart dropped a little when my husband told me that he fed my babe store bought baby food instead of my homemade for the first time. BleuRoo Handcrafted Sweetness Oh! This was so good of you to do! Setting boundaries is so important with people like this. And you did a great job, it sounds like. I will send vibes to your husband. Believe me I can relate to this story on so many levels. Be proud mama! "Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou |
Going behind your back, UNmaking decisions you've made regarding your child's wellbeing...whoa. You handled it better than I would have. Well, more nicely, at least.
I am so happy to read all of these responses of support. I was a little concerned about the fact that it was *me* who confronted MIL on this one and not Hal. I know he has the language and intellect to deal with his mom, it will just take some major support and a little push for him to do so. We are both fed up with her and while we do foresee a future when she and FIL can take our children without supervision, it isn’t anytime soon.
My conversation with her was, like, a monumental deal for me so it is reassuring and validating to read all these positive and supportive responses.
I have blown up at her in the past. I have been curt with her before. It honestly felt horrible and I thought her position of “playing the victim” after being yelled at was partially a reasonable one because of how aggressive I was - regardless of whether I was right or wrong.
The coolest thing about this past confrontation is that she couldn’t play the victim, she couldn’t make me out to be the bad one. Well, I suppose she could if she really wanted too, but so far she hasn’t.
So thank you everyone for all this support. Now, I want Hal to read this because I think it will give him the confidence and security to do what is best for his family!
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb