mom stuff (mine)
I haven't posted in forever but I have been lurking.
I am at this point where I want to stop having a relationship with my mother.
I have always wanted to be one of those people who could maintain a relationship with their mother even though it wasn't working. But now I don't think I can and it's freaking me out. It's like the stand-by-your-man thing, only with a mother.
my mom has always been hard for me to deal with. She was a single mom supported by her working and her parents money. I stayed with my grandma and aunt and uncle a lot. My mom always told me there was something wrong with me, directly and indirectly. She was an alcoholic (or still is, but not drinking actively, but still has no solution, she just does other stuff). She did some mean hard bad stuff and was mediocre in other ways - you know the story. I was a "bad baby" I was a "manipulative little bitch" before I could speak or walk. ANyhow, I don't want to get into all of it. Not every interaction is bad.
Now I am an adult, married, have a 3 year old and had been doing pretty ok with her -keeping my physical and emotional distance for the most part. Oh, and my mom is sick all the time. No doctor is sure if it's real and she switches all the time. I am sure she is really in pain, but I don't know what's wrong with her - recently her "abdominal adhesions" were diagnosed as a hip problem and she had a hip replaced but now the problem, whatever it is, is worse. Add to that that she won't do physical therapy because it hurts and now she can't or won't get out of bed at all. SO because of the hip thing I had been talking to her on the phone a lot more. The hip thing was in january. And since I have been talking to her a ton I have had a host of physical problems that I have had to see a doctor for. I know it's weird but my husband once told me that he could tell I would be getting sick/having to see a doctor because I was talking to my mom a lot. And I look at it, and it's true. I don't know why. I know this all sounds so crazy.
in the last week she called to let me know my husband (who she hates) was leaving me (because she read some of his song lyrics online and interpreted them that way even though he wrote the song before he met me and it's not about me). She is angry with my three year old (and "hurt") because he asked her what was the matter with her (because, I think, she is in the bed every time he calls her) and told me he is a mean and critical person (and I know him and he really really isn't, plus, duh, he's three, he's just a baby practically).
I went to school to study film, made a bunch of films and she has always refused to watch them. They are not porn, not offensive and most of them are short too.
I know I am whining. I am at my wit's end. I feel like I am falling apart. I had a dream she died and I was relieved, not sad, and glad her suffering was over. The thought of not seeing her next time I am in her area excites me. We are visiting family in the area next month and I still haven't told her because I don't want to spend the next month fighting about how I don't want to stay with her - she would want us to stay there the whole time and she hates my husband, she is still mad at my kid, she can't get out of bed (though last time she was physically somewhat better, so it's not jsut because she is sick.).
I feel like a fucking drug addict hating myself and being drawn back into something that makes me sick. I want to be away from her. I want to be safe.
If when my son grows up I treated him like she treats me I would want to die and I wouldn't want him to come back for more. I would want him to be free and happy but I can't seem to make the leap. I feel so guilty for letting her down by not being able to help her or save her or like her.
I would never leave my son alone with her (never have either) and yet I can't make that choice for myself. Knowing that being around her hurts me (whether its my fault or hers or whatever) I stay. I don't want to keep giving myself to her. I have tried and tried to be ok and have a relationship with her too and it always comes to a point where I feel like this and back off and then go back for more of the same and I don't know if I can keep doing it and be ok. Every therapist I've ever had seems to diagnose her with mental stuff, to tell me to get away or get distance or get boundries...I don't know.
- Henry's blog
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You're in a difficult situation and I want to acknowledge that and say that I'm sorry. I've had similar issues with my mother recently. As one example, my mother is also a hypochondriac and now that I live near her (her idea, NOT mine), I spend more time than I want taking care of her. Just last week I reached my limit with this and told her to call a doctor, not me. So I know this is hard.
But your therapists- and your gut feelings - are right. You are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over your boundries. I can tell because you say stuff like feeling guilty for not being able to save or help her. I know cos I feel like I have to help and save my mother too when she is hurting or in an abusive relationship (she keeps getting in and out of a relationship with the same emotionally abusive man). And this is brutal, but: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS TO SAVE YOUR MOTHER (or mine, to save my mom). The first time a therapist said this to me, I was like, huh? No, the problem isn't with me it's with her! But she was right, the problem was with me, my mother saw (sees) no problem in manipulating the hell out of me with her anxiety, her illnesses, her fear, her insanity, her bad relationships, etc etc etc. Our mothers, they don't want or need our help. If they wanted to change, they would. Somehow, it's really hard for us daughters to truly know this (we may know it intellectually but emotionally is a whole other thing). You've GOT to figure out a way to let her go. If you can't do it for yourself, for your own emotional and physical health, do it for your relationship with your husband, and for your son, who will soon start to experience her poison for himself. You cannot keep going back for more abuse. But it's hard to break the cycle-- you are in a co-dependent relationship (I think that's the right term).
You may need to cut off communication with your mom completely for some time. This may help you to construct boundaries that you can't create by being in touch with her so often. You may have to remove her entirely from your life. I know that other mamas here have dealt with this is a number of ways and I am sure will have suggestions and advice. Heed their advice, the advice of those who know you like your husband, the advice of your therapists.
The bottom line to recognize is that you cannot change her. Yes, she is out of line. But there's not a thing in this world you can do to get her to be in line! If only we could. You can only change yourself. And if you really want to do that, you can. You may need help, in the form of a therapist or your husband or other daughters who have had similar problems. But until YOU decide to do something, nothing will change, short of a miracle or a personality change on the part of your mother.
Sorry to be so brutal, I hope I don't sound unsympathetic. Because I *do* sympathize, having been there myself, to a lesser extent. But sometimes you need to hear the unvarnished truth (as I see it, as an outsider) to give you a kick in the pants. Be strong, Henry, I know you can do this.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson
You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom
I hope you can get to a sane place soon! This kind of thing is always more successful if you are feeling grounded and centered or however you want to put it. It's natural to feel scared and feel stuff a lot- this is not an easy situation and not an easy thing to do, what you want to do! Be gentle with yourself. And ask for help when you need it!!!
I'm Peace and joy to you, mama. They will come, eventually if not right this second.
it is time to step away. create an escape plan with back up. like what do you do the next time you are feeling like you are supposed to call? maybe you can write a blog here instead of calling. what do you do when she calls you? what do you do when you are back in her town?
it is time to establish boundaries. you dont need to confront her about it. that probably wont get you anywhere. decide what a logical, comfortable and safe distance is for her to be at... let your husband know so that when you start to cross the line he can help you get back. the greater the distance, the easier it will be for you to see how fucked up the situation is/was.
my dad and i have a very strained relationship. he has never been able to maintain contact with me for anytime. not really abusive, just neglectful. he cant help it, just like your mom cant help her menagerie of problems... but its not our faults. it is SO difficult to give up on a parent, but this relationship is never going to be healthy or productive.
I struggle with the same thing, with our different dynamic. I've gone back and forth with keeping in contact with her or not, and I'm ready to cut her out again. I try--because I would like to have some sort of functional mother daughter relationship, and because she's the only family I have, and because we have history and I can appreciate aspects of that. I find myself doing things sometimes that I got from her that I'm greatful for. I keep thinking that our aging will make us more mature, make us connect...but really I'm hoping she will change. What are your dealbreakers? I'm bending over backwards trying to accomodate my mother for who she is, see what kind of relationship we can have without my expectations, take what I can get. And every time it's thrown up in my face that she doesn't really care about me. She has no idea what's going on, and doesn't really care. But the big thing is that she doesn't care about my kids. She doesn't ask how they are. She's annoyed when I'm tending them on the phone. She's spent maybe? a few hours with my 2 year old--total--and we live in the same town. So what good is it? What's the point?
Sometimes I see it as choosing the better of two evils, and the better tends to change. My hope is that the experience makes me a better parent to my kids.
I'd like to hear your update!
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I actually agree with you when I feel sane about it but right now I am trying to get away from this and I'm all scared, so I waffle and whine and feel stuff a lot. Thank you, I want the truth. I also know I have a part in this, I am not her victim, but continuing this won't help either of us. so thanks.