I didn't like my adopted daughter so I gave her back
In today's adoption-related news, the euphemism for this is an "adoption disruption"
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=...
I didn't like my adopted daughter so I gave her back
By NATALIE CLARKE - More by this author »
Last updated at 08:31am on 8th November 2007
The moment Julie Jarman set eyes on Zahina she was smitten. The seven-year-old girl from Tanzania was desperate for a loving home and Julie felt sure that she and her 11-year-old daughter could provide it.
In turn Zahina would become the second daughter Julie longed for. "When I met her for the first time, she was a bit shy. I saw her hiding behind her social worker's skirt, peeping out at me with an enormous grin on her face. She was gorgeous.
Harsh reality: Julie Jarman's family dream was shattered
"She was with her foster parents in Somerset. Laura and I spent a week with them, taking things very slowly.
"One day we took her to the park and one day we went swimming and I remember seeing Laura and Zahina teasing each other in the pool and thinking I had seen a glimpse of how things were going to be."
It was settled that Zahina would come to live with Julie, a programme manager for Oxfam, at her house in Manchester in July 2005. Julie was thrilled and spent the final days before her arrival getting everything ready.
She decorated her room with an African theme, she made curtains from some cloth she'd bought in Africa, and hung two framed batiks of African women on the wall.
She even stocked up on oats so she could make a similar porridge to one Tanzanian children are given called uji, which is made from maize-meal.
"She didn't seem upset at leaving her foster parents and was quite excited about the move," says Julie.
But almost from the moment she arrived Julie sensed a barrier between them. "Zahina would chat to me and ask questions about this and that, and on the surface it was fine.
"But I sensed that at a deeper level she was resisting me - I felt she was waiting for her mother to come back. Before she went to bed at night she would give me a hug but there was no warmth there. She was going through the motions.
"Often when I asked her to do something she would do it as the Tanzanians would say, 'kichwa upande' - unwillingly, or holding her head to one side."
As the weeks passed the house became filled with unspoken tensions, resentments and discord. Most worryingly of all, Julie's own daughter Laura began to withdraw into herself. In fact Zahina seemed to go out of her way to try to upset her.
"Once when I asked her to remove her mud-covered boots, she marched over to Laura, who was sitting in front of the fire playing Patience and parked her filthy foot right on top of the cards.
"Another time the three of us were supposed to go and see an African band but Laura refused to come because she was upset about something, but wouldn't say what.
"During the interval Zahina said to me, 'Laura was really upset, wasn't she?' and I could see she was really pleased that Laura was upset and that she felt she'd driven a wedge between Laura and me. There was something deeply unpleasant about the way she said it."
Her behaviour was a far cry from what Julie had hoped for. Indeed on paper, she reasoned, Zahina had been the perfect choice.
Her circumstances were particularly sad. Her family in Tanzania were very poor and she and her sister lived with their mother and stepfather in a one-room tenement.
"It is not clear why her family decided to send her to Britain but she arrived here after it was apparently arranged for her to stay with an uncle and his British partner.
Soon after this, however, the couple separated and the uncle's partner was left alone to look after Zahina. Attempts to send her back to Tanzania were unsuccessful because her parents could not be traced. Unwanted in Tanzania and here in Britain, she was taken into care.
One of the reasons Julie was drawn to Zahina was because her own daughter, Laura, now 13, was half Tanzanian. Her father is a Tanzanian teacher whom Julie had a long relationship with while working in the country as an aid worker in the Eighties.
Julie was pregnant with Laura when she returned to Britain in 1994. The relationship with her boyfriend ended the following year but Laura continues to see her father, who remains in Tanzania.
Julie had hoped she might settle down with someone else and have another child, but it did not happen. Five years ago, aged 44, she accepted that she was highly unlikely now to fall pregnant if she met someone and began to consider the possibility of adoption.
"I really felt that I wanted to become a parent for a second time and the idea of having two children appealed to my sense of family."
The following year she applied to Social Services to be considered as an adoptive parent.
She hoped she would be able to adopt a child aged three to four, preferably a girl, because Laura had said she would love to have a sister.
She underwent a rigorous assessment process, including inteviews with social workers about her past history and family relationships, her motivation and expectations of adoption, and a six-week course in which issues discussed included the emotional needs of children who have been through the care system.
Being a single parent was not an issue; Social Services now consider all types of family set ups. In 2004 Julie was told her application had been successful.
The next year, her social worker showed Julie an advertisement she had spotted in an adoption magazine in which an appeal was made for a home for Zahina.
"The ad said she was lively, bright and intelligent and said she had formed a close attachment to her foster carer and would have no problems doing so again. I thought she looked lovely, she had a really appealing face."
But appealing as Zahina undoubtedly was the little girl clearly had problems, too.
Julie says that for the first six months she lived with them she put in a huge emotional investment trying to establish a mother/daughter relationship with Zahina, chatting to her, playing with her, taking her on outings, but it was always the same.
"I simply couldn't reach her. I suppose I did get frustrated by it. I would say to her sometimes: 'Do you want me to be your mummy?', and she would reply: 'No, I've already got one.'
"Zahina would repeatedly push the boundaries and disobey me, it was very difficult. I would tell her she had to stay on the pavement when she went out on her roller skates, and she would go on the road. I would tell her she couldn't go knocking on friend's doors late at night, and she would do it.
"Once when she had done something or other I had asked her not to, she just gave me this look as if to say: 'What are you going to do about it?' I thought to myself: 'You just don't care, do you?'
"It was not the incidents in themselves that bothered me, more the underlying emotional gap."
She sought help from Social Services, asking if any psychotherapy was available for Zahina, with counselling for her, but was told it was not possible to access those services in Manchester.
After seven to eight months, Julie says, something inside her "gave up".
"I realised I would not be able to attain with Zahina anything approaching a mother/ daughter relationship. I was worried that I might in the future feel a creeping resentment towards her.
"Looking after children takes time, energy and effort and I wasn't getting anything back. I felt a dull ache inside me. It was awful.
"I could see myself in ten years' time being like one of those parents who go on about how they've done so much for their children, and got so little back."
Meanwhile, Zahina was clearly unhappy, too. She took to writing stories about her toy tiger, Stripes, and asked Julie if she would like to hear one.
"In this one, Stripes was living with a nasty adoptive mother who threw him out on the street saying: 'Get away you naughty cub, you can't come back here.' Luckily, all was not lost because Stripes found his birth mummy.
"I took a deep breath and asked Zahina whether she thought she might be thrown out on the street like Stripes.
"She said yes and though I tried to reassure her that this would never be the case, it hit me really hard. I rang the social worker for advice but she told me not to worry, saying it was great Zahina was expressing herself."
Over the following few weeks, Zahina wrote four more stories about Stripes. "The adoptive mother was not mentioned again, but they all talked about Stripes losing his mother and setting out to look for her.
"I didn't need to be a psychiatrist to work out what Zahina wanted most in the world. It was heartbreaking, because I knew she'd been abandoned and that no one was coming to get her."
Laura, too, was suffering and had started to retreat to her room to escape.
"But even then Zahina would not leave her alone and would push her way in," says Julie. "Sometimes she took things from Laura's room, causing terrible rows.
"With the benefit of hindsight I don't think Zahina should have been placed with someone who had a birth daughter, she would have been better going to a couple who had no children and would be able to give their undivided attention.
"She saw it as a competition to try to supplant Laura, not consciously, of course, and it was the behaviour of a deeply unhappy child.
"I think our situation reflected something in her past. I think she saw her sister as the favourite in Tanzania."
Around this time, Zahina wrote a letter to her mother in Tanzania, asking when she was coming to fetch her. Eventually she received a card, but there was no reply to her questions.
"The penny dropped, and she realised her mother wasn't coming to get her," says Julie. "She had no other option but me. At that point she actually started making more effort, but it was too late by then.
"It's hard to explain, but deep inside me I'd given up and I couldn't go back. I began to be very anxious about what to do."
A year after Zahina had come to live with her, Julie was confronted with the most agonising decision of her life - should she go ahead with the adoption?
She decided she did not want to but, desperately worried about the impact this would have on Zahina, avoided doing anything about it.
Ironically, it was Zahina herself who forced her hand. The little girl must have sensed that Julie was withdrawing from her and was having nightmares about falling down a hole. She was calling out to Julie but she wasn't there.
"I realised we couldn't go on like this, with all of us so anxious," says Julie. "I felt it might be damaging for Zahina."
She made up her mind - she would give Zahina back. "It was very sad and distressing, of course, but I could not ignore the fact that things weren't right."
And so this little girl, shunted from one place to another, was to be rejected once more.
"When I did tell Zahina she was incredibly upset, she just sobbed and sobbed. It was hard to take. She said she'd tried so hard, and got nothing back, and I told her I knew what she meant because that was exactly how I had felt.
"By that I don't mean I was blaming her. I was the adult in the situation and I had to take full responsibility."
One must ask at this juncture whether Julie was rather naive in undertaking this adoption. Zahina was not a baby, she was a seven-year-old whose life up to that point had been a deeply unhappy one.
She was a thinking, feeling young person having to cope with the distressing knowledge that her mother had dumped her in a foreign country to be rid of her.
Surely she was never going to be the malleable blank canvas Julie appears to have wished for.
And was it really so surprising that there were tensions and jealousies with Julie's own daughter Laura, an 11-year-old only child who was suddenly expected to share her home and her mother's affection with a stranger?
"When I told the social worker she didn't seem particularly surprised," says Julie defensively.
"She asked me to keep it from Zahina until they found a foster home for her because Social Services believe it is better if a move happens reasonably quickly."
Julie is under no illusions about the impact this second rejection may have had on Zahina. "I felt sure it was definitely the right decision for me and my daughter," says Julie, "but I was not absolutely sure it was the right decision for her."
In August last year, just over a year after Zahina came to live with them, Julie and Laura packed her bags and drove her back to Somerset to another foster family.
"When I asked Zahina what the hardest thing about it was she said: 'Leaving you.' It was terrible. But as we drove down to Somerset the barriers came up again, it was a form of self-protection.
"I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her with these strangers, I felt completely devastated and was crying, I was very emotional.
"But I was also relieved. I had my life back, my family back.
"What happened with Zahina made me appreciate how good my relationship with Laura is, how it works so well with just the two of us."
Does she worry about the impact her decision has had on Zahina?
"Yes I realise that I have set a pattern of rejection," says Julie. "I would rather it hadn't happened.
"Giving Zahina back was the hardest thing I have done in my life, but when she had gone my overwhelming emotion was one of relief.
"Zahina and I had different expectations. I hadn't expected to replicate the relationship I had with my daughter but I had expected a certain emotional closeness.
"That was not Zahina's expectation of our relationship.
"But Zahina and I went on a journey together and I hope she learnt something about the nature of parenting and family relationships. While she was with me she came to terms with a lot of her past."
Today Zahina is in a children's home, waiting to be found somewhere permanent. Julie says there are a couple of prospective parents who are interested in adopting her.
"I felt terrible about having to give her back, and the way things turned out, but I do not regret it.
"In the end I did what I thought was best."
• Zahina and Laura's names have been changed.
- Sobriquet's blog
- Login or register to post comments
and in theat way I can't fault her, or judge her.
But seriously, what the hell was she thinking? That in one year this girl would magically be close to her? IT takes years to gain that kind of closeness, even withour own children and setting a pattern of resentment and frustration in the relationship certainly doesn't encourage that. i feel bad that she had to make such a difficult decision but I feel worse for that poor little girl. I know what it feels like to not feel loved, to be abandoned and that is going to destroy parts of her she may never be able get back.
Having an only child myself, I know there are times when I feel society throws it's judgement in my face with *only child* cliches (they will never share, spoiled, lonely, forced to take care of ailing parents......etc, etc...) and I think people panic on reaching the *perfect* sibling household. In a way I feel that is what *Laura* did. Shew was trying to fill some gap. In the end she, IMO, devastated this child. Those stories of Stripe broke my heart. Do you think she should have kept her and not sent her back? Worked harder?
Would Zahina ever give up holding out for her mother?
.
by the system. they place a seven year old, and don't get them counseling? that's a fucking no brainer. they should have required that they all get counseling, and found a counselor who works with adoptive families. and, placing a seven year old in a home where there is already a child. sigh.
"I hope she learnt something about the nature of parenting and family relationships" yeah. i bet she did.
It's a shame that there isn't better screening, education and/or counseling for prospective adoptive parents. Prior to adoption, it should be made abundantly clear that a child is not a baby doll, a puppy, or a piece of merchandise that comes with a guarantee.
It's also sad that people adopt children without considerable thought and research first. The diifficulty and underlying sadness shouldn't have come as a huge surprise.
That poor little girl. It's really hard to have sympathy for the adoptive mom in this situation. I mean, I can appreciate that the situation was difficult for her, but hadn't she thought of that before she went through with the adoption? It's like she expected immediate unconditional love and attachment. I think that Julie was right though when she said that Zahina would have been better off being placed with a couple without any existing bio children. Did no one consider that feelings of resentment and competition would arrise in the household? In the end Zahina's nightmares of abandonment came true and that is unbelievably heartbreaking. It was too late for her to start trying? Damn. I mean, I guess it's better that the mom could admit that she couldn't love the child and would grow to resent her but it seems that there should be better access to counselling services etc. This story broke my heart!
Of my sister taking a Jack Russel terrier that disrupted their family for 6 months. They had to give it to a shelter.
But, a dog isn't a kid, and a kid shouldn't be treated like a dog.
I think the system failed and I that "Laura" was an ass. She couldn't take this child to get therapy unless it was provided by the gov? She never took responsability and kids can sense that. And why did she have to be the new mommy so damn soon? This child wasn't a baby with no memory. OF COURSE she had another mommy. Why not be a loving "relative" who wants to care for her?
But yeah, hindsight is 20/20.
We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap.~K.V.
poor baby. the mother could have chosen a different path, one of commitment and working through the difficult times until a better plateau was reached. she realizes she could have, but chose not to.
This woman *redecorated*. She tried for a *whole year* Oh wait... No. She "gave up" after 6 or 8 months and then just continued to be a shit to this kid. That's right.
This little girl is clearly a special needs kid. Nothing is wrong with her, other than the environment she was forced to live in her whole life; from the sounds of it.
And um... Hi? Parents of special needs kids (and yes, older kids who are adopted ARE special needs; not insinuating that they have something wrong with them, but they aren't going to just drop into a home like a lego brick and fit perfectly like they were there all along); we need to work our asses off to help our kids. I agree with the comment that this kid was treated like a dog. This story is disgusting.
An aside, I have a special needs kid and it is *really hard*. I cannot stress that enough. When you're in the thick of a difficult time and you just can't figure out what it is that you're doing wrong, god... it's just. Pure. Hell. But you know what else? There's this weird kooky thing my husband and I did... Ready for this? It's kinda revolutionary...
We got help. That's right. We went out and we paid someone to talk with us. It was SO expensive too. Fifteen dollar co-pays!!!! It was rough. I mean, that's the cost of like three trips to starbucks for the two of us. And then? Our therapist told us about a program at the university that we could do for free if we committed to six months of free therapy. So that was kind of a sacrifice too. I mean, I had to drive my kid to his grandparents house, and then we had to sit through this class that helped us learn how to be better parents and stuff, and it was totally a huge deal. All so that we could function better as a family? Well, maybe if there was some place we could have traded him in for a "better" model we should have done that. Cause like, isn't it a shame that you actually have to *work* at this parenting thing sometimes?
