First birthday ridiculousness
So Soph's first birthday is coming up (the 19th) and theres a problem. Almost everyone from both of our families hates and/or will not be in the same room someone else. Lets see here, mostly just to get it clear in my own head.
-Me: FIL is dead to me, otherwise everyone is fine
-SO: FIL is dead to him also (he's not invited to any parties), dislikes being in the same room as my mom.
-My mom: Will not be in the same room as my dad, his girlfriend or any of their offspring.
-My dad: Will not be in the same room as my mom. Also might punch FIL in the face if he ever met him - I don't see this as a problem.
-MIL: Dislikes FIL - will tolorate everyone else.
-My sister(18 yr): Hates our mom and will not be in the same room with her.
-My brother(13 yr): Hates our dad and will only tolorate him during the count mandated minimum custody.
So as it stands now, there has to be 3 parties. One with my dad and his new family, MIL and her family. One for my mom and my brother and one for SO and I with our personal friends to celebrate making it through this very difficult first year.
I WOULD force everyone to be in the same room, but I just don't want to. They've made it so I feel like divvying up the party would be way easier then sitting through thin lipped pesudo politeness. In fact, most wouldn't even come. And I really want everyone to party with Sophie on her b-day. She loves them all and so I do. Bah. Everyone sucks. Maaybe in a few years everything'll have settled down enough for me to force them to all attend at the same time. If not, oh well.
Sophie will just get several birthday parties every year. Poor baby!
SO has decided that his father is dead to him. He doesn't want anything to do with him again ever after how he treated his him and his pseudo-wife and daughter. Obviously he will not be invited to any parties ever.
I'm also going to invite our neighbors to the one with my dad and MIL because they're bringing their kids (My sister, Aspen is like 15 months and Jesse, SO's brother is 2). Yesterday, a helicopter landed in the field less then 100 yards from my apartment to take someone in a car accident to Stanford Hospital. We were standing out there with them and their adorable 10 month old girl watching the madness. The babies liked looking at each other and SO and I had a really good time talking to them. They're really cool and nice and live a stones throw from us. Hopefully we can get the babies together and have friends who aren't childless college kids!
I'm thinking of making homemade pumpkin soup for the parties. I've never done it before. Does anyone have any awesome recipes?
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you will get exponentially more shit from all the hard asses the year you decide not to do it. in other words, by having three parties, you are inviting more people giving you shit than if you just had one party for the kid and expected everyone to be grownups about it. if they don't like you or sophie enough to grow the hell up for a couple of hours, better you know that now. i know you said you made your decision, i am just speaking from personal experience. some family decided not to get over themselves for dd's sake and while that seemingly sucked initially, the truth is, it was bound to happen sooner or later anyway. be it in the context of a birthday party or someone else's funeral or just regular visits. people who require that much work to maintain a relationship with a child who did nothing to them are not worth it, and that relationship is going to be lost sooner or later anyway. just my 2¢.
i have no recipes for you, but good luck.
I have done the multiple party thing many times and it sucks, I know you were being sarcastic when you said 'poor baby', but really, Do you know how exhausting it is to put on multiple parties, and how disappointed you will be if one doesn't turn out so well? I can tell you, it sucks big time! Three cakes, three meals, clean up...someone will end up being crappy anyway. Why accommodate these people? Nov 19 is about Sophie!
Can you have the party at a park or some kid friendly party place so these people don't all feel confined to a house?
What ever you decide-good luck, but eventually they will have to decide that Sophie is more important than their grudges.
"....eventually they will have to decide that Sophie is more important than their grudges."
just be prepared that some, if not all, won't. that's just how people are.
i was just saying what i have seen in my nine years direct experience, and with many more indirect. personally, when people choose their grudges over me, i let them make that choice. because really, it's already made. when people don't love you, there is no reason to please them, and they will never respect you.
"I know that they're grudges are more important then me or Sophie. Thats why i'm doing the three parties." this shows absolutely no self respect. wouldn't you want to have one nice birthday party, rather than three bullshit exercises in degradation? this is too much bullshit to attach to a party. it's a baby turning one, you shouldn't have to dredge up all this old shit to get it done.
that's all i'm saying.
although I think this might be a bit harsh for what seems to me is sophiesworld's sensitivity about her decision, what you've said is much right on.
