About Us & WelcomeHip Mama is a magazine bursting with political Interested in subscribing to the print zine? Click Here If you're new here, please take a moment to click around and check out the options.
|
why is it so hard to meet chicks? Me whining about lack of female energy.Submitted by PattyCakes on Mon, 03/31/2008 - 8:59pm.
fuck me. I don't understand. Is it just most chicks are straight and they pretty much get concerned with their male counterparts life and all his friends? I mean where are they? Are women just always 100% of the time consumed with taking care of their kids, running errands, playing wifey and spending time with their extended families? Are single moms just so busy busting their ass that their dance card is full? I don't want to sit around here the next couple months while this divorce moves along and we get situated and watch my soon to be ex run around with his best friend playing disc golf, going to drumcircles, bars and avoiding me while I get to either sit here by myself or wander through some strange city feeling even lonlier, or meet up with people (men) that really just have some agenda and make the situation worse, because as all you single moms know, he may not be my man, but he sure will still be as jealous as if he was. Yeah, I can get out of the house with the kids and take the to the park, but thats the antithesis of fun for me. And I feel dumped on by it. Oh, Daddy needs some down time so him and his buster ass best friend are going to go do something kid free and meet people and I can take you guys to the McDonalds play place or the or The Childrens Museum and be alone in my head like always stewing in it. Funny how hes exerting his independence that hes always craved so badly but was afraid to say convienently enough when his loser as buddy is here to go do things with but me finding solitary activities that are low cost is a great substitute for human contact. I hate him today. Didn't have time to read all the responses but I just want to say that as corny as it might sound the best thing you can do is be yourself and just keep getting out there... eventually you will meet people who like you for you, ya know? I used to have this friend who a lot of people didn't like because she's loud and kind of abrasive with a very crude sense of humor. Naturally I loved her from the start! She, for better or worse, was just herself take it or leave it. While a lot of people were put off by her, there were those like BD and myself who fell in love with her- usually where accepting people are there are more to follow- you become friends w/ their friends, etc. I think this particular person spent a lot of time very lonely before she started to find people who appreciated her personality. And you know what? After a while she got a taste of "popularity" or whatever you want to call it and started to care about what other people thought. It was like she remembered what it was like to be so lonely and was afraid of that happening again. She started tapering her personality- holding back. To the point that eventually I stopped hanging out with her because she wasn't the same person anymore. She had a lot more friends but I missed my friend for who she truly was in all her loud, abnoxious glory. So while bringing out the dark sense of humor and "radical" beliefs might put some people off or offend them, those are probably not the kind of people you want to be friends with anyways. I know it's WAY easier said than done but don't take rejection to heart. Keep getting out there and meeting people. Sooner or later you'll find women who love who you are and then you'll have some genuine friends. And if not you're no worse off than before, right? I really do. I mean, honestly, this is why I am here. Even if I had the childcare lined up, I wouldn't be able to muster the energy to go out with my "fun" friends for a night that begins at 10 pm and ends somewhere around dawn. Plus what the heck would we talk about? And moms here, my god -- I have tried to strike up conversations but I get the weirdest vibe -- first of all, I am way younger (or feel way younger) than all of these women (for the record, I am 32), and not as well-established. Plus, I get drama from people for working, like it was a choice (and why is it that if I were a man and worked full time and my wife stayed home and worked a couple of days a week, no one would think a thing of it, but in my case, everyone makes a BFD about what a saint dh is and treats me like I am a reptile?). Sorry folks, I happened to have the job with the benefits. I don't remember the last time I really had "everyday friends" -- you know, the ones whose houses you can just drop by and have coffee or whatever, the ones who aren't so heavily scheduled that you have to make a fucking appointment to see them (ALL of my friends require appointments, it sucks). Everyone juts has too much going on for spontaneity. So do I these days. A couple of people suggested groups, stitch n bitches, or whatever -- it would be a good way to get out of your house and get to know people. I tend to come off a little abrasive, a little weird, and you know, I am never wearing the "right" jeans, so it takes a while for people to get used to me. Hang in there Patty. it's hard mama. i moved away from my hometown 11 years ago and i still do not have any friends here. i don't trust most people and everyone i try and befriend ends up being out for themselves so i quit trying years ago. my best friends are still the few folks from high school that I rarely even talk to. and of course my hipmamas BUT IRL