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Feminist mamas, help me out here.Submitted by vkitty17 on Fri, 04/11/2008 - 4:58pm.
I'd like to raise my son in a gender equity household. That is to say, I don't want to him to play with toys because they're for boys, I want him to like pink if he wants to, I want him to know that there are no "boy things" and "girl things", just things. Okay, so here's the deal. It was raining, and I asked my son if he'd like an umbrella. He said yes, so I handed him my umbrella, and he says "actually, I'm okay, I have a hood on my sweatshirt". Sure. Fine. No big deal. Next day, still raining. I open up my umbrella and then remember I forgot the car keys in the house. "Hold this" I tell him and hand him the umbrella. "No, I don't want to" he replies. "C'mon, just hold it" I say as I shove it into his little hands. I run in, grab the car keys, and run back out only to find my umbrella on the ground. Whatever. We walk to the car. "Get under the umbrella," I tell him. "You don't want to get rained on, do you?" "No thanks, I'm fine," he says, as he walks just inches away from dryness. "Why don't you want to use this umbrella?" I ask him finally. His answer: Because it has flowers on it. That's right. He doesn't like the flowers. Won't even stand under the umbrella. Mamas, help. What am I supposed to make of this? Is public school turning my boy into a pink-hating flower nazi? And don't say it's just a boy thing, because that's bullshit. Or is it? I dunno! What do I do? haha ha pink hating flower nazi that's hilarious, i think it's a little of everything . some outside influences, some boys are just boys and some what we instill. I am very tom boyish and try to raise my girls likewise but my oldest is just girlie she loves pink and princesses and dresses and that's just how she is for now and if that's what she likes i go with it. she does play with traditional "boy" toys too.and on that note i HATE those new Tonka truck commercials talking about boys are just built different or whatever. blech! Jessica A lot of 4-5 year olds get horrifically gender specific as they start to notice stereotyped roles in the world outside their homes. Third grade is a very anxious year also because there is so much teasing and conformity at that age. Keep teaching what you know to be true and he'll come back to what he learned first. In the meantime, don't get down about it. My son still loves pink and ballet but he has some anxiety about people's responses right now. He gets a lot of positive reinforcement from having all his sister's ballet friends love on him (BIG KIDS!) and being the prince every week in his own class, but bucking gender roles in the single digit age group is really really hard and probably too much to expect any kid to declare openly unless they live in a very progressive community (I was a tomboy big time, but I think that was and is still way more accepted than pretty boys which shows a hell of a lot of misogynist bias right there in my opinion but that's another topic). i think partly it is a boy thing. i think they are who they are without influences from us. (this being children in general). that being said, i also think that they can be influenced by us, but its not everything.
Yeah, it could be that he overheard someone say "flowers are for girls," or something like that. But maybe he just doesn't like flowers. My 4 year old daughter can be crazy opinionated about what she likes and doesn't, and not necessarily based on cultural influences. as an auntie, i've tried to provide whatever resources i could get my hands on to my nephew-types, but sadly, said resources are limited. their mamas have engaged them in conversations about gender, stereotypes, etc and given them more gender latitude than the mainstream, and they have each had their own journeys/are having their own journeys. there are some books and dvds, but damn do i fervently wish there were more. i keep trying to get bd to write some, but it hasn't happened yet. in our family of affinity, we have lamented for years the reality that it is ever so much easier to raise a feminist girlchild than it is to raise a feminist boychild, but no clear solution has presented itself. we just keep feeling our way along. i'm hoping other mamas will share resources i've been unaware of 'cuz this is such a pressing issue - not least 'cuz my daughter is the only girl in the family in her age range; everyone else keeps having boys!
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu dragon knows dragon |
And we don't get out a whole lot (not a lot of multi age interaction with lots of boys).
Ike has ALWAYS preferred "boy stuff" I have tried to push barbies and pink on him since he was a baby. Nope. I can get him to wear pink, but that is the line. He won't play with dolls, hates stuffed animals, anything that is a social toy he rejects. I think kids personalities reside on a spectrum. Some girls like hardware, some boys like social toys but the typical hormone induced preferences do exist.