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Dealing with a 'friend'.Submitted by mnemosyne on Tue, 02/26/2008 - 6:46pm.
When ds was 3 we became friends with another single mom with son the same age. We have spent a lot of time together and been very close. The boys are best friends, now 10 and 11, but the mom and I have drifted. She's moved up and works a lot, I've added a man and a baby to my mix--things are different. A few months ago she was having difficulty with her after school care and asked if her ds could come to our house after school some days instead. We talked about how we'd have to be really good about communicating about schedules, and that we'd both feel akward with her paying me, but she could bring dinner once in awhile or otherwise show an energy exchange. It's not going well. I had called her early last week to talk about the schedule and also ask about some dates I'd like her to watch my ds. She never called back, until late last night to say she needs him to come to our house until 10pm tonight. Oh, and he needs to be taken to some extracurricular activity. Wtf? The boy is not the problem--he's like a second son and does great at our house. We all enjoy having him, for the most part. But if I need something from her I don't even get a call back, but I'm expected to be available with no notice? We have plans tonight that I'd rather not bring an extra kid to. Also there's been no 'what can I bring for dinner' at all. This doens't bother me so much, but it does s/o, who's the parent here half the time. I would apologize in a calm and firm voice and say "I'm sorry, I'm going to need more notice next time. We have plans this evening. Oh yeah! I was wondering how Blankday works for you for watching my ds?" Another possible idea is to make tonight work somehow and then call her and tell her things are feeling one-sided right now and that you'll need to see some reciprocity and respect (giving you more notice) before you can keep up this arrangement. Good luck, and I'm sorry she's not being a better friend. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** If bringing dinner over once in awhile or reciprocating care is too much for her right now, then you will not be able to watch him as often or will need payment. Whatever you decide to do, make the deal less casual and more binding. No reason to be taken advantage of if she isn't even being a friend. just my .02
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I'm sure you are great for the kid, but don't go overboard for the Mom. I have had bad experiences like this, where friends (or once-were-friends) asked for favours and I did them out of the kindness of my heart, thinking "friends do friends favours" only to either a) never have the favour returned or b) have the whole thing thrown in my face because some people hate being "indebted" (for lack of a better word) to anyone else. Hopefully she's not the latter, and will buck up and help out. But don't put out more energy than you can afford not to have returned. Hopefully that makes sense.
we've got to let love rule
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