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I think you're being a little harsh. No self respect? Because i'm making it easier on myself by not putting myself in the middle of a shit load of drama? I can't just throw them away, even though they're stupid and selfish people. I'm not going to put a bull in a china shop. I made a choice of one big shitty party or three parties that stand a good chance of being pretty awesome. I totally agree I shouldn't have to do this, it does kind of blow but it's the way it is. When she gets older SO and I decided we'd prolly just throw one real party with just her friends and have none of them invited and then have just casual visits with the grandparents and i'll be honest with them if they ask about why it isn't a big party. But fuck, I really don't think the decision reflects as poorly on my character as you say.
http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/princessburpalot
No self respect? Degradation?
http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/princessburpalot
this is my last comment on this. all of the comments above reflected a respect for the fact that you thought about it and it's your decision, and sharing my own experience in similar matters. fwiw, when i was in a similar position to yours, i don't know if i would have listened to anyone telling me what i told you, mainly because no one did. i worked my way through, and you will too, and it will all be ok.
yes, no self respect. yes. "i know they care more about their grudges than me or sophie, that's why i am having three parties." yes, that statement is devoid of self respect. ask other people if you don't believe me.
yes, degradation. going to all this trouble and expense for people who don't care about you is an exercise in self degradation. yes.
neither of these are character assessments. tehy are opinions on what what you've said, not of who you are.
I think I have to agree with Etta. You're not doing this to make it easier on yourself (3 parties!?!) You're doing this to make it easier on them. Think, for a moment, about how ridiculous that is. These are grown folks acting like children and you are catering to their dysfuntional BS. Not to mention that they probably expect you to; that's even worse. What kind of example is this setting? I am a firm believer in "you teach ppl how to treat you." You are setting a precedent and sister, martyrdom went out in the 1950's.
I've had this situation come up recently with my baby shower. I decided to invite the people I wanted to come and let THEM CHOOSE FOR THEMSELVES whether or not they wanted to attend. It turned out to be a lovely gathering of fantastic people being there to support me and my unborn baby. Those who chose not to come really missed out.
I wish you luck.
I am a firm believer in "you teach ppl how to treat you."
absolutely. the truth in this statement is awesome. the thing is, you have to feel like you deserve to be treated well... soph, you deserve to be treated with respect, to be treated like an adult, to be treated like the wonderful loving mama you are. these people don't like treating you (and i suspect others) with respect because they don't have the faculties to do it. the don't know how. they were never treated with respect. they don't expect others to be respectful to them - to set boundaries respectfully or otherwise with them.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb
I learned this a long time ago! Its a hard lesson to accept.
"No self respect? Because i'm making it easier on myself by not putting myself in the middle of a shit load of drama?"
but you are putting yourself in the middle... smack dab in the middle. making the best decision for you and your family isn't always going to please everyone around you. do you feel you might have some deep rooted issues regarding a need to please people? the peacemaker who sacrifices her own happiness to make other's more comfortable? my best friend was physically abused by her father. they are friends now because since she became an adult he stopped his abuse on her. but his legacy still runs through her and she has a huge problem (self acknowledged) with making decisions that put her needs after those she loves. she is working on stopping this behavior but it is very difficult. the guilt she feels when a choice she makes upsets someone is too much for her to bear. is this kinda how you feel? like you would feel too guilty to enjoy one party knowing that the adult children in your life were upset about their choice to not come? i get that. its a tough lot to be in, but i get it. i may be way off here, but if there is any truth to what i'm suggesting... this party is one event in a series of past events/moments and future events/moments where you are feeling like you have to do something you don't want to do to make someone else happy.
you ARE a strong woman. you are a mother, a friend, a family member, a lover, and so much more. but first and foremost remember you ARE a strong woman. good luck and really, what ever you decide i won't judge you for it. i know we all have to do what we need to do in every situation and in the end, good or bad, there is a lesson, a gift, that it will offer us.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb
"I know that they're grudges are more important then me or Sophie. Thats why i'm doing the three parties. "
wow, sw, this statement made me so sad. you know that their issues take precedence over you and your daughter and you are still going to plan your life around their issues. that is the same as me saying, "he doesn't love me, i know this, but i just want him to be happy so i'm going out of my way to please him." i hope that you find the strength within to come into your own... we all need that strength... it is a long process of mistakes and good choices... but when we come into our own we don't fear not being liked, loved, respected because we know those in our life are here because they love, respect, and like us. i hope this doesn't sound condescending... i know taken in a certain tone and context it might. i don't mean for it to be me talking down to you or telling you what to do because i know best... that is not where i'm coming from. i know you will do what makes sense to you and it will be right for you - even it if makes things harder. and like someone else said... maybe you can turn the 3 parties into a fun time. good luck with all this! this family shit ain't easy stuff to deal with. there are always layers upon layers of back story that helps us make our choices.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb
about my response...
I think you need to stop thinking about how to cater to a family who is only giving you drama. Yes, they are the only family you have, but that does not mean you have to put up with their shit. Even if you separate the three parties out, what do you think the odds are that at least two of the parties are going to be stressful? Pretty high right? How is that a good memory for Sophie? I personally would invite everyone you WANT to come, regardless of whether they play nice together. If they can't deal, fuck em. I assume you are not inviting the molesting FIL right? so you are essentially only dealing with your mother and father. There is no forcing involved. It is simply an expectation of normalcy. In grown up land, we have to not punch, scratch or scream at others even if we dislike them. If you think any of the invited people are going to participate in violence, have a talk with them. Communicate. Period.
