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I had a worst mother of the century moment yesterday.Submitted by peculiar old bird on Fri, 04/04/2008 - 1:47pm.
You can read about it here. Sorry for dragging ya'll to another site but it's quicker than cutting and pasting right now. Please go easy on me because I'm feeling vulnerable right now. I understand that I fucked up. peculiar old bird's blog | login or register to post comments | email this page | printer friendly version
Actually, I find your story rather sweet. You know? You and your child "Religion is for people who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for I feel you--and we have ALL been there. Its okay. don't be so hard on yourself, mama. We ALL have these days. I've called Ava the same thing so I know how you are feeling. I am spring cleaning the house tomorrow, so feel free to call me anytime to chat. Hugs, M. maybe yesterday was a mama's last nerve day all around 'cuz i got a bit snarly with dd after a series of misadventures yesterday evening. it more or less ended when she had been shrieking and crying in her booster seat in the moving car for about ten solid minutes 'cuz she wanted to stay home alone {!!!} instead of go on this errand with me {which i understood insofar as we haven't been home enough this week - too busybusy, but not insofar as long minutes of solid shrieking . . .}, and i said in that tightly controlled tone that always made me feel like shit as a kid when my ma used it, "look, dd, i need for you to calm yourself down now because i don't want to lose my temper." and then of course, i felt guilty about how fast she calmed down 'cuz i thought, oh, shit, am i that scary?! last week, i gritted out, "don't piss me off." when she was AGAIN shrieking at the top of her lungs incessantly - that time it was 'cuz she didn't want to brush her teeth. she stopped, and afterward she told me i was scary. ack. on both occasions, we talked about it afterward, and i apologized for being scary and tried to talk about anger and frustration on both our parts, et cetera, but i've been busily crucifying myself 'cuz i'm so terrified of turning into my father, and not talking to anyone besides bd about it 'cuz i'm so afraid i'm already on my way blahblahblah. so, it was a huge gift to me to read this today and all the mama responses and say, whew, okay, i'm not alone in this struggle, and i'm not evil or on the express train to abusive bastard land 'cuz i'm struggling . . . THANKS SO MUCH for that!
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu dragon knows dragon i feel so much better now too.i think this way and then i think well i do want to be a teeny bit scary to her i was scared of my dad but not like abuse scared just parent scared if ya get the difference. i think the problem with all these wacked out non-respect showing kids is they never had that tiny bit of parental fear. Jessica i guess i just have a hard time knowing where that line is between abuse-scared and just parent-scared, so i tend to just want to stay way the hell away from the general vicinity. what i'm going for is considerate/empathetic, respectful, but yet bold and self-assured, and i keep trytrytrying to explain and model these for Morrigan, but some part of me is wondering if they just have to be initially rooted in some kind of awe/fear, ya know? that seems to be how most non-human mammals manage it, but that still leaves the very pressing issue of where the line is. ::sigh:: this shit just ain't easy.
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu dragon knows dragon we're shooting for the same thing i want to be the cool "friend" mom but not the dumb ass "oh i thought i should let my kid try heroine so she'd know what it's like friend" mom ya know what i mean? My mom did a kick ass job at that and i could tell her anything but i knew i better listen to her ass ya know? Jessica i want her to come and talk with me about everything and anything and also to be considerate and respectful, and i'm hoping i can manage that with a heap less fear of me on her part than i had of my ma!
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu dragon knows dragon YOU just made me feel a whole lot better. thank you. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb it occurred to me that i should tell you why your response made me feel better... you made me feel less alone. more human. normal, if you will. and i really appreciate that! everyone's responses here help me to remember to be as genuine as possible with my struggles in mothering, and life in general, and that is all i can do to give the very best to my children. love you all so much! A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb to paraphrase your affirmation. i do so appreciate you and the other mamas here for sharing space where that's possible . . .
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu dragon knows dragon I feel better. I confess: I was feeling very badly that I said "Fuck" and "Christ" this morning when Nolen knocked over my cereal, and then shut down my laptop by banging on the keyboard. He started whining and wanted to nurse and I refused and sent him with my husband screaming to daycare. I was also a bitch to my husband this morning while he was trying to be helpful. This sunny weather here came just in time- I am too stir crazy and stressed for my own good. I'm going to try my best not to give the kids treats tonight to make up for my guilt. Yes, I have done similar. I always suffer like you after. I am re-reading The Mother Trip and it has very reassuring things to say about moments like these. Sometimes my kids are little a**holes but then again some times mama is a big one. Chicken or the egg? I don't know.. You are an excellent mama. We all are. Proof? The fact that we spend so much time together here trying to work it out and do the best we can. I have a friend who is a detective working with child abuse cases. I won't let her tell me all the stories cuz I can't take it but she tells me emphatically that she knows I am a good mama because I CARE. Evidently some just don't. THis helps me cuz if I am worried about being a good mama then chances are I am a great one. Same goes for all of us... The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing. Our kids are almost the same ages, and holy shit is my 3.5 year old testing me & DH. We even brought the conversation of spanking to the table (denied, but we were close). She's awesome and independent and has a crazy temper. In the past 3 weeks or so she has even kicked me in the shins!?! When did that happen!? And she threw the toilet training seat at my DH's head. Life has been *sweet* here lately. It takes every ounce of my will to not screech obscenities and call her names. Our last big blowout I just screamed jibberish while pulling my own hair as darling 3.5 year old lay on the floor spitting and kciking and peeing her pants. AWESOME! I can't remember where the baby was at the time..probably getting chewed on by the puppy. POB, I feel ya. We have