I haven't posted in forever but I have been lurking.
I am at this point where I want to stop having a relationship with my mother.
I have always wanted to be one of those people who could maintain a relationship with their mother even though it wasn't working. But now I don't think I can and it's freaking me out. It's like the stand-by-your-man thing, only with a mother.
my mom has always been hard for me to deal with. She was a single mom supported by her working and her parents money. I stayed with my grandma and aunt and uncle a lot. My mom always told me there was something wrong with me, directly and indirectly. She was an alcoholic (or still is, but not drinking actively, but still has no solution, she just does other stuff). She did some mean hard bad stuff and was mediocre in other ways - you know the story. I was a "bad baby" I was a "manipulative little bitch" before I could speak or walk. ANyhow, I don't want to get into all of it. Not every interaction is bad.
Now I am an adult, married, have a 3 year old and had been doing pretty ok with her -keeping my physical and emotional distance for the most part. Oh, and my mom is sick all the time. No doctor is sure if it's real and she switches all the time. I am sure she is really in pain, but I don't know what's wrong with her - recently her "abdominal adhesions" were diagnosed as a hip problem and she had a hip replaced but now the problem, whatever it is, is worse. Add to that that she won't do physical therapy because it hurts and now she can't or won't get out of bed at all. SO because of the hip thing I had been talking to her on the phone a lot more. The hip thing was in january. And since I have been talking to her a ton I have had a host of physical problems that I have had to see a doctor for. I know it's weird but my husband once told me that he could tell I would be getting sick/having to see a doctor because I was talking to my mom a lot. And I look at it, and it's true. I don't know why. I know this all sounds so crazy.
in the last week she called to let me know my husband (who she hates) was leaving me (because she read some of his song lyrics online and interpreted them that way even though he wrote the song before he met me and it's not about me). She is angry with my three year old (and "hurt") because he asked her what was the matter with her (because, I think, she is in the bed every time he calls her) and told me he is a mean and critical person (and I know him and he really really isn't, plus, duh, he's three, he's just a baby practically).
I went to school to study film, made a bunch of films and she has always refused to watch them. They are not porn, not offensive and most of them are short too.
I know I am whining. I am at my wit's end. I feel like I am falling apart. I had a dream she died and I was relieved, not sad, and glad her suffering was over. The thought of not seeing her next time I am in her area excites me. We are visiting family in the area next month and I still haven't told her because I don't want to spend the next month fighting about how I don't want to stay with her - she would want us to stay there the whole time and she hates my husband, she is still mad at my kid, she can't get out of bed (though last time she was physically somewhat better, so it's not jsut because she is sick.).
I feel like a fucking drug addict hating myself and being drawn back into something that makes me sick. I want to be away from her. I want to be safe.
If when my son grows up I treated him like she treats me I would want to die and I wouldn't want him to come back for more. I would want him to be free and happy but I can't seem to make the leap. I feel so guilty for letting her down by not being able to help her or save her or like her.
I would never leave my son alone with her (never have either) and yet I can't make that choice for myself. Knowing that being around her hurts me (whether its my fault or hers or whatever) I stay. I don't want to keep giving myself to her. I have tried and tried to be ok and have a relationship with her too and it always comes to a point where I feel like this and back off and then go back for more of the same and I don't know if I can keep doing it and be ok. Every therapist I've ever had seems to diagnose her with mental stuff, to tell me to get away or get distance or get boundries...I don't know.