Be the adult in all of this crap. Sad that you are forced to be the most mature when you are the youngest.
Peace mama.
We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap.~K.V.
"Because i'm making it easier on myself by not putting myself in the middle of a shit load of drama?"
i would argue that you're actually allowing this drama to control you...for dd's first we had friends only because: my family sounds a bit like yours...
you need to just make a choice and not let it get you down...do it or don't. you seem to just want more to deal with
"If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in our hair." ~ David Sedaris
somebody said that how you handle it now will be setting the tone for future gatherings, and that is right on. So decide: what is important to you about her parties? What do you want to get? It's not going to be so traditional or bubblegum, so what else would be best for you? Time with certain people? Pictures? The good gifts? Her fun time?
Here's what I've learned after waaaay overstressing early birthday parties--it's really true that a relaxed hostess having a good time makes the party. This has to be fun for you or What Is the Point? Imo, it's ridiculous to put yourself to the trouble of hosting seperate parties. Come on! You can throw a party, invite who you want, and let everyone else take you out to dinner. That's what I'd do--breakfast with ______; let __________take you to the zoo or whatnot to celebrate, mama takes you to dinner--everyone gets to feel involved and throw a party for your friends, her friends, relatives who won't bring bullshit, and have a good time. That's it. This is gonna come up for other holidays too, right? and you can't let yourselves get split up in their competition or whatever. Let them come to you at YOUR conveinence. You're the ones with the baby.
that you want to spend time with these people and therefore, are going to a lot of trouble to do that. Also because you want Sophie to spend time with them. While I saw some of those comments as harsh, I think the women are trying to save you the pain they have personally experienced in similar situations. If you want to go to all that trouble, in order to 'keep the peace', no one should judge you for it. Just beware of your heart and don't think that you will get any return on the love you are showing, I think that is what the comments were trying to get at.
You are toiling to create a loving space, and some people will always view that as weakness. Vulnerability is tricky, don't let a bunch of asshole family make you bitter... Ask yourself if you are expecting some glimmer of real love from any of those people.
All that said, have three fucking awesome parties if you can. You know yourself, your life and the people in it best. I hope Sophie has a bash, and is surrounded by people that really love her.
Try cooks.com for recipies. It rocks.
Don't be too afraid to be yourself. The alternative is always worse.
I go through this with my 5 bickering siblings at virtually every holiday.
it has fallen upon me, the youngest-to maintain some kind of semblance of family-which I do because our Dad would've wanted it this way.
However-now that I have children of my own- I decided that I would always do what is the easiest for me and my kids
happy stress free mama=happy stress free chilluns
I have 1 day of partying,I call it an open house.
Usually between like, 1 and 6.
Its a good time for everyone.
And it stopped me from perpetuating my role of being in the "middle"
The people that don't come, I don't sweat that much anymore. Its their loss not mine.
An open house is a fantastic idea. This way,
everyone can come and go as they please. Make a set time for the cake and open the presents as they are offered.
Less stress, less pressure.
Great idea BC!
3 cool little parties (perhaps with different "themes" or activities), over one huge party with a bunch of people who don't get along.... ummm I would take the three- but make it about you, Babes and SO- not about those who don't get along. Thier grudges with each other are not really about you- I disagree with whoever said they "don't care about you"- because as you said you really don't have a problem with anyone except the FIL. What you are trying to do is be kind and considerate, not a martyr. LOL!
I would be wayyy more stressed out trying to throw a big party (nevermind the guests who have grudges against each other) than a few small cozy ones. Maybe invite some of them to bring dishes as well, that would be a big help. Go For It, SW! just tell us how you did.
hugs and vibes not to let it get to you.
we've got to let love rule
~l. kravitz
*bliss*
you're right.
gotta do what fits you best.
For me, (I have 4 kids) the open house works.
Wow, you are going to throw three parties because you have adults in your life who don't get along? Sophie, it is you baby's first birthday - she don't care what you do, she just wants to be with you. IMO, the 1st bday is a party honoring the baby, FOR THE PARENTS.... because, you know... that first year is hard and we deserve to celebrate our survival. This party is not about those other people, their likes and dislikes, their issues - don’t let them take over.
I have a feeling this business of multiple parties is something adults do to each other as a power play... it has happened between MIL and myself for different reasons. What I'm saying is, we use the kids to control the show... it seems like the other adults in your life are doing just that and you are like a feather in their stinky wind. The truth is, the parents are always the ones who get the final say... that means YOU and your SO. I think you should have one party, invite everyone YOU want to be there, give people the heads up that their "enemy" will be there so THEY can decide if it is worth it to them to support your family in this celebration. Shit, who cares if they show up, really? They will still love you the same and will probably still give Sophie a gift because it is fun to give babies gifts.