to take every argument gone awry as a learning experience for them and us. They NEED to know their actions have consequences (no candy, mama freaking out on occasion). They also need to know EVERYONE gets mad and yells. We've started making rules about how we show our anger. Throwing soft things in private (not at people) and stomping on the floor and screaming are OKAY when we are mad. Throwing things at people, hitting, screaming, spitting, kicking - not okay. Every time I feel guilty about yelling, I think about the alternative - bottling it all up and feeling resentful. That's not cool either, we are HUMAN! Despite the bad days I have to remind myself that i am a really great mom. My friends and family are wowed by my patience (heh), my kids are smart and happy and sociable, 95% of the time things are close to perfect - those 5% are just haunting. We, too, are trying to recognize the triggers, and cut everyone some slack on tenuous days. And just like you, have an open, honest conversation when everyone is calm. It sounds to me like you are doing a really great job. Why does ice cream always have to go downhill? WTF? for specifics of what i've said in the vein of "you're being a ____." all i remember is that i try not to, and i try to model what i think is a reasonable response to anger. but it's alright to get angry and show it, and it really does happen. people do make mistakes, and you'd be doing no one any favors by masking yours from max and acting like some bizarre mutation of yourself who does not respond naturally to a loud obnoxious kid jumping all around the car. what would that teach him? seriously. you made a mistake because you were angry and you acknowleged it to him because you love him. what better teaching is that? it does not get any better than that. we get angry & show it. I also try to model goods ways to deal with anger, but I curse sometimes & slam a door or 2. When I was sick last week (& unknowingly pregnant) S was to total f**king brat & I reacted in ways I wasn't proud of. At the same time, I tried to get her to understand that we are a family & we support one another. It doesn't matter if it is daddy, me or one of the girls, if a member of our family is sick, we all ned to respect that & be extra kind. It is all a learning process. I make mistakes ll the time, but I try to learn from them. I can't speak for everyone but I have said inappropriate stuff to my kids as well (a snapped "shut the fuck up" is only one example) and while I agree that it isn't adult behavior, it is the way we adults behave sometimes-- because kids are challenging as all hell and lovable and fun but also can be colossal pains in the ass. "I'm drowning and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils" I had my reality check moment this week when I heard my 2 year old son repeat back to me the thing I say when I get annoyed..."okay , okay okay Okay OKAYYYYYYYYYYYY!" It wasn't what he said but the way he said it (loud, rising to crecendo, ending with a big sigh). Even when we try to censor our colorful language, kids pick up on things. Now I try to count to ten, put myself in the moment (because you are absolutely right- they live in the moment and everything is immediate) and remind myself that it is hard enough to grow up without adding an impatient (if only human) parent to the mix. I too have many coping techniques that work really well. And I am very patient. It is definitely a tried and true method to pause in the heated moment and to then look at the situation from Max's point of view. If only I had did that yesterday... A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb ...it's just a little swear word. And even though you slipped up, you explained to him that you didn't mean it and you were sorry. Do you know how many parents have a hard time telling their kids they are sorry? That makes you a star parent as far as I'm concerned! Hugs and love to you from me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I think we all have our shining moments. You apologized & he accepted that. Nuf said. I'm sorry mama, I certainly have been there too. A good friend of mine likes to remind me that our children often get to see side of us that nobody else does... and sometimes it's not pretty. Just as we see their stuff too. We are but human & it is ok for our kids to see that we can be pissed off instead of stuffing our frustrations. I have had enough mad rants that now I can simply say " don't piss mama off" & he gets the drift... at least most of the time. Hugs. First of all I want to say, that it happens. I know because yes, I have swore at my child prob using those exact words. Its F*%cking hard to parent a wild 3 yr old, in my case a 4 yr old. You did the right thing by apologizing, and more than once. YOU ARE HUMAN! There are some days I just want to pull my hair out, shit is going to happen! HUGS, because not all days are going to be like this one was. |
did i make you smile at least! squint your beautiful eyes at the screen and shake your head?!!
i'm your friend, never forget that!
how about when your hard headed teenage son pushes on you to the point of snapping and you call him an asshole and tell him to get the fuck out of your house?
yes, i did this on the same day that you hollered back into the universe!
did i feel bad? yes. did i apologize? yes. did my son push me beyond my point over driving lessons that i've offered to pay for a 100 times, when i don't have the money, and he's constantly held it over my head? yes. and did he back out for the 40 billionth time, just as i was about to pay for it, set set the practice drive time up with his dad? yes.
and guess what? did he tell me that it wasn't "good enough", and that he couldn't "pass it", after years of listening to his incesant bullshit, lies, exuses, retardation? yes.
let's add in the $500 course that his grandparents paid for over a year ago. did he not learn enough then? his insecurities get in the way, and cause him to be stupid/make stupid decisions. not my problem.
and yes, this offically makes my son an asshole!
not permanently, but on thursday at 7:47 pm, when i'm in tears in the kitchen, and i'm fed up, tired, hungry, way over worked, blah blah blah.
i'm laughing right now!
bottom line - it was a small mistake in the world of mothering that max will not remember. i swear.
and when my son reminds me that i called him an asshole, you better believe that he'll get reminded AGAIN, that yes, he was acting like one, and YES, i shouldn't have said it outloud. and YES, i will remind him again, that i'm the only adult that stuck around to deal with his ass, period. he's literally driven everyone else away.
(that last part might seem harsh, but it's the truth).
(on a hystercial note, i kind of don't even regret it! i'm a single parent and overworked. the world, and yes, this includes my own son, can offically kiss my fucking ass if they think that i'm not doing "enough".)
i know me, and you know you.
fuck the rest!
hearts,
dc
slayer of giants, bad things, monster's and other shit!