You are so right. The more I think about this the thing I keep coming back to is where the girl starts to make an effort once she realizes her birth mom's not coming to get her but by then it's "too late". WTF?!?!! "Julie" pays lipservice to the fact that she's the adult and the one responsible, but she doesn't seem to really believe this. It's like she resents the fact that the girl only started trying when she realized her mom wasn't coming for her instead of unconditionally loving her adoptive family right away. She's like, "Oh, NOW you want to try? You had your chance. It's too late- we already don't like you." I've heard stories of older kids who were adopted who had attachment disorder who, in some cases, the adoptive parents feared the child might hurt or even kill them and they kept trying. Julie made a commitment when taking this child into her home. What if Zahina was her biological child with similar (or even worse) emotional/psychological problems? Would she give her up for adoption because its what was best for her and her other child?
The girl WAS trying to be close to her. She did regular effed up little kid stuff, effed up younger sibling stuff, and she told the "mom" over and over again about her fears. The kid opened up, but the "mom" rejected her, probably because it was too "messy".
Maude, she tried to make the kid into a performing puppet, constantly reminding her of what she lost, then giving her a hard time for MISSING HER MOTHER. Why was that psycho even allowed to have the girl in her home? Because she has money????
The "mom" is the one who should have to live in foster care.
All little girls should be told they're pretty--even if they aren't.
--Marilyn Monroe
All little girls should be told they're pretty--even if they aren't.
--Marilyn Monroe
clearly she was totally unprepared for a child with this level of need. she should have been prepared. yes, she should have gotten the kid and herself and Laura some professional help. but i'm not comfortable assuming that if this woman knew the level of need, that she'd still withhold that counseling, or that she'd even still adopt this child. on the face of it, the mom fucked this kid's psyche up, but i personally trace it back to the people whose job it was to follow this family and make sure that they adjust and understand all the situations that can occur. which, from this article, is no one. seems like they washed their hands of Zahina once she was placed. and that is completely wrong. as to whether she shoudl have gotten her the help she needs, whether or not it was covered by the government, that's easy to say. but i don't know what their health care system allows, since it's so different there than here. nor do i know whether this person had the means to get counseling, which again goes back to being prepared and informed of the long term commitments to a special needs child. seems to me like Julie was led to believe that once the girl is in her home, it's all downhill from there. when i try to imagine being in her situation, with no guidance and no preparation, i could see how it is that she gave up.
I'm not devoid of sympathy for Julie or her bio daughter, and certainly the system is at least just as responsible as Julie for what happened in this case. However, I find it unconscionable that rather than keep trying- especially when Zahina started puttin in more of an effort- she simply deemed it too little to late and she admittedly chose what's best for herself over what's best for Zahina. I know she had another child to think about but it still seems utterly wrong to turn her back and throw up her hands in the way she did. If there was no sign of progress in sight and no hope that things would improve then I might still disagree with Julie's actions but I'd find them more understandable. By her own admission that is not the case here. She didn't get her fantasy adoption story come true and, though she says otherwise, clearly blames the child in some measure for not being the fantasy daughter.
her decision, as i read it here, is less a decision to give up. what i read here is a realization that it was beyond her scope. and she shuold have been accurately assessed as an adoptive parent, which would have brought this to light BEFORE Zahira was placed in her home. when she said the phrase "too late" (NOT "too little, too late" which has a specific meaning and is not what she said, or what she meant) she was referring to that point she reached earlier, when she was exhausted and couldn't give any more. what she was speaking to is the reality that being a parent is hard work, and despite our pollyanna desires to have endless reserves, we don't. none of us do. while i could most assuredly say that i would do things differently than Julie, what happened here is not Julie's fault. she is a victim too. not nearly to the extent of Zahira, but she is a victim too. and i could not disagree more that she "clearly blames the girl" in any way, by any measure. i'm reading a lot of pain here, a lot of regret and a whole lot of remorse for this child. i am really uncomfortable with coming down on a mother for this. this is a person who tried to adopt an older child from the foster care system, she's not madonna purchasing her perfect little clean slate infant, and getting bent out of shape that it's different than she expected. she gave it a year, and based on what i read here, she had little to no support. i don't think any one of us could say that we would have fared better in that situation. that child was placed in the wrong home, and these are the devastating results of not appropriately placing a child, or adequately preparing adoptive families, or providing support.