just aqauintances(sp) i know. i wish you luck mama all you can do is keep putting yourself out there and talking to people. Jessica I used to feel exactly this way until I realized that it was my judgemental ways that kept me from making any friends. Not saying that is you, but it sure was me. I have total main stream friends who don't mind the tatoos and slight crunchiness. Appearances don't make the person who they are and I had to stop judging women based on their looks and after talking to them I found that you can always find something in common. you have been and are going through a ton of shit. New baby, older kids' and their new phases, a disintegrating marriage - you have your hands full. It is during difficult times that we crave close friendships the most - and paradoxically, it is also when they are hardest to make or maintain. While I was pregnant and miserable, my friends fell away, those I was trying to initiate would also fail due to a lack of interest or a lack of energy. Oddly, my newest best friend is a woman I met months ago and basically wrote off. She's been persistent and patient, because our kids got along so well, and now we talk pretty much every day. On the surface we make for strange friends - she's down with Jesus, I'm not, I'm an organics freak, she's not, she used to do lots of drugs, dropped out of school, got pregnant then married, I've only done those drugs that grow out of the ground, I went to college, my marriage and kid were part of a well-thought-out life plan (well, at the time I thought so) - and yet we're both open and honest people who have more in common than not and we enjoy discussing our differences. All the female friends (save one) I've made since having kids have been mothers. I like it that way, we can gripe about parenthood without being afraid that we have to moderate our comments (ie. saying "I wanted to chuck my screaming baby out the window" would shock someone who has never dealt with hours with a clingy, crying babe. The same comment garners nods from the parental crowd). My M.O. is to get out as much as possible and to be honest but not totally raw. A little like dating, I save my big opinions for later dates - I usually steer conversation away from topics like spanking and circumcision - but if asked, I answer truthfully. I try not to worry about being judged, I am confident that I am a good mother, a fun person and I know I screw up sometimes. I am one of those people who has trouble keeping in touch with other people. I let emails rot in my in-box and forget to return phone calls. That's just how it goes, I try very hard not to do it and it is getting better, but I will never be one of those people who always responds to every message. Yeah, it can be rude, but it is also part of who I am and friends of mine are people who can forgive that. When it really felt like my life was circling the drain, I had to make a really huge effort not to whine all the time. It took losing a good friend to even see that I had been doing it. She called me on it and after being really defensive, I started to think about what she'd said - I started listening to myself and she was right, I was being incredibly negative (I was depressed but in denial about it). Anyways, I don't know if any of this helps, or even makes sense, but I would totally be your friend PattyCakes. Think of it a little like dating - you meet lots of people who you don't have a future with to find the one (or two) that you do. The key is to have fun while you're at it. Best of luck with everything. "But they are pretty much incapable of being my friend." No. Women are not incapable of being your friend. The question you should be asking yourself is, "can I be a good friend to another woman?" "Is it just most chicks are straight and they pretty much get concerned with their male counterparts life and all his friends?" No, women need friendship, partnership. No one wants to be alone for very long. And ALL the women I know who fall into the category of "conventional" are anything BUT interested in their male counterpart. As I read this I was thinking a couple things. One, the word “chick” is really offensive and condescending. I had not realized this until I read your post. I mean, I knew other people feel offended by that word, but this was the first time I felt how degrading it can sound. And two, it sounds like you need to go easy on yourself in the social department. I’m reading a lot of projection of negative feelings about yourself going towards women in general. I hope that you can sort that out and come back to a place of having love towards yourself. You sound like you’re really critical and negative towards women but yet, you don’t understand why you can’t meet any? Take each one of us you meet as an individual - no matter how boring and ordinary we may seem to you on the surface - and you will find out just how amazing most (dare I say ALL?) women are. Good luck. You sound like a cool “chick’ yourself - a bit cynical - but cool none-the-less. Are women just always 100% of the time consumed with taking care of their kids, running errands, playing wifey and spending time with their extended families? Busy, yes. Consumed? Sometimes that goes with the territory of family life. This doesn't mean there is nothing else going on in the lives of women with family. However, if you don't get to know other women intimately, you will never see just how amazing they are. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb I was talking about men being incapable of being my friend. I don't trust their inetntions, they always confess to something more stirring or going on emotionaly or they throw a big hairy explosive fit or snub me when they get attached to a woman romanticaly, unless they are queer, but I don't have to twist their dang arm to meet me someplace and have some conversation. I am not in the mood to deal with justifying my term chick, maybe I'll apologize one day when my heart hasn't been ripped out and kicked stabbed and ran over. For now, I hope you'll just cut me some slack. I just think the older we get and more time is consumed with responsibility lots of women would rather take that free time that could be dedicated to taking a chance with somebody new and spend it with somebody like their sister. Besides, when I meet an intresting women in a strange town, what do I do? Keep showing up where I know she'll be hoping to jar her intrest in wanting to go do_______. That makes me feel like a stalker. And I am a cool chick. Thats an understatement. I rock. Sorry, I read that wrong! Gotcha. My closest friendship took three years to develop into something I knew would last and another two years to get to a point where we are both raw with each other. It took me time, patience, and the knowledge that I am worth getting to know for that friendship to get to were it is today. She has been to both of my kid's births, she isn't a mom (is planning on it, though), listens to me talk about my kids/family life all the time, and works around my schedule to hang out. Don't give up, you'll meet other women who you think rock, eventually. And true, don't judge a book by her cover. I have made that mistake many of times and it always turns out to be one of the best books I've ever opened. Even though I too am cynical, I force myself to be open to new people who may not come off right away as someone I'd want to know. Anyhoo... rambling now! Oh, I don't really care that you use the word, "chick," or feel you need to change it or apologize. I was just telling you what my internal reaction to it was. I have no expectations from you do write any differently. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb one more thingy... are you more interested in finding folks to kick it with, without needed closeness/intimacy? maybe i should read your post again! A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb closeness and intimacy as in naked- no. I do have lots of closeness and intimacy via phone 3,000 miles away with a gay guy, but its not the same as being in a realshionship where we could go feed popcorn to birds or play at the makeup counter and infect them with all our diranged germs. I could care less about sex. I don't even enjoy it really. ah. i see. you and i are really different in this aspect because i have always been the one who seeks out intamate friendships with people i can spend time face to face with. i do have intamate friendships with women via phone because we used to hang out before they moved. but mostly, i NEED friendships with women in my own area or i get really depressed. and as far as just knowing a lot of folks, i have that aspect of a social life, too, but with each person there is still a certain level of realness that extends beyond just having someone to hang out with. anyway, talking about myself too much. nothing new there. put yourself out there and don't give up. and keep coming back here for a little internet connection! oh, when i say intamate, i don't mean "sex" i mean having a real connection with another person that goes beyond just partying/hanging out. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb sometimes we are consumed, and those friendships that mean so much to me are the ones that exist in small bites between crises. The neighbour I can sneak a smoke with, the playdate companion that I can help with household stains and other woes, the playgroup mom who just needs to hear that someone else finds this motherhood thing intolerable at times, the older mother who can remind me that this time is brief and precious, the online mothers who share their lives and their trials with me, my childless friends who actually enjoy my company enough to work around my schedule so we can slip out for coffee between feedings, my mentors, my co-horts. We're all consumed by something or another at different points - but not 100% of the time. Good points pob!! I also know the feeling of isolation you're describing (tho am not single mama). Do you have any kid-friendly drum circles up in Portland? Kid-friendly yoga classes? I met a really nice local mama in yoga when I went with the babe. I also load my two up in the stroller regularly and push them up the steep hills at the end of my street. I have met three cool mamas right in my neighborhood that way. One seriously lives across the street from me, and we didn't meet until last summer, when ds started screaming, "HEY!! HEY KID!!!" at her son. I hate making the first move too. You can't replace a mama friend in terms of having that bond where you can relate exactly to whatever crap is going on that day. It's hard to find people in the same boat. And, FWIW, I would not be put off one bit by the former dancer thing. One of my best friends for 12 years was a dominatrix. You get a fascinating insight into life and lots of wicked stories to tell! "Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson That really sucks. You guys have been through a lot and the stress definitely takes a toll. As for not making friends, are you talking about friend-friends or a lesbian relationship? I can't speak to lesbian relationships but here's my honest perspective of what's been going on with our friend-friendship and friend-friendship in Portland in general: When I first came here I made a point of trying to meet up with everyone here at least once. After each meeting I left at least one message asking to get together with people again. With you I put in a little extra effort arranging that shower because it was an opportunity to make friends. So that went pretty well and you dropped by a few times and we talked on the phone a bit and I thought everybody had a good time at that get together at my house with the Seattle mamas and then it seemed when we went out for my birthday with ascedarleaf that you and she had a great time talking and I was sorta in the way. I do think I got glared at a couple times by you. I assume it's 'cause I disagreed with you about a couple things, plus I had that thyroid issue and I usually give off bad vibes when I've got that, plus we were eating neurotoxins so I basically shrugged the glares off. The next day I felt homicidal rage because of the neurotoxins and didn't look forward to going out with people if that was going to happen to me again. So I invited you to my house that Tuesday. Maybe you forgot or something or couldn't get out 'cause the kids were napping but during the hours you had agreed to come to my house you were on hipmama. I was on here also, waiting for the doorbell and I kept seeing you on there wondering what the fuck. So I would have called about that but then I figured you were still pissed at me about whatever you'd glared at me for at my birthday meet up and kinda throwing it in my face by being on hipmama so I didn't call and decided to let things cool for awhile. Then you emailed me and asked if I wanted this dress you'd seen in a thrift store. I didn't want it 'cause I'm not a dress person mostly but figured at that point that it would be furthering the argument to just say no so I responded by emailing to ask more about it. The next email I got was a couple weeks later after I'd gotten home from vacation and by then I figured the dress had been sold from whatever thriftstore it had been in. At this point in the winter I was sick nearly every other week and didn't have the energy to put much more energy forward in a friendship where 2 things seemed to be going on: 1)I didn't seem to be cut from the right cloth to say the right things and 2)My ultimate goal in mama-friendships is getting the kids together at outdoor activities and this wasn't occurring. This is the friendship orgasm for me. Not everybody's goal is getting the kids together at an activity outside but this is pretty much what I try to steer my friendships toward. I won't be an exceptionally good match for people who like to get together with mamas for drinks because that involves 15 dollars an hour to a sitter, organizing at least a week in advance, and generally being exposed to eating stuff that fucks with me/Simon after I nurse him. I'm also not a good match for people who expect to double date with the hubbies or come to my house to eat 'cause foods just too fuckin' expensive for that shit. So if it seems to my friends that I have kindof a single-minded purpose at getting out with them and their kids this is where that's coming from. In the winter this is harder because everywhere costs money so I tend to slow down on asking people to go with me especially if they mention any money issues. So anyway, to continue the timeline of how I see our friendship going: you and J and the Drifter came over for frisbee golf which my family was totally excited about and we joined you and had a good time and a good conversation so I figured the rough spots were winter-sickness-money-bad-food-related and emailed you back when you asked me if I'd be into going to the Children's Museum. I mentioned what days over spring break I'd be free but haven't heard back from you. That email was sent before/at the beginning of spring break about a week and a half ago. I've thought about visiting, to reciprocate as you have dropped by my place a couple times but you haven't given me your address. I realize possibly you guys don't dig uninvited people showing up unannounced because I know you've mentioned here you like to keep the house clean but feel it's hard with little kids. I honestly don't sit around judging about stuff like that and goodness knows I've lived in shabbier nightmares than what you've described of your apartment but I can't drop by and reciprocate without an address. I recently also tried to call but found your old number disconnected. I was trying to say that it was cool you were taking that young woman in and I emailed you that instead like a day or two ago. What I see as the central issue in trying to be friends with you is I usually come at friendship from a tennis perspective. I hit the ball, then the other person should hit the ball. So if nobody hits back for awhile I let it drop. Then if you pick it up I will hit it back as I have done all along. It can sometimes feel like a mixed message to me if someone emails me to ask me to do something with them then I email back to agree and give possible times then I don't hear back for a few weeks and the subject is totally changed. Possibly J is deleting your emails to fuck with you? I don't know. Or possibly this blog is more about romantic relationships with women or else you and I don't vibe well from your perspective. To me I think we vibe fine. I think occasionally disagreeing and discussing divergent views of the same events is not a friendship ruiner and I'm certainly not thinking you are dumb/lame/bad for disagreeing with me. I certainly was not put off by anything listed in your list there and would have a hard time myself being accepted by anybody who tends to put labels on others like that because I am TOO a bunch of stuff. In friendships I don't tend to label people anything like that at all. If a friendship with Velma cools off it is because Velma thinks you don't like her. Period. With other mamas in Portland my experience is that everyones dance card is full as hell. What I try to do is if I get a nibble I take opportunites like somebody's fundraiser or somebody's birthday party to get over there and give the relationship some face time. I respond to just about every email I get unless its like "I'm going to check into blank and get back to you". I don't get a feeling that I don't vibe with people, though I occasionally get a feeling the other guy isn't interested. Make sense. Sorry to put this all out publicly but when i email sometimes the subject gets dropped. I'm really sorry J is being a dick and I look forward to going to the Childrens Museum if you are interested. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** I think this is great; so many times it's a mystery why a chain of events doesn't or does make a friendship gel, especially for those who don't have a ton of friends. We are so sensitive to nuances, that a series of misinterpreted looks or missed emails or whatever can change the course of a friendship. This kind of breakdown of the back n forth would be really helpful to me in understanding how my actions/inactions are interpreted.
dude, I so don't know what you are refrencing about glares and birthday meetups. I really don't. I know I wouldn't glare purposely at most people, with the exception of Jason. I don't think you've ever said anything I have found offensive once . Sorry about that. I am suprised seeing as I have an exceptional memorey. This wasn't about you, or had anything to do with you. I consider us friends, seriously but at this point in my life and yours, I don't think it would be appropriate to just drop by every other day or so and camp out, and I know that you wouldn't probably dig that anyway. I know your circumstances and your situation and respect that, and naturaly assumed you would take yourself out of this scenario, seeing as alot of women going through a divorce usualy don't keep that to themselves( don't need to dump crap on impressionable ears) and I need to be doing things that are trying to connect to the non-mothering part of me. I am now going to have all this free time and I am with my kids so much, that I need to force myself to do things that I don't think would be in your range of intrests, like maybe taking a day and driving to Seattle and seeing some shitty band. Alot of times mothering little kids as small of mine I like to keep 'em in an area where I don't have to apply myself every single second to their upkeep, remember when I first met you one of my kids was MIA, thats not all that fun, so sometimes if thats gonna be my option, I'd rather keep them carralled especialy since I have been pretty much been busting my ass keeping them occupied and quiet and safe and my personal effects in tact since the moment my eyes pop open. I wouldn't use this board as a catalyst to somehow grab your attention. I thought we were cool. And I love knowing your in the hood and we are on the same wavelength and all, but that sucks when you are the only one I know, dig? I swear on my kids lifes, I never recieved a response email about the museaum with time and what not. And trust me Jason could care less to spy on me and read my emails. He would drive my over to your house and dump a hundred dollar bill and pack a bag and tell me to take my time. I swear to god, the last email I got was you need my phone number and I think I answered it with I didn't know ( it got changed the day before or shortly before that) I will email it to you. I will own the glare-insanity then--see this is what that thyroid does! I spent years like that! I am actually amazed I have something of a grip still. LOL. I get that you need to connect to the non-mothering part of yourself and get a break. That is smart to do. Many vibes in finding someone who can do stuff like go to Seattle and see a band. You are totally right on that I can't. I want to be all things to all people, especially my friends, and as a single mama I get enough practice at bending the laws of reality that I begin to think anythings possible I do appreciate that there's a scenester thing going on in pdx in some niches. I insulate myself from it by not being into music/entertainment/nightlife. I hope you can find some people who can appreciate those activities with you minus drama. People get stuck in highschool mode sometimes I guess. There must be something going on with one/both of our email filters. I will check mine out. Another possibility is that when I organized my contacts folder I changed your name to your real name and away from what your emails come in as because I have paranoia of not being 100% sure who I'm emailing without the whole name. This could have fucked somehting up. I just got the phone number email, so that worked. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** this is fascinating to read, bc it just goes to show you; emails get lost, looks get misinterpreted, shit takes over and you may miss one thing but it could be the proverbial straw for someone else. I've been bad at the popularity game, bad at the approaching of ppl I think might make cool friends, so I'm just really sympathetic to this whole conversation.
I'm not trying to offend or put down or anything. Pattycakes is someone I like and want to hang with and she asked what's going on with trying to be friends with people. My insight is stated above. I'm feeling, right or wrong, like I'm getting mixed messages and mixed messages interfere with friendship. I am open to hear that perhaps it is I who is giving mixed messages. I would like to get it cleared up and as I stated above sometimes emails seem to go unresponded to. I also am beginning to feel some frustration with the hipmama board that when I vent in my blog about friendship issues I get sometimes personal but helpful criticism that has helped me move my life forward while some others seem to get more support. Then when I try to offer helpful honesty people sometimes feel it is too harsh or personal. *shrug* I am doing my best and wishing others the best. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** I know nothing about your relationship, obviously, so I shouldn't have said anything. It just seemed like something that should have been worked out between the two of you, not on a public blog site. I also know nothing about the etiquette of blog sites. That may well be my bad. If she wants me to delete it I will happily do so. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** I keep my dark sense of humour to myself initialy , I try and stay neutral on subjects that may be offensive or contrary to Jane Q Public, and still nothing. It can't just be me that feels this way. could this be part of the problem? could it be that you're not being yourself and tehrefore people can't become interested in you, because they don't know who you are? are there any groups of people who meet and talk about things you're interested in? stitch n bitch, political action, anything that you are genuinely interested in, so that you don't feel like you're hiding yourself to be liked?
I tried that forever, and always got negative flack, like I was offensive. It seemed like wherever I went I was viewed as abrasive and just plain wrong. When I am myself, I might as just drive them away in droves. It seems great at first put then I get such horribly negative feedback that after awhile I just gave up. A common excuse I hear from people I know is that, "You are really real and a blunt person and speak the truth and people don't like that." Alot of women too have made judgements on me for my lifestyle. I never have a problem with lesbians, but for being a city of them they sure are elsusive. I have also heard that alot of people don't like sarcasm and find it is "very negative" or they take witty word play as making them feel stupid. I also get the whole "women are incredibly jealous and are intimidated by you " pep talk constantly and patronizing excuse/peptalk makes me wanna gag myself, especialy everytime I see beautiful exciting intresting women they are never alone. I don't know how to do anything, and my intrests are only intresting to me I think. I like to buy shit and I like to get inebriated, I do neither very often. Maybe I am the boring one. I'd like to workout, but everytime I run an excercising add, i get alot of people intrested spontaneously and then nothing. Then theres the whole talking to people in public thing, and I always feel terrible when I am getting the brush off, makes me just want to stop trying. Or who knows, maybe I am "this crazy lady I ran into at the park today." I feel you. Especially a year or two ago. I felt very isolated, and all of my friends happened to be men. I felt somewhat sexy about that until we all figured out that they're all gay. Then I despaired at being the proverbial fairy godmother. *sigh* I ALWAYS hear the "women are intimidated by you" thing. It's so irritating, especially because there's NOTHING about me that is intimidating that other people can't do. Talk to the media, organize a protest, raise a kid, be vegetarian, ATTEMPT to live ethically--these are the kinds of things they're talking about, yet honestly, these are very normal things that many, many people do. I'm very irritated by that phrase at this point. I'd say don't try so hard. Don't isolate yourself, either, but find some affinity group--hit up a co-op and post a tear-off ad for a stitch & bitch or something along those lines in which you're interested. MeetUp.com is amazing for that, if it's active where you are. I hope some of this might be helpful, or at least reassuring. it sounds like a simple thing but being "true to yourself" is a whole lot harder than it sounds. i was totally talking out of my ass, i don't have success like that, it's just that i noticed that my best friends are the ones i met and never tried to put on any airs. sometimes i would be in an embarrassing situation and had little choice but to be totally candid with people, or we had a mutual friend who we both fell out of favor of, or something like that. but as much as i try to be authentic with people, i often find in retrospect that i'm not. blunt and direct don't always equate with honesty. i too am spoken of like that, that i am blunt or real or honest, but that's only part of being truly who you are, and though i can be very direct, it doesn't always coincide with being honest, kwim? or maybe true is a better word. then you get into the issue of when you are totally true to yourself, how many people will like you? you seem to think not many in your case. i don't know how objectively true that is, but i think of it this way. and it is cliche, but who do you want people to like, you, or some weird mutation of yourself that you created not to repel people? theoretically, if you do repel people being totally true to yourself, is that not still better than attracting people who like you for something you're not? because you always get found out. personally for me, i have found that i am a very few close friends person, rather than a huge social network person. people with droves of "friends" don't have friends in the sense that i do. they have people with whom they drink or gossip but they have no more, and often less, real connections with people than i do. life is lonely, there will only be a few special people in your life. at least that's what i'm observing about it in my 39th year. sometimes i wish i was one of those lots of friends people, makes for an easier time making plans. sometimes i wish i could just pop in at a friend's for tea, but my only friends live to far for that, and i haven't made any connections with local people. kwim? fuck the "true" connection, let's have a drink. but, i'm not wired that way. people don't know what to make of me and don't react to me that way for a long time getting to know me. and even once they get to know me, they don't always want to be my friends. i find that i have the best responses from people when i lay right out there who i am, and that includes weird social interludes and putting people off. i find i do best with people who don't feel like they have to explain my bizarre humor to their friends, nor their friends to me, kwim? i do best with truly independent people. but this missed connection thing, this elusiveness, it's the human condition. everybody relates to it. anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. we all just come up with ways to cope with it, or convince ourselves that we don't deal with it too. but everyone, without exception, does. there is no way around the fact that putting your real self out there is a risk. anyone worth a shit takes that risk, rather than hide behind (what they think is) a palateable facade. i feel like the risk of being found out for being full of shit, or the risk of rejection when people get to know me are greater than the risk of repelling people at the outset. i think it's a net gain. so.... where does that leave you? dunno, really, just thinking aloud. i can say i am doing ok in a new town meeting people, but it just goes slowly for me. i try to make sure that since people are judging me anyway, let them judge me for what i really am, rather than some bullshit front.
etta, i so wish we lived in the same town. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb thanks so much for the heartfelt elaboration. Its just hard to have that same mantra and then find myself in a situation where I just need to know people. I do understand what you wrote, being fake nice sweet neutral me never works either. those are really just observations, i have no success with meeting people. no one approaches me, i don't approach anyone. i only hang with people i already know, and most of them have moved to various places across the country. i do talk to other kids' parents, and people in my yoga class.... if i were looking to hook up with someone though i would have no idea how to make that happen. i mean with women, men are easy. men you open your front door and signal that you're open for biznezz.
But didn't have time to elaborate. I think this was a big thing for me for years and I've found the more true to yourself you are the more likely you are to attract those types of people that you can get a long with. Thanks for making this point
but many times might as well be. I really understand the feelings of isolation and loneliness you are experiencing. I have to go clean up dee so i can't get into it as much as I'd like but I wanted you to know i'm reading and you aren't alone.
|
It does suck to have only one friend in the area who's not really into/capable of some of the stuff you want to do. We were talking about that once I think. I've been in that spot before and it is very hard. 
I have solid friends close by, but would like to make more as my interests change. People often think that I don't like them, I guess I give off the stink eye that I really don't mean at all. I also don't share a lot about myself straight off, and so end up feeling misunderstood though I recognize by now that that's pretty much on me. I feel like I don't want to waste my time on people who are going to prejudge me.
Really I wanted to reply though to what's going on with your husband. Are you okay?
I'm in olympia; if you're ever up for the day we could try to hang out and not stink eye each other! In some ways I love the initial friendship stage, where you hear all each others stories and shock each other with your complexities. It shouldn't be so hard to find.