I can never support someone for making decisions that are not best for them just because they want to please someone else. Love yourself first and other’s will, too. And if they don’t support you… well, then it will be easy to let them go in whatever way they need to be cut from your life. These people need to get over themselves and you should not cater to their issues - EVER.
I have to say, I agree with Etta… you are in a way, disrespecting yourself in this matter. You are avoiding instead of dealing because you are afraid that these people won’t like you for running your own life the way you see fit - yes this is what this is about… running your own life. Leave these people to their own issues and choose to not make decisions based on their issues… but just know, this kind of strength can really piss off people with control issues.
If they want to throw a party for your daughter that is another thing… I’d let them. But you throwing three parties??? Sister, you are going to burn out if you keep this up. It won’t just be about Soph’s b-days, it will be about every decision you make. Start RIGHT NOW with making choices that are in the best interest of your family - soph, you, and SO. Good folks will respect and still love you.
Good luck and I hope that everything turns out well, no matter what you decide.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb
Ridiculousness, you said it!
Of course that's the 39 year old in me talking. At your age, my biggest concern was if there was enough beer at my parties.
Do it at the park, plenty of space for them to mark their territory and let them all deal with their own shit. What are you afraid of happening? You have to take a stand now with this crap. I know yo've mentioned sexual abuse in the past from your own father too when you were young so I'm not sure why he's even invited, BUT I'm not touching healing from that becuase I do not know enough about it.
I don't think you owe any of them anything, BUT if you feel you want them to have some
relationship with Sophie then have ten parties if you can afford it.
As you get older, trust me, you'll tire of it, but by all means, go for it if you need to.
Ahh youth. I'm the tired, older, cranky big sister advice giver.
.
I'd love some pumpkin soup. I think it's great that the neighbors seem cool!
Ok, I read the other responses and one thing I notice is that there's an assumption that people don't want to put in the "work" of holidays and birthdays. I was just reading an advice column the other day and they were saying to "list all the parties you *should* attend, then pare it down to what will be meaningful to you". I came away from that not feeling very understood, because I genuinely enjoy the "work" of attending or hosting parties. I like to practice remembering names, I like looking at the families. I like getting compliments on my food or trying new recipies and perfecting them over time. Some of us relate to Bree on Desperate Housewives in this way--not because it's put on us or that we're martyrs but it doesn't feel like work, simply more to look forward to. Hell, yesterday we chowed down before this potluck we wanted to go to because we knew we couldn't eat anything there. So, just putting it out there that some don't feel parties are work.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
Interesting view.
Lines like "My FIL is dead to me" does not read (to me) "Darn another cheese ball to make".
I read it that all these people hate each other so why bother. I LOVE parties where the *vibe* is fun and like you, won't turn an invite down. I also love to entertain. Where I have probelms is attending parties with major hate and dysfunction as the undertone. I don't do those regardless of how yummy the cheese plate is going to be. I also won;t subject my child to it.
Which is exactly why i'm not going to be having a shindig where everyone's invited. I'm looking forward to the entertaining aspect and the parties are such that everyone gets along and has a good time. And I don't mind the work. It's a little frustrating that I cant have it all, but i'm not very often an all or nothing kind of gal. I'll compromise and enjoy everyone's company.
http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/princessburpalot
or rather if I were velma, suddenly placed into sophiesworld's life, I'd just kick all those mfers to the curb and enjoy that playdate when the neighbors come back from Denver, but I admire her interest in not burning bridges. Also, I assume that I only know, like 2% of what these people bring to sophiesworld, so I'm understanding her's as a position of strength instead of weakness because that's what I tend to project onto people.
I can understand your logic of "why bother" as a position of strength--this is probably the path I'd take and just enjoy the playdate with the neighbors.
I also understand having one simple party and forcing everyone to choose to be there or not as a grownup as a position of strength.
I like all those ideas. I think they're coming across to me on this thread as a sorry-ass clusterfuck hybrid idea, though: Dread making the cheese ball for mfers you don't want to bother about at a single party where they'll rage at eachother.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
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I know that they're grudges are more important then me or Sophie. Thats why i'm doing the three parties. There are a lot of things more important to my dad then me. For a long time I didn't talk to him in part because of it. I started talking to him just this year. Even though we have a casual, superficial relationship I don't mind it. It's better then not seeing him at all. My mom and I have also been astranged at a different part of my life and that hurt way bad. I don't want to feel abandoned by them again, so I don't put myself in that situation. I pretty much just aim to please them. After trying the other way to make them come to me and getting rejected I've decided they may not be good parents but they're mine and I'm not ready to let them go just yet. It sounds weak and stupid, but it's my only chance of having parents in my life.
http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/princessburpalot