You read Julie's comments totally different than I did. I know she didn't SAY too little, too late, but that's what it sounded like she meant to me. I don't think she's consciously blaming Zahira for anything that happened. I think logically she know's that it's not the girls fault, but from her comments it seems to me that part of her feels a sense of betrayal by Zahira and resents her for not being the daughter she envisioned or that she appeared to be at their first meeting. I don't think that one year is long enough to try before giving up on a HUMAN BEING. She most certainly would not have given up her biological daughter had she shown similar emotional problems and difficulties. I acknowledge the failures of the system, but Julie took the easy way out. She never saw Zahira as really her own and in the end, failed her miserably. There's a lot of blame to go around here- not all of it is Julie's, maybe not even most of it- but part of the fault lies in her. I did not sense the pain that you saw- not in depth. I saw a woman who has convinced herself that she did the only right thing (maybe that's because that's what she needs to believe) and by her own words feels mainly releived by her decision. That's pretty cold.
i don't see her as cold at all. i see her as overwhelmed and honest about what she is really feeling. she didn't sugar coat any of this, not like the woman in yesterday's article who adopted a guatemalan girl because she wanted a girl. people here, and the people who commented on that article are really making a lot of assumptions about Julie and why it is she "gave up." i honestly don't think i would have, but i can't say for sure. i have one child, and if i took in another who had needs i was not able to properly identify and meet, and whose presence created problems in my first child that were not there before, AND i had no one or nothing to help me identify and meet this new child's needs, i would probably be investigating all options, including turning her back over to social services. desperate people do desperate things. bottom line is, we don't know what was available to Julie and therefore are in no position to call her cold or at fault for what happened. i feel like it's a copout to blame this one mother, who had the guts to sit and discuss what she went through and how an adoption failed in her home. i can't think of anyone who would have that kind of courage.
not to mention teh incendiary title of that article. sheeee-it, talk about cold. way to encourage people to be open and honest about their experiences with adoption. oh right, better to sell papers. let's keep our hatred focused where it belongs: a woman with human failings.
Yeah, the title of the article is inflamatary to say the least, but I still think that Julie is partially culpable for what happened here. I'm glad that she's honest and speaking out about it because you're right, that does take courage but I don't think it absolves her of fault. It seems like common sense to me that a seven year old child who has been basically discarded by her birth family would have trouble assimilating into a new family and particularly that she would have trouble accepting someone else as her 'mummy' in just a few months. Is the adoption agency at fault for not warning her of what may be in store? Of course. But who's to say they didn't? It's like when you're pregnant and people try to prepare you for the struggles you might face with an infant and you listen but tell yourself that YOUR baby won't be like that. I mean, what if, instead of an older adopted child this was a collicky infant or an infant with a dibilitating birth defect and after 8 or 9 months the mom decided to put the baby into foster care?
we don't know what was available to her.
That poor child, to be constantly 'given away' how she must suffer now and for the rest of her life unless she gets some help. I can't imagine what she must have felt after being given back after a year. She is going to have major trust and abandonment issues.
Ugh - this hurts my heart but not as much as it must hurt hers.
That child was manifesting her fear of being rejected so clearly in those stories, but instead of listening, getting help, accepting the childs feelings of loss and abandonment by her birthmother, she just abandoned her again. Unf*cking beliveable.
How can I get this off of my finger without betraying my cool exterior? --Fox Mulder
Mummy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird...
I don't know if I want to go into a big long thing here...but I really feel for the little girl. I feel like the woman could have pursued other , other outlets. After all, she is a grown woman of 44. Zahina is not a dog to be discarded when it shows it can't be potty trained. It hurts to think about this happening to a pure and innocent young child who is only acting out because she doesn't know how to handle it any other way. Euthanasia doesn't work for young children, so why do people treat them like they can be sent away whenever there is a problem?
