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Weekend Outing, mourning the passing of a part of my life, and pics!Submitted by peculiar old bird on Sun, 04/27/2008 - 1:19pm.
We met up with friends in Venice yesterday for a little outing to the park. The kids had a blast and the conversation amongst us four adults flowed nicely. I always get a little nervous anytime I hang out with a sister-friend AND her partner. Hal is a pretty low key quiet guy by nature and while he is comfortable with long bouts of silence, it makes me feel a little anxious. I’m getting better at appreciating silence between friends who I don’t see very often but you know, sometimes I feel insecure about it. Like, oh my, they don’t have anything to say to me because we don’t have anything in common and they don’t really enjoy my company! …But like childbirth has taught me, its better to push through the discomfort of a situation than attempt to avoid it. The end results are so worth it.
I love this family that we hung out with. Krista and I could talk for hours, if only our children would allow it. And the boys (Hal and Walt) are like two peas in a pod. They could talk about music for hours. Okay, gushing now, but you know how it is. Living far away from people I love is hard, so I really appreciate and savor the time I do spend with them. About four days ago... my baby girl became a toddler. Bella started walking full-time. This has greatly improved her dance moves.
This funny thing keeps happening to me… I get a gust of wind that brings with it... the feeling... of wanting another child. Then, another funny thing happens to me… I remember the first year of life with a newborn. Gust of wind gone. Its really kind of trippy knowing that Hal and I are done having children. Most of me feels absolutely relieved about it. I have no yearning to go through childbirth again, like I did after Max. The first year of life with a baby is not as fun as every year after that. And taking on the responsibility of another person would knock me off balance sending me straight over the edge. Then there is this really, really, really tiny part of me that mourns the loss of those experiences. I know its not really a loss, per say, as much as a passing. That time in my life has passed and it makes me a little sad. Okay, now I’m going to say it bluntly and selfishly… my best friend needs to get knocked up so I can live vicariously through her pregnancy and childbirth! There Universe. I said it out loud. peculiar old bird's blog | login or register to post comments | email this page | printer friendly version
I just love seeing little ones about the same age as mine. Bella looks super cute. My DD is at the mostly walking stage (unless she's stressed out, in which case she's crawling or walking on her knees to look more pitiful, I think.) And I am having that feeling in the back of my mind that I want another one. I never thought I'd have ONE, let alone more than one. But it will be at least a couple of years before that happens--I'd need a partner on whom I could rely, first. *shrug* Someday, maybe. Or maybe it will be just me and DD until she leaves the house. That would have its advantages, too. I did seriously THINK I was done after E...it's been over 3 years since I have been pregnant (I had 4 kids in 3 years...there's 18 months in between each birth), and because I had my first 3 in such a short time span, it's very surreal to me to be pregnant AGAIN. I never FELT done after the last baby though, and I always wondered why. Lots of Mommies I had befriended said, "Oh trust me, you'll KNOW when you're done." I never believed them. Until now. I look at my big ole tummy in the mirror and both relish it and wish for my body back. I love my son's kicks and punches, but I look forward to never having a uterus 1000 times its normal size again. I think I'll have a greater appreciation for this child's milestones, because honestly, even though I do love my big family, I wish I'd spaced them all out a little more (2.5 yrs instead of 1.5 maybe?). I know my body has been through hell and back with pregnancies and miscarriages, and I have cheated significant health problems and death, so it is time my body should rest, permenantly. I wonder what has possessed me sometimes. I wonder if my drive for a large family surpassed my common sense. Leave having more to my friends (my two best friends are also on their fourth time around the Mommy roller coaster...they swear up and down it's their last). This child DOES get the benefit of having only one older brother home during the day as an infant (instead of the 3 my last child got)...there are benefits, definitely. But I know that the silence will leave me bereft at times. I know I'll cry when this last one walks. I will never again get the joy of hearing a Doppler heartbeat, but I won't have pregnancy heartburn, morning sickness, pre-eclampsia... It's truly a mixed bag of emotions, that's for sure. "I will not allow my fears to destroy my ability to love; I will not allow my past to influence my tomorrow; I believe in the best; I will continue to be an idealist, even if it sometimes seems foolish. I will not allow fear to destroy love..." You said it all so perfectly, Resolution. I'm really digging your honesty. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb I need to figure out how to post video - I think Margot & Bella might share some moves. And yet. She nurses ALL NIGHT LONG. so I'm over it. I'll wait patiently for the nieces & nephews. Glad to hear you had a good friend outing. Thsoe are the best! I loved this blog. And Bella looks fab dancing her heart out! You always make me smile. Tell Bella that I think her move is pretty rockin'. |
will do.
i'm glad that you guys had a fun time, the pics are great! the smiles on the kids faces, the sand & sun, what more could you ask for?
you know what i think:
take pride in what you've achieved, two beautiful kids, good health, security and a good man! these are things that women like me are working towards! you already have this!
nothing is easy, but it's worth working towards!
you've got your dreams, good friends and solid ground to walk on in the future.
i respect the fact that you're honest about the "silence" thing. secretly, all people feel this way. i've learned to appreciate/like the silent part (and yes, i still get uncomfortable too), BUT it allows breathing room, maybe it allows the "flow" in and out of a conversation.
almost like it's necessary, you know? silence is part of the "sounds/noise/words", i think.
i hope that makes sense!
keepin' rolling babe - i believe in you!
hearts,
dc
a fire breathing/green scaled mistress production!