I have a three and a half year old and a 10 1/2 month old as well, so I KNOW what you are talking about when you say anger. It can be blinding.
I go to a buddhist temple when I can and one of the buddhists there was telling a story one day at service about a person who was walking to work the same way every day. On the way, there was a huge hole in the sidwalk. Every day, the person would keep walking and fall right into the hole. Over and over again. And then one day, s/he was walking along and said, "Oh wow, there's a hole up there." and then continued to walk right up to it and fall right into it. Over and over every day. And then one day, the person was walking and saw the hole and went, "Oh wow, there's a hole up there." and was able to walk around it.
Seeing the hole you are walking into is PROGRESS. The only way they would be better off without you is if you didn't care enough to try and change.
Have you let them in on it? Let them know that mommy is trying to change how angry she gets and that from now on she is going to (whatever) instead...? Maybe mommy gets to have a "quiet room" of her own to go to...

and mine's only 18 months old (the newborn doesn't "do" anything yet to warrant my anger, though her crying makes me want to "put her away" some days). I've come so close to really hurting my daughter it scares me. And I've wanted to cry so desperately lately, but I just can't. And I always end up apologizing later. The thing is, unlike you, I get real breaks. I have good support and help, so those horrible moments don't all run into one. I wish I knew how to find you that kind of help, because I can't imagine how run down and alone you must be feeling right now. There's no doubt that it is really hard. So I'll send you some love and hope that you make it through this, and that you can find help soon.

personally, that is what i think will get you out of your behavior pattern. i don't think you're scarring them or damaging them, based on what you've said here. you're changing, just maybe you don't have the perspective to see the changes. just keep plugging along, improving and working through the setbacks. and remember, no mother is supposed to be even tempered all the time. it's ok to get angry at your kids, and ok to show it to them. the only thing it's not ok to do is hurt them.

I have to echo the other loving, compassionate responses that appear here. Your words could be my own, just substitute 3-1/2 for 4-1/2 and 1 year old to infant. That was me a year ago. There is hope, it does get better, the medication does work (I know for a fact). You are taking all the right steps to help yourself, and you should give yourself good credit for that. It's not easy to ask for help from friends, family, support system, professionals. Admitting we feel unsafe around our children, or might be, is such a taboo for us Mamas. That you were able to do that alone is huge. Plus you've explored other things to help yourself. Good for you. Does your SO/BD/DH help you, or are you on your own? I can tell you that as one who seems to have walked a mile in the same brand of moccasins, your babies DO need you and leaving is not the answer. It would not save you from yourself and would hurt them immeasurably. This is what separates us from the mother tiger or other wild mama. We have guilt and repercussions for our actions, and a legal system, and they only have instinct. Hell, they eat their young sometimes. That's a new level of harsh.

I agree that you should ask for and hopefully find some respite for yourself, help with the kids. Time for you to get away. Is there anyone (SO or other) who might be able to take them overnight for you, maybe once a month or every couple of weeks? Or someone who could help by taking them on a Saturday so you can have a day to yourself to take a long hot bath, read some of your fav. stuff, eat somplace by yourself, and the like? I know when I manage to do that I feel rested and refreshed getting back to children. Whatever feels like it might help you. Someone to watch your older while you nap with baby? I know my naps with my infant are precious when I can get them (weekends only as I am a full time working mama). When I don't get them, this mama ain't happy!

Our young can burn us out, that's just the way they're made. Our main job is to make sure everyone (us and them) survive childhood. Peace and blessings to you, Mama. And don't forget to breathe.

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.

first of all, thanks for posting this- while I do feel for you I was also thinking of posting something along these lines one of these days. I startle myself even sometimes when I shout and react so I'm appreciating the guidance and commiseration as well. I'm just hoping that it does get easier and that my girls will understand and forgive some of the Mama stress when/if they become mothers. I certainly have alot better insight into my Moms "ways" now- I don't know how she did it with 4!!
Oh thats the other thing I do alot- think to myself "thank goddess there are only 2!!" how do those with 3-16 kids do it??
You are a good mama, you are trying to raise good well behaved people, so just remember your intentions are good= and we are all still learning. ((HUGS))

we've got to let love rule
~l. kravitz

sorry...

goes out to you. I know how you feel, I really do. You are not alone. I am so impressed with your courage to express and be honest about your struggles. I am also impressed with the un-judgemental mamas reaching out to you. I too feel sick at my own behavior at times. When I think back I remember my mom freaking out sometimes when we kids were being rotten. But mostly I remember the kisses on the head at night when she thought I was sleeping...I never doubted my mother's love for me even when I drove her to screaming and ranting...this knowledge is what gives me hope and courage to keep going. As much as I fail to be my best person sometimes, I will always strive to counter it with those kisses on the head at night. Cling to those moments too mama not just the ranty ones...

The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing.
- Blaise Pascal

its great that you've gotten help on the medical front, (what with the anger management and meds and stuff) but maybe what you need is more practical help. is there anyone who can help you with having meals in the freezer in bulk? maybe take the kids to the park once/twice a week for an hour so you could have a break that you know will be there? (i think there's something to be said about a break that you can look forward to on a regular basis).
i'm dealing with some anger, so i get that. and i think its normal for us overworked mamas to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do about it. find some ways to get some practical help. maybe have a day with a mum where she comes over to help you then you go over and help her? i'm not sure what'll work for you and your family.
you WILL get through this. explain to the kids why you're yelling. they need to know that mum feels upset and doesnt know what to do. talk to them about how it makes them feel. maybe the 3 year old can help with ways to make mama feel better and not get angry.
try to breathe, and know it wont always be like this!
vibes mama, vibes.

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I have definitely gotten that angry at my kids, but you need support. Do you get a break from the kids? You need some time to yourself. It is really good that you are aware of what you need help with. I wish I could say that it gets easier, but I find that I am more capable of getting angrier now that mine are older (7.5 and 10). They push harder so I push back harder. Sometimes I worry that they are just going to fear me and I do not want that. I was thinking this when I picked them up from school the other day and my oldest said "did you have a better day today?" and I realized that he was hoping for a mama that wouldn't yell and snap so easily (I've been very stressed and upset by work lately and they get a lot of it )
Kissing your babies on the head is a good idea. Watching while they sleep at their most innocent form is good as well. If you can step back and think about what you really appreciate about having these beautiful children, that could help. Perspective is key. The only problem is that if you have PPD or anything else, perspective is not something you think of much.
I wish I could help you but all I can say is hang in there mama. You will not be taking care of a 1 and 3 year old forever - they will grow up and this will pass. Meanwhile, find something to do for yourself if you can.
Take care.

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