Saddens me. Deep down in my very core.
"She said she'd tried so hard, and got nothing back, and I told her I knew what she meant because that was exactly how I had felt."
"Zahina and I had different expectations."
"I hope she learnt something about the nature of parenting and family relationships."
Unbelievably cold. The woman speaks about this child as if the girl was a business transaction, not a human.
I mean really, 6/8 months of trying by spending money? by decorating? by ignoring the issues at heand or asking th kid to love you? You don't ask kids to love you, you develop situtations where they can thrive and feel affection eventually. Love of your children is not a pre qualification for family!
My child born of my blood and body doesn't have to love me, they are mine, my job is to love them, unconditionally, regardless of pain, bitterness, fear of rejection, and bad manners. Because kids come with all of it. This lady sounds like a spoiled twit and how they allowed her to be qualified simply because she was fiancially stable and had a child from the same country is hard to grasp. If a child who is not of your blood with years of rejection is placed in your life you do right by the child; example, like if she whomps her boot on another child toys you simply require an apolgy and explain family can be mean, or unkind but they forgive and love too, do not behave badly to your sister just because you're mad at me. Punishment for bad manners is....writing an essay about your fears, what bothers you, tell me a story about why you're mad. Counseling was obviously somthing she could afford, what does she means an ache or need to be loved? you adopt to love another, not to resent, grow angry or expect affection, but to give of your life and soul without reservation and need. And a whole year before she decides it's not working? a whole year where she is a nasty peice of work expecting love, waiting for perfection, asking the pretty child who lost her family to love her as a mom?
the kids mother abandoned her to an uncle (who knows that awful story.), she was lost and tossed around like some toy! like stuff you buy at a garage sale. Dogs shouldn't be treated that way! pets have collers, food, love, a place in the scheme of the family, simple and done. My husband and I hate people who get rid of things for Conveince. The cat you adopt is yours, no pet shelter for your conveience, you pay for the care and life of that animal. You do not open your home and your life and offer a place and take it back like a barbaric spoiled ungiving souless selfish worldly human. You either get full disclosure and accept the situation but you don't whine about the change to your expectations!
My child adopted or not will be able to rely on me regardless of how loving she acts. Ughh..., this woman was only nice to the adopted kid when the kid was nice to her and she has her own to continue to raise. Mother....blechh.
psalm 16 kjv
psalm 16 kjv
i have to say that the echoes of this sort of rejection never go away. She will look at her own baby one day and feel distress mixed in with the love and attachment and wonder why she wasn't loved. She will second guess her ability to love and bond with her own children. She will never have anyone to go to to ask if x, y, or z experience is normal or who can tell her that whatever that child is doing is just like when she was a baby. I can't imagine going through that kind of rejection repeatedly. Once is terrible enough. She is at an age where she can't possibly understand that it is not her fault. And what about what Julie has just taught Laura about the nature of parenting and family?
"Like dear St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty: but in my case the marriage is not a success." Oscar Wilde
I think this kind of fristration was what she signed up for. I can't believe this woman didn't know what was comming. Maybe they need to do more in depth psyciatric evaluations on these potential mothers. Maybe they need to prepare them netter for what they may be facing. The part that made me the most disturbed was that Z was crying about leaving, and the adoptive "mother" didn't care. She also admited that she could be doing harm mentaly by rejecting her again. How could she not know that it may have taken up to even five years for them to be comfortable around one another? You don't have children in my opinion and expect them to give you anything back. Thats just ignorant and shows theres emotional immuturities and issues in the adult.
and no one should enter into adoption lightly. But honestly, I don't think this mother is as wicked as she's being painted by this author and by this group. It's a brief artical, one where Julie takes great pains to be honest about what happened. It's an author with an agenda (hense the title). We who have not faced the same kinds of challenges and choices find it easy to judge, but who among us really knows what we would have done?
A family friend decided to adopt at 14 year old girl, "Hannah" from India. The had four older children, only one still living at home. They didn't adopt because they wanted a girl or because they saw a picture of an atractive young woman. They wanted to adopt because they felt they had room in their hearts and lives for another child and that they could help someone who really needed a family. "Hannah" was abandoned as an infant and had lived in an orphanage her whole life. She had serious medical issues if, unadressed, would lead to her death. So our friends started the process of adopting her.
At first things went well. But then issues started to crop up. Hannah didn't adapt well to school. So they entered counseling. Hannah started staying out late with friends, sometimes all night. So the family imposed stricter limits and followed her more closely. Hannah began to act out against her older brother, cutting all pictues of him out of the family album and physically attacking him. He knew (as did she) that as a 16 year old boy he couldn't hit her back.
The counseling continued, Hannah spent time in respite care and in juvenile detention. Still the family worked to connect with her.
And then, one evening, when no one else was home, Hannah attacked her adoptive mother with a kitchen knife. And still it took our friends close to 6 months to decide that they could not finally adopt Hannah.
This was a very hard decision for our friends, it had to do with their safety, their son's safety, and, ultimately, Hannah's safety too. They decided that she was better off in foster care than in juvinile hall for seriously harming someone in the family. Her therapist ultimately came to the conclusion that Hannah was never able to bond with the family, and may never be able to bond with anyone, because of her many years as an orphan.
Its all very sad, for everyone, and very complicated. And while its easy for all of us to say that we would keep trying, never give up, find a way, lay down our lives for a child, when push comes to shove, I have a hard time judging these mothers.
The difference in my mind is that in the case you describe above, "Hannah" was a physical threat to others and maybe even herself. And as you say, AFTER she attacked the mom with a kitchen knife they took an additional 6 months to decide they couldn't adopt her. That is vastly different from giving up because the child did not accept her new family into her heart the way that the mom had fantasized about in a timely enough manner- KWIM? There is no mention of a physical threat and by Julie's admission Zahina's attitude had started to turn around. I think a lot of blame lies with the system. They clearly did not adequately prepare the adoptive mom or offer enough support when problems came up, but the mom is still responsible to some degree.
we really don't know what happened. The author of this article obviously had a message she wanted to bring. A year of life summed up in two pages of paragraphs - do you really think you have the whole story? I'm sure its more complecated that this. And i don't think that damning Julie ultimately helps her daughter or the system.
the reality is, if this article were written sympathetically toward the mother being thrown into a situation she couldn't handle, the reaction here would be far different. 1. i am suspicious of any article written with such a clear agenda and 2. i am respectful of anyone with this degree of honesty, and it baffles me whenever this happens: people react with derision toward someone shows several times their courage to actually be honest.
I agree that the article is to be taken with a grain (or a tablespoon) of salt given that it is clearly skewed (can you show me an article that isn't?). However, I think that my reaction would be the same even if the article was slanted in favor of the adoptive mom. (and perhaps those who are supportive of the mom would be pointing out her part in all of this had she been depicted favorably...) And honesty does not absolve someone from wrong-doing. I respect honesty a great deal, but I reject the notion that just because someone is honest where most people would lie or embelish means that they should get a free pass on the wrong they have done. I spent YEARS getting to a point with BD where he'd be totally honest with me. He cannot grasp the notion that just because I ALWAYS prefer honesty that doesn't mean that I won't be angry about things he's done because he didn't lie about them when he could have.
someone from wrongdoing."
there was no wrongdoing on Julie's part. it's not about absolving wrongdoing, it's about ebing able to read someone's honest account of how they felt and why they did what they did and understand that in doing so they know themsleves.
the deal is, if you (collective you, not you personaly) were in this situation, you could have done exactly the same thing, for the same reasons. but you don't know yourself and therefore would not be capable of really articulating your thought process. your account would sound more desparate and remorseful, because you wouldn't understand why you are reacting the way you are. as such, when you read such honesty, you are disgusted. you don't understand, and therefore you are angry.
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith