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Selective MutismSubmitted by lana on Thu, 04/10/2008 - 10:21pm.
Has anyone ever heard of this? I never have, but I stumbled across it while googling shyness in preschoolers. My 4 year old daughter is really shy. At home and around some people she knows well she is a total chatterbox. It's mostly around adults she doesn't know well, and even some that she does know well that she doesn't talk. If they talk to her she will sometimes respond by shaking or nodding her head, other times she just stares at well-intentioned strangers with a rather embarrassing dead-pan look. She has been going to the same home daycare since she was 2. She plays and talks happily to the other kids, but she doesn't speak to her teacher at all. Her teacher says she can hear her chattering away with the other kids. She communicates with her nonverbally, and it seems to work out pretty well, but she doesn't say a word. She also gets REALLY embarrassed and upset if the teacher reprimands her at all. She's about to start a new preschool, and I'm worried about how she's going to do. She's fine with the kids at her school now, but she's known them for a long time. It is a small school with one teacher, who has plenty of time to pay attention to her. They've developed their own system of communication, and her friends often help by "translating" for her. The new school is bigger - more kids and more teachers. So then today I came across this "selective mutism" term, which I've never heard of, but describes her "symptoms". To me, it just sounds kinda like bullshit, but there are all these websites devoted to the "serious psychological disorder," or "rare childhood anxiety disorder." It also says most children who have it have at least one parent with an anxiety disorder, which my husband does. The funny thing is, I wasn't that worried about her until now. I just thought she was shy, and was hoping it was a phase. Any thoughts? it was a source of frustration for her fist pre k teacher. one day i got a note home from her telling me that my (then three year old) daughter had been "SO RUDE!!" when being confronted for something she had done, i think it was not sleeping at nap time. dd just stared right at her, not saying anything. so the teacher sent her out to another teacher's room, and dd did the same with that teacher. duh. that whole year, dd didn't speak to one single adult. the next pre k teacher when dd was four didn't take it personally, and by the end of that year, dd would respond when spoken to appropriately. dd would not respond to a cross tone or anything that sounded like an admonishment. but the teacher was cool about it to where by kindergarten, dd was a model student. speaking only at appropriate times, and not being noisy or disruptive. she's nine now, and she still doesn't speak to adults in public or order her own food, which dh and i disagree on. he feels that we need to make her do shit like that herself. i say, no harm. i ask her straight out, "what if we weren't here to order for you?" and she says "i guess i'd have to order myself." as to whether it was anxiety, dunno. it makes sense on paper, but dd i can tell you is quite confident, always has been. she does NOT like being corrected. like, more than other kids she resists. but she isn't internalizing criticism or crying when she gets corrected. it does not rattle her sense of who she is, you know? he gets angry at the person correcting her. whereas i would feel like i was suddenly a shitty student, a shitty friend, shitty sister or whatever, when people would criticize me, whether i was wrong or not. but dd behaves appropriately about when criticized. you can see she doesn't like it, but she gets over it and goes about her business soon enough. i have tried to get in her head about it, what is going through her mind, to see whetehr there is anything to be concerned about, and i actually haven't found anything. i just kept my eye out for anything that would seem concerning. but she's fine. just doesn't much care for adults. can't say i blame her. Thanks Etta! I like your laid-back approach to this. As I wrote above, I got freaked out when I started reading about "treatment". Does your daughter have problems talking to her teachers or other kids at school? not anymore, she is in third grade. she oh-so-gradually came out of her shell. meaning, she wouldn't approach a teacher when something needed their attention or she needed help, but she would respond when spoken to and raises her hand to answer question. this selective mutism thing was pretty much gone by the time first grade was over, thanks in large part to a fucking fantastic first grade teacher and my refusal to see it as a problem, rather than a personality trait. now, this year when she had that bully in school, her teacher was concerned that she didn't tell them, but a lot of kids do that. she talks to her brownie leader, her friends' parents, she is fine. i think that one person who joined to respond to you, using terms like "SM" and advising you to get her to a psychologist, frankly, is being alarmist. if i were in your position, and it looks like i have been, i would just observe her for any other things that coupled with the selective mutism could indicate taht she is suffering in some way. be it anxiety or a deficit of some kind, or whatever the cause may be. my feeling was, what i care about is if it's bothering her. i don't care if my daughter's speaking habits are uncomfortable for other adults. they're adults, they can adjust. and in her case, it wasn't bothering her. if she showed other signs of anxiety, i would have been more involved with it. but i found that observing her and making sure she was alright otherwise worked for us. Yeah, what's up with Roccor down there? Who is that? please. in fact, i had a conference with dd's teacher today and we talked about dd's reluctance to approach her with issues. when i told her how dd didn't speak to adults at all till she was six, she was surprised. dd is fully engaged in class, contributing to discussions and giving oral presentations. she's actually quite the performer, she loves to imitate her favorite kids in the hall and flying circus skits. i'm not saying that "SM" is never a sign of something serious, or that i don't feel for parents who have this in their kids and worry. just saying that when your kid doesn't like talking to adults, that doesn't necessarily need to be diagnosed, labelled or treated. but i would only do so if other signs showed up. i.e. betwetting, developmental delays, signs of fear around adults, aggressiveness, passivity or whatever but dd had none of that. she stood up for herself. and when the one teacher felt it was "rude," dd came home jabbering about how silly she is and what a "big deal" she makes about stuff. oh and never, ever poison kids. particularly for a "disorder" that is essentially just inconvenient to adults trying to keep a structured schedule. It's not a new thing; I had it as a kid and I'm 34 now. I didn't speak to anyone outside my immediate family until I was 6. Not anyone, not one word. If she's talking to the other kids I'm sure she'll be fine. I know when I was starting to get over it the first people I talked to was a few kids at school. Then they would do the translation thing for me too; I would say things to them and have them tell the teachers. But what you said about her getting so upset about being reprimanded by the teacher I totally identify with. I would be in tears for hours if anyone other than my parents gave me even the smallest reprimand. In my case it was definitely extreme anxiety. I would try to be invisible so no adults would speak to me and when one did, I wanted to just sink into the ground. My parents would try things like taking everyone out for ice cream and tell me I couldn't have any unless I ordered it myself. I wouldn't recommend doing anything like that! Trying to make her talk or making a big issue out of it will make it worse, because it becomes such a big deal. After awhile, I remember wanting to just say something, but I was scared of the reaction people would have to hear me talk and the big deal that would be made out of it. All they really did for me was to take me to counseling, but of course it did no good because I wouldn't speak to the counselor! What finally made me talk was a teacher who suggested I read a book out loud to my class. It took about a week for me to build up to be able to do it, but I remember feeling like it wouldn't be so bad because I was just reading someone else's words instead of saying my own. So I'd say it has something to do with anxiety for sure, but you never know; she may just be shy. Thanks for sharing this - I found it really helpful. So do you think I should just not make a big deal over it and see what comes of it? All these websites I found talked about behavioral therapy and psychologists, and I got freaked out. To me, it just seems like a phase, or part of her personality - not a "disorder." If you don't mind me asking, do you have anxiety as an adult? Yeah, I totally have anxiety as an adult. And that's definitely what made me not talk as a kid. I saw a show about on the ABC news, until then I had never heard of it. |
I can empathize with you. We just found out that our daughter had SM in August of 2007. The key is to seek a Psychologist as soon as possible, or try to speak to as many experienced parents as possible and try to elmploy what is suggested. First thing first, the teacher should not reprimand her at all for not speaking, she does not refuse to speak as her Teacher may believe. It sounds like your daughter have a text book case of SM. Please feel free to join the new Selective Mutism Support Group forum and tell your story and ask questions. http://smsg.baseman.ca You will have to try and meet with your Daughter's future Teacher before she attends the School and give all the information that they will need to know.
Thank you,
Rob Cormier
There will be a website (Educating to end the Silence) soon to complement the fourm.