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Growing up, I never felt the joy of Hope. Having children, gave me that gift.Submitted by peculiar old bird on Sat, 04/26/2008 - 12:31am.
I’m getting ready for a day out with the whole family tomorrow, Hal, Max, Bella, & I. The excitement I feel is exhilarating. Growing up, family life was not treated as something to get excited about. Often, when I would start to get excited about something I would hear Mom say, “Don’t get your hopes up, Michelle Ann Hatfield, we may not be able to go.“ I learned very early on to not have high hopes. Its only in becoming a parent that I’ve been able to reclaim hope and excitement for life which has not yet happened. I also now realize that Mom must have had a zillion disappointments in life. Yes, this makes me sad. Hal could never understand my lack of excitement about stuff. He would be thrilled about something we were getting ready to do and I would be stone cold, ambivalent. Like, something inside just could not light up until I knew it was really going to happen. He would be bursting at the seems about our upcoming cross country trip and I would be totally void of emotion. For most of my childhood it was just Mom and I. When my step-dad entered the picture, he didn’t really interact with me too much. We never did anything on the weekends as a family. And I recall only a few “family” vacations, all to Florida theme parks. My mom was my only family in my eyes. She was my world. She also made sure I knew that I was hers. If she had more time, we would have gone on many more “outings,” I’m sure. If she wasn’t raising me alone (even though she was in a marriage with my step-dad), if she didn’t work full-time from the moment after I was born, if we had more money, yadda-yadda-yadda, you get the point. Things may have been different. I did things mostly with just Mom, it never felt. And for some reason, because my step-dad wasn't an involved parent, it never felt like a family event. I’m also pretty certain that Mom suffered from severe depression most of my childhood because I remember her sleeping ALL THE TIME. So now, as an adult, as a parent, I allow myself to get excited. Even if plans get canceled, I can’t imagine that I would regret the feeling of happiness. I’m also wise enough to know that sometimes bad things happen. Happy Weekend!
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You hit the nail right on the head, it was something I didn't even realize was missing in my life! It wasn't until I read a section in the book, Buddhism For Mothers, on how a parent should never take away their child's sense of hope that I realized, Wow! That is exactly what happened to me! It was such a normal part of my life that I didn't even think anything of it. I mean, I did think I was strange or off because of the inability to get excited about upcoming events in my life, but didn't think it needed changing. Now that I have reclaimed Hope, I feel so much happier and like I can do anything I want... no matter what the outcome of it. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb I am so glad that you have went from your old self a couple years ago-saying you were leaving because you would care too much what people thought or were constantly checking to see what people thought of your posts, wondering if you were cutting into the quality of Max's day- to full blown sharing everything. Its been so nice for me to know the insecurities of anothr woman raising kids. See how you are a woman so ambitious for emotional and spiritual growth, its so refreshing to see that and have a humble point of view. Too often mom bloggers come off so preachy and haughty to me, a make no excuses, I have already learned everything kind of attitude. I like how often you contribute too. Have you thought of how much this is going to mean to your kids that you have taken all this time to document this stuff about them? I would feel so flattered if you were my mom, and it will be super helpful for Max and Bella when they get older. Its helpful to me and so inspiring. you totally got me thinking about how far i've come just because of this site. i don't know if you remember my old id name, moonbrain, but my lord... that was a different woman all together. you and so many other mama's here have changed my life for the better. thank you! it really touched me that you mentioned what all this writing will mean someday to my children. they are def motivators in my recordings of my history, ya know? A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb Oh wow, look at these sweetie pies!
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i love your curly headed kiddos what sweeties how could you not have hope with those two. I'm glad you found something you never really knew was lost mama.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss