I struggle with the same thing, with our different dynamic. I've gone back and forth with keeping in contact with her or not, and I'm ready to cut her out again. I try--because I would like to have some sort of functional mother daughter relationship, and because she's the only family I have, and because we have history and I can appreciate aspects of that. I find myself doing things sometimes that I got from her that I'm greatful for. I keep thinking that our aging will make us more mature, make us connect...but really I'm hoping she will change. What are your dealbreakers? I'm bending over backwards trying to accomodate my mother for who she is, see what kind of relationship we can have without my expectations, take what I can get. And every time it's thrown up in my face that she doesn't really care about me. She has no idea what's going on, and doesn't really care. But the big thing is that she doesn't care about my kids. She doesn't ask how they are. She's annoyed when I'm tending them on the phone. She's spent maybe? a few hours with my 2 year old--total--and we live in the same town. So what good is it? What's the point?
Sometimes I see it as choosing the better of two evils, and the better tends to change. My hope is that the experience makes me a better parent to my kids.

I'd like to hear your update!

it is time to step away. create an escape plan with back up. like what do you do the next time you are feeling like you are supposed to call? maybe you can write a blog here instead of calling. what do you do when she calls you? what do you do when you are back in her town?

it is time to establish boundaries. you dont need to confront her about it. that probably wont get you anywhere. decide what a logical, comfortable and safe distance is for her to be at... let your husband know so that when you start to cross the line he can help you get back. the greater the distance, the easier it will be for you to see how fucked up the situation is/was.

my dad and i have a very strained relationship. he has never been able to maintain contact with me for anytime. not really abusive, just neglectful. he cant help it, just like your mom cant help her menagerie of problems... but its not our faults. it is SO difficult to give up on a parent, but this relationship is never going to be healthy or productive.

You're in a difficult situation and I want to acknowledge that and say that I'm sorry. I've had similar issues with my mother recently. As one example, my mother is also a hypochondriac and now that I live near her (her idea, NOT mine), I spend more time than I want taking care of her. Just last week I reached my limit with this and told her to call a doctor, not me. So I know this is hard.

But your therapists- and your gut feelings - are right. You are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over your boundries. I can tell because you say stuff like feeling guilty for not being able to save or help her. I know cos I feel like I have to help and save my mother too when she is hurting or in an abusive relationship (she keeps getting in and out of a relationship with the same emotionally abusive man). And this is brutal, but: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS TO SAVE YOUR MOTHER (or mine, to save my mom). The first time a therapist said this to me, I was like, huh? No, the problem isn't with me it's with her! But she was right, the problem was with me, my mother saw (sees) no problem in manipulating the hell out of me with her anxiety, her illnesses, her fear, her insanity, her bad relationships, etc etc etc. Our mothers, they don't want or need our help. If they wanted to change, they would. Somehow, it's really hard for us daughters to truly know this (we may know it intellectually but emotionally is a whole other thing). You've GOT to figure out a way to let her go. If you can't do it for yourself, for your own emotional and physical health, do it for your relationship with your husband, and for your son, who will soon start to experience her poison for himself. You cannot keep going back for more abuse. But it's hard to break the cycle-- you are in a co-dependent relationship (I think that's the right term).

You may need to cut off communication with your mom completely for some time. This may help you to construct boundaries that you can't create by being in touch with her so often. You may have to remove her entirely from your life. I know that other mamas here have dealt with this is a number of ways and I am sure will have suggestions and advice. Heed their advice, the advice of those who know you like your husband, the advice of your therapists.

The bottom line to recognize is that you cannot change her. Yes, she is out of line. But there's not a thing in this world you can do to get her to be in line! If only we could. You can only change yourself. And if you really want to do that, you can. You may need help, in the form of a therapist or your husband or other daughters who have had similar problems. But until YOU decide to do something, nothing will change, short of a miracle or a personality change on the part of your mother.

Sorry to be so brutal, I hope I don't sound unsympathetic. Because I *do* sympathize, having been there myself, to a lesser extent. But sometimes you need to hear the unvarnished truth (as I see it, as an outsider) to give you a kick in the pants. Be strong, Henry, I know you can do this.