Don't have much time, but still need somewhere to vent
Okay, so tell me if I'm being a petty, whiney, bitch. (I probably am.)
Like I've mentioned before, my husband and I split up last spring over his drinking, his multiple infidelities and our realization that we just weren't on the same path anymore. So he moved to New York to pursue his dream and I stayed back in Texas with our son. I started delivering pizzas (!) so I could help us save up to move to NYC together, and kept the good-for-nothing, nearly-getting-assaulted-everyday job after he left as employment is pretty shitty in this town. Well, now that we're trying to work through everything again, he's now working two part-time jobs (that add up to 1 full-time job) while I go to school and watch over the kiddo. But I'm feeling neglected emotionally. Granted, he's just now getting over being sick, but this has been a constant problem throughout our relationship. In some instances, it's like having another kid and he's sometiems made life harder than it was when I was single (not to negate the difficulties of being single, but dammit, sometimes men can be a hassle). For example, he always leaves the car on empty when it's my turn to use it (there was even a time when I ran out of gas late at night outside of town trying to get to a filling station...he came to the rescue eventually), and today on my way to class I was about to hop on the bike only to find the tire was completely flat from when he last used it (thankfully my mom left me her car so I wasn't late), and then I discovered that he broke the effing blender when I went to make HIM a smoothie tonight as a surprise for when he got home from work! Argh!!!!
And then, tonight, he was an hour late getting off work (he waits tables at a fancy-pants restaurant), and although I knew logically that he just had a late table, my pessimistic brain was telling me that he was out drinking and screwing around on me again.
I was a little miffed when he walked in tonight, and told him about feeling neglected and how sometimes I just wanted to be taken care of. He said that I was ungrateful, as he's working two jobs to support me. Of course I'm grateful for that, but at the same time, I never get any time away from the family (except for the 9 hours I spend in class a week), even showers and baths are usually interrupted by him or Li'l Bug, and I'm carrying all the weight of the domestic duties (and falling behind, I'm afraid).
Now he's pissed at me because I'm being "unfair" and he wants me to get a job since "apparently I need the break from the family".
Basically, I'm still really resentful of him: his manipulation throughout the past five years of our relationship, his lies, his childishness/selfishness, the fact that he got to live it up in New York without ANY responsibilities (I had to threaten child support to get him to send any money), the fact that he's spent a significant more amount of time unemployed than I have, and that he's already stopped trying to win me back.
But, at the same time, I feel petty because at this very moment that I'm typing this he's got Li'l Bug in the bath and will be reading him stories and putting him to bed so that I can study (or write nasty things about him on hipmama) 
. I'm sure there are many women out there who would love for a man to be as involved with their children as he is with our son. Maybe I am being ungrateful.
I suppose I just need some perspective on this. Should I just suck it up and be sorry for "overreacting"? He's made it pretty clear tonight that I'm the one being the asshole. And maybe he's right.
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to meet your expression of feeling neglected by telling you that you're ungrateful, that to me is an ominous sign. that he resents having to do what he does, that he doesn't feel as though it's his job, that he's being generous, etc. kwim? i won't speak to the rest of your relationship, i just want to let you know how that hits me. it sounds like manipulative drunk talk to me.
He is being kinda assy. Although I'm sure that living life on the straight & narrow is a hard deal for him, even still.. he sounds awfully manipulative.
doubled
i agree with all that etta said. i know i'm coming into this a few days late, but i've been with the manipulative, emotionally abusive guy too and shit got worse and worse and worse. i left and came back and left and came back and his behaviors climaxed the night he bitched out on me to do coke (or maybe screw some chic, dunno?) while i was 30 hours into labor...he left me stranded. that was my wake up call...anyhow...i know you love him, i loved oceans 'dad' too, so much that i kept going back to him and believing he would be great...someday, but shit, i'm not about to suffer until that someday comes. there was no way i could allow my daughter to see her dad treating me the way he treated me...just remember that while it may be hard for your man to make this adjustment from selfish bastard to good man...it is in no way any easier on you or your little one! maybe a counselor would be good? i'm sorry if i'm being blunt and harsh, but i've just been there...you gotta ride it out though. my negativity could just be mistrust for the manipulation i sense here...just take care of yourself first! if you feel like he's not taking care of you the way you deserve, maybe take a step back...he is damn lucky that you have welcomed him back into your life. if he's not paying attention to your emotions, you need to be sure to, if not for yourself, then for that baby! it will be difficult to work through such a past, but i do believe anything is possible, with lots and lots and shitloads on top of that of serious work...both sides gotta be willing to put the time and effort in...there is no room for selfish bastard in situation like this...wishing you lots of love!!
i was thinking more along the lines of washing your hands of him. you don't owe him gratitude and acknowledgement for all he has done in that context. he's late, you're left in the lurch, you don't know what he's up to and you have very good reason i.e. historic example, to believe that he's doing shit that would be to your family's detriment, and he wants you to show gratitude when you talk about it? what are you going to do when he fucks up, preface every remark with a disclaimer "i know this is hard for you and i really appreciate you working to support your family, but ......" the fact is, and i don't want to get all lose-the-zero-and-get-a-hero on you, you are actually being generous to him by allowing him to come back and live with you and work two jobs to support his family. if anyone is owed any gratitude, it's you. he's privileged you took him back. seriously. you don't have to put it that way to him, but don't forget it in your own heart. he's lucky to work two jobs to support you. and let's not forget that most fathers don't leave their babies and partners for a year to drink and not have any ties to anyone. most fathers work those two jobs from the get-go and don't expect a cookie for it because they know that's their job and they live up to their responsibility because they want it that way. so for him to react to you in that way looks, to me anyway, that he doesn't think of his role in his family's life the same way most fathers do.
i have far too much experience with that kind of drunk-double talk, sadly. so when i say that's an omninous sign, i really mean ominous. like you are in for more of the same, dry drunk, blaming you for his difficulties and expecting worlds of concessions for dealing with shit that everyone in the world has to deal with anyway. i just hope you are being pragmatic and taking care of yourself.
does not mean that you couldn't stand to have it better. I mean, you are the injured party here. He owes you. And if he is not making it worth your while, well, you have proven you don't need him right? Don't settle. Your son is going to learn how to treat women by how he sees you treated.
"Like dear St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty: but in my case the marriage is not a success." Oscar Wilde
"Like dear St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty: but in my case the marriage is not a success." Oscar Wilde
Family work is hard work, too. So your feeling of being neglected is right, in my opinion. It sounds to me as if live is a sort of game to him, so he doesn't take his responsibilities. Drinking to much and talking such shit is a sign for that, isn't it? Getting children means to be a grown-up (at least most of the time) and not walk through live any longer as if it were mere fun. Of course you can still have fun but with all you do you have to keep in mind that you are resonsible for a child. The sort fun just changes. Parents have to be good example how people should behave. His drinking to much and the way he treats you is no good example.
At least that is my opinion.
...the lover, the dreamer, and me (Jim Henson)
it sounds like he was really shitty in the past and has damaged your trust, but it also sounds like now he is trying to make the family work.
the problems with your man currently are so common. it sucks to have to share responsibilities with someone who just doesnt get how to be considerate, but i dont think those points are deal breakers. being a parent is stressful. the parent working outside the home often feels like they are sacrafycing so much by working all the time, the parent with the child feels they are sacrafycing so much by devoting their life to maintaining the family.
if your man is worth staying with, you'll need to find ways rebuild your trust and learn how to look past his inconsiderateness to see how he can be a great guy... i am sure he doesnt leave the car without gas out of malice, he just doesnt pay attention, and that may never change.
i personally have loved having a part time job to help me feel independent of the family while helping provide for our needs, maybe you can find something to help balance it out.
...but I wouldn't be too happy about having my feeling of neglect be invalidated. This kind of thing really pisses me off- someone *especially* a partner who is supposed to voluntarily care- and so I have little tolerance. I also get pissed if someone tells me I'm "overreacting" as far as I am concerned this is code for "I don't want to deal with your emotions and so this is YOUR problem." Which is hella inconsiderate.
All of which is to say, no, I don't think you are being an ungrateful, whiny, assholey bitch etc. etc. Just because he is working hard and has addressed some of his issues doesn't mean that abracadabra! the relationship is perfect, know what I mean? All relationships need work, can be better. So so so many relationships do have this issue of the husband not really "hearing" or listening to the emotional needs of their partners, you are not alone! And so yeah, like huck said- maybe you have to decide if this is going to be a long-term problem, one that can be worked on and improved, or something you really can't live with right now (on top of trust issues, his manipulative behavior, all that).
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
You're grateful because he is doing his duty as a parent? NOT. it is also HIS JOB to help take care of the child regardless. I get so tired of that shit with men. carl would have an ass kicking if he ever told me i should be gratefuol he takes care of the girls HELLO he made em with me.like when the dads have the child they call it babysitting NO it's called being a parent.it doesn't sound like to me you are really over what ya'll have been through. everytime he is late you are going to have to worry if he is cheating? you do not need to waste your time or energy on that type of shit.he is lucky to have YOU mama and he is the one who should be grateful everyday he gets to come home to you and your child.i would let him read this post to air all your issues with him you don't need that mama.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
your husband makes me grateful for mine. And hes on my shit list three days out of the week. Hes so lucky you feel neglected by him, because it just doesn't seem like hes got much going for him in any department except for a loving strong supportive nurturing partner and all the bullshit hes done to you, and you still have a desire to share a life, let alone want HIS attention? He has no idea what a *saint* you are. I agree with Jessica, and Chris Rock. "Youre SUPPOSED to take care of your kids." Bah. I am not in a man positive frame of mind, but screw this. Doesn't he understand his place? Doesn't he get that its supposed to be you getting your ass kissed and waited on hand and foot and bought cheesy silly things and get cards and footrubs because he fucked up? Hes sounds like a jerk. And you deserve much much much better, so much so I wished I lived by you because I would treat YOU like you DESERVE in front of HIM. I would put gas in the car before you left, I would make you meals, I would clean up and you would find fresh flowers on a table for being a great chick. Yeah, thats one my husband's games- the gas thing and its just freaking rude. I bet yours also plays what I refer to as 'the garbage game'. where he sees how much trash he can stuff into one bag and lets it slide down into the container- okay enough digression. Another thing, dumbass man- going to school IS work. AND it benefits HIM in the long run even if you don't stay together because at the very least it benefits his child, so screw that guilt trip, hes not doing you any favors. Besides, he owes you. And if I could putr a dollar amount on the emotional damage he could or did cost you , he would be working for a really long time to pay you back. hmmmpf.
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I often forget how this adjustment from being a selfish bastard to being a good man might be hard on him. We talked late last night, and basically that's what he was feeling and why he was so accusatory and defensive: he didn't feel like I'd acknowledged the changes he had made already, and therefore felt pressured to be the instantaneously perfect husband.
I called him out on being manipulative, and he agreed and apologized. It's just that it's so exhausting always having to remind him what